Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Boston terror and my second grader.

We kept the tv off last night. Our 6 and 7 year olds did not need to know what was going on at the Boston Marathon and since their schools did such a nice job of dealing with the Newtown situation, we didn't feel like we needed to inform them of what was going on in the world.
I dropped dd off at school today and had to sign a permission slip, so I went into her classroom to grab a pen off of her teachers desk. There was a sub leading the class who started speaking about what happened in Boston yesterday to the class. I cut her off quickly and told her that we would not be speaking of this in this class. She was embarrassed and made some remarks about how it was all over the news and hard to miss. I told her we made sure that our 7 year old missed it for a reason.
I vented to the school librarian (a friend of mine) about what happened and she told me that I HAD to speak to the principal about it because that is NOT the way they do things at dd's school. She said that other schools she had worked at did not work as hard to make school a safe place. She said her previous school would have had the news on for the kids to watch. ACK!
What is the culture like at your children's schools? Do they talk about tragic news without prompting from the students? Do they work to not talk about it in groups?
I thought it was so interesting that the librarian was surprised by the culture of keeping school a safe place for children to be emotionally. She said it came as a big shock when she started there.

Wow - how long has this sub been in the classroom?

At my school (K-12) it is certainly not brought up by the teachers, and only discussed if a student brings it up.
One of my juniors brought it up and we discussed different aspects of it in a fair amount of depth, BUT this was in a class of 17 and 18 year olds who all had heard of it and were talking about it.

Every school is different, but most that I know of have a general - don't bring it up unless the kids bring it up and then only talk about it in ways that will help kids feel calm and safe.

I work in Boston (hence my moniker), just a few blocks from the explosions. My children noticed that I went home early yesterday, but we did not explain why. Today they know -- other kids told them what happened. Children are going to find out about such events, and I would not expend too much effort trying to shield them (except for visuals).

I'm in Australia, and the schools here absolutely do not talk about any bad news stories! I am shocked that yours does, especially at such a young age.

I talked with my third-grader about it because experience has shown that she may be told about these things at school. I was blindsided last year by a class unit on 9/11. I have learned. The day of Sandy Hook, my PRESCHOOLER had an all-school holiday concert (his school is preK-8) and they talked about it to the entire crowd at the concert. I had anticipated this and talked to DD8 ahead of time. I don't agree that schools should take this role at this age, but it's reality. I do NOT let my kids (9 and 5) watch TV news coverage of these events at this point, though.

I frequently find myself wishing the school would stick to teaching the 3Rs and leave the parenting decisions to me.

As far as I know neither of my kids schools have talked to them about it. We did talk about it together as a family, as we have other big and tragic news events. We've talked about what happened, why it might have happened, and then do our best to talk about the positives of the situation - so many people helped! Look at all the folks rushing in to help people, and all the paramedics and abulances and some of the best hospitals in the whole world are right there, etc, etc. I know DS9 still worries and is anxious about stuff like that, but I feel it's better for us to talk with him up front before he hears about things at school (especially from other kids!)

I'm with Bostonian.

Just don't let them see dead bodies and blood soaked streets.

We, too, have handled this kind of thing as Bostonian's family has. Avoid the gruesome imagery, but-- discuss. I told my DD13 before she saw the footage (which was admittedly quite blood-soaked, IMO).

We've never tried to shield DD-- DD (2y) was perfectly 'aware' of 9/11 and somehow managed to process that completely adequately and without emotional harm. At that point, there seemed no point in shielding her from anything else. Keeping information from a HG+ kid who is tuned into the world is a losing battle, IMO.

Bostonian, I am glad that you and your family are well.

We don't shield. I would rather have the kids hear stuff from me so we may discuss it. And with a 5 year age difference and a younger child who is extremely inquisitive, it is really just impossible anyway. Unfortunately, we have had to discuss some unfortunate local deaths impacting the older child's social circle just prior to the situation in Boston. Too many "why's" lately that I just cannot adequately answer.

Of course, I don't think a sub should be talking about the matter, either, unless you live particularly close to where the event took place. I would have been pretty taken aback by that. But, I prefer to prepare my kids by having age appropriate discussions on my own terms.

I find that it's not so much that the kids learn about it FROM school (teachers, etc) but rather AT school from other kids. That is why I now make a point to talk to my kids (11, 9 and 7) about current events, so that I can control the message somewhat. Plus, more than once I've been in the car and flipped on the traffic report, only to be a minute early or late for the traffic and hear about the current event of the day instead. Having recognized that I can't shield them completely, I've decided to address is directly myself. I do try to shield them from horrible photos and alway talk about the Fred Rogers message -- always look for the helpers, there are always helpers there.

Thanks, HowlerKarma.

It was not appropriate for the sub to talk about it.

I was out of the country with my husband during 9/11. My kids who were almost 7 & 2 were home home with my in-laws. Thankfully both my in-laws and my school kept mum about it. (Only watching the TV after the kids were out of the house.) My 7 year old did NOT need to hear about this with us out of the country. We were fine & perfect safe just in Europe. Not easy for a 7 year old to grasp. They are now 18 & 14, have been to see ground zero and know all about it. But I am VERY VERY grateful that my kids school DID NOT talk about this kind of issue.

IMO Middle School & Older it might be OK, but not non-stop in all the classrooms.

Well, up until yesterday afternoon, I would have told you that our small private school keeps "current events" of that ilk up to the parent to speak about to their children. Sandy Hook being an example. Our son (6-Kindergarten) has never been allowed to watch anything about that tragedy.

However...yesterday my son told me out-of-the-blue, "Mom! Did you know there was a bombing in Boston?" um. yeah. who told you?

"Mr._____(the principal)".

I was livid, to say the least. There is currently only a Kindergarten and first grade at this school, so this wasn't mentioned in a school announcement over the loudspeaker. No...DS heard it from him personally when he asked about the lowered flag.

We don't let our son watch the evening news-on any day. He's much too sensitive and the news is filled with murders, rapes, fires, car accidents, etc. on a typical day, much less a national tragedy like Sandy Hook or the Boston Marathon Bombing.

I told my DS not to worry about it; that it was nothing that would affect him and he's safe. I emphasized that he was safe, btw. He was visibly relieved.

Children should be on a "need to know" basis regarding graphic news, imo. What does it serve to let a young grade school student be exposed to horrors like this?

My husband has been trying to reach the principal to speak about this all day. He's yet to return his call.

BTW. I did talk about this with my DS14 when he got home from school on Monday. Nothing was mentioned at school that day. (In CA so school was still going on.) His sister is in college in Boston so it's important news for him to know & he is 14 so we watched some of the news coverage together.

My point above is you don't know what is going on in a child's family and it's certainly not the place of a sub to know. In addition assuming that first or second grades watch the news so must already know is unprofessional.

Ametrine, while the details of how it was handled may not have been perfect, I think that in general, your principal probably did the right thing. The flag was lowered, which is correct (flags all over the country are lowered). Your DS noticed (not standard kid behavior) and asked why, and the principal told him privately rather than lying or trying to avoid the question. Maybe he could have been more reassuring on the "you're safe" message, but your DS may just have needed to hear that from you, too, no matter how emphatic the principal was about it. There may be some momentary trauma, but there is also the message that at school, they will tell you the truth, even when it's difficult to hear.

In contrast, the sub who decided to bring it up with the second graders it totally out of line.

I agree the flag being lowered is appropriate.

I would have preferred the principal be more evasive on his answer to my son's question, however. A simple, "In memory of some people who are hurting." or even, "Ask your parents when you get home." would have been better, imo.

Honestly, my real concern is a possible accumulation of comments to DS about any tragedies...past or in the future. I don't want my son to ask the principal every time he sees the flag lowered, "What happened now?" For example, I don't want the principal to speak to him about the fertilizer plant explosion in Texas.

That's our responsibility to explain or not as how we see fit. At least at the age he is now.

Hmm. I agree that the principal did the right thing.

IMO, trying to hide everything bad from kids doesn't help them.

Agree with Val and Elizabeth. Adults being evasive is hardly ever good IMHO, and I would be upset if my child's teacher had evaded such a question. Moreover, mine would probably have reacted by asking everyone else he met that day, and would have ended up with more, but perhaps less accurate, information than he'd have got if his original question had been answered.

Middle school and older seems reasonable for schools to discuss current events of that nature. I was in high school when Columbine happened, and I can still remember the words spoken in fear by a few of my teachers who told us that it might happen to us and ventured guesses as to who might be capable of that in our community. If I had been a bit younger (definitely 9 or under), I don't think I would have understood what was real and what was spoken out of fear. 9/11 was very uptsetting to my young cousins, and their elementary school showed fairly graphic news coverage of it.

Dicussing it at an age-appropriate level is one thing, but showing pictures/news coverage that may be distressing to kids is another issue. I've seen my fair sure of ugliness in war, and I wouldn't wish anyone to see what it looks like, even through the news.

I like the way our school handles these things.

When something happens during the day (Sandy Hook & Boston), there is no mention of it, an email goes out to the parents explaining how the teachers will answer questions the following day. The approach is generally to answer questions briefly and honestly, and to assure the kids that they are safe.

Sadly, our school staff have had to deal with a number of events in the last few years. Events that happen in the evening or that must be told to the students about members of the school community, teachers meet at the school at 7 am with a crisis team to discuss their approach to talking to the students. It's always been done matter of factly, honestly, and briefly, with a focus on not letting misinformation spread. In one recent event, the kindergarten students were not told, and the parents were asked to handle it as they saw fit. This was clearly communicated to all parents, and the communication invited parents to discuss sensitivities with teachers before the start of school.

I spoke about it with my DS6.
I don't believe in censorship too much, I will discuss just about anything with him and perhaps have? Though I think that each child is different and unique and information must be presented in a way that each individual child can understand and process, and without causing any type of harm to the child- emotional, social, or anxiety, bad dreams etc...

I am also a strong believer that a child only needs to know or be told, what they want to know- they will ask Qs and when they are told enough, they stop. I certainly don't go into deeper details (unless he asked).

He tends to repeat back to me in his own words what I have stated. I encourage this.

re: Boston? he slipped in when news was on and asked about it, and I told him.

*DS6 has always had a very profound interest and propensity for asking about why people destroy the planet and nature etc, as well as discussing the heavens.

more to topic- NO I would not want a school teacher etc to be discussing with my child any type of tragic events- because in that situation I cannot control WHAT is being said- etc, and the teacher cannot know what/how each individual child thinks/reacts to such said news. I would want forewarning, and to be allowed to be present-----

Perhaps if the teacher is hearing a lot of talk already in the classroom- and feels it is not accurate etc? a possible solution- teacher should send a note home to parents to let them know students are talking about it, and she would like to briefly touch upon the topic etc, and the parents can opt their kid in or not- parents invited to attend etc, kids not allowed go to library? That sorta thing might be acceptable. *if tragic event happens in actual city we live in, I'd think the school would/should address it in the form of a full on assembly with parents invited to attend. I think most schools do that?

sounds like re-reading posts that a lot of schools do handle this type of thing very well!!

I wanted to add that DS6 is very visual, pictures are sometimes helpful when discussing certain events, but the Boston pix that clearly depicted death, and severe leg trauma, DS6 is aware people lost their limbs, but those visuals were too strong, and some I felt in my opinion, were clearly disrespectful.

What a wonderful response. Wow, are the teachers in your school fortunate to have such a thoughtful and organized administrative team!

We have a great administrative team that has unfortunately had to put their plans into place a number of times. Fundamentally, when there's a news van in front of the school (which has now happened three times in the last four years) you have to answer the kids' questions. Having a plan in place and communicating to the parents what the plan is simply makes sense.

I'm revisiting this thread because of the recent tornado devastation in Moore, OK. I've found an article that addresses how to approach these issues with a child who understands at a higher level.

Our school handles situations such as these just like geofizz described. I am very happy with that approach because I can then determine the extent of the information I want to share with my daughter (8). I did tell my daughter about Sandy Hook because her classroom has no cupboards in it and I wanted to inform her so that we could come up with a "plan" in case anything like that happened at her school. I didn't go into the gory details with her, just gave her the most basic gist of what happened and I let her know that in that situation, she should just fend for herself (in other words, if the teacher says to stay in your seat and be quiet, she should follow her own gut instinct and hide if she feels that is a safer option). She had a great idea of hiding herself in the coat rack behind the coats and backpacks, so I feel the conversation had a positive outcome because it empowered her with a plan in the event that something like that should happen.

Regarding Boston, I chose not to tell her about the terrorists bombings because I don't want her to feel like the entire world is unsafe. That being said, if she ever were to ask me about it, I would not lie but I would tell her the bare minimum to answer her questions.

I don't watch a lot of news in front of her generally because the news is quite depressing and shocking on a daily basis, and I especially don't watch news when things like this happen.

Regarding the tornado, I told her about it again, because we do not have a family plan and together, she and my husband and I decided what would be best to do in the event of a tornado warning, so once again, I feel like this empowered her to take her safety into her own hands.

My friends think I did a horrible disservice to her by telling her about Sandy Hook but honestly, her level of compassion and understanding is much too high and I would rather she heard it from me then be frightened by her other classmates who might know about it.

Good article, Ametrine, thanks for posting!

You're welcome. I know it's common sense, but still thought it would help.

DS just told me a fellow student's dad died. (Unrelated to the tornado.) He said,

"Mom, people are like flowers."
"How so?" said I.
"Because they are born, become apples, bananas and oranges, then die like adults."
"What makes you say that?" said I.
"Because _____(child's name) dad died.

I was unprepared for this conversation. I was making dinner and he was making a robot. I questioned him on whether he was confused and it was his schoolmate's grandfather who died, but he was positive it was her dad. He told me she wants to "talk-talk-talk" about it.
I've told him whenever she brings it up to tell her he's sorry and to give her a hug.

I've recently interacted with _____'s mom and had no idea her husband just died.

The child's father may or may not have actually died. The reason I say this is because one of my DD's classmates came up to me at school and told me that she was really upset that her grandfather had recently passed away. I am fairly good friends with this family (mother) so I expressed my condolences to the child and asked her how she was doing. She told me that she was in "deep mourning" over his passing, so I told her that I understood and if she wanted to talk about it she could. Later that day I called her mother to express my condolences and to let her know if she needed someone to watch her younger children during the visitation or funeral that I could help her out. The mom was absolutely stunned when I called, that her daughter was so upset and expressed that she was in "deep mourning" over the death as she had never even met her grandfather (the mom and dad were estranged). Can you say awkward?

At any rate, the information your son is passing onto you may be accurate as to how he heard it, but if you just spoke to the child's mother and nothing appeared to be wrong, then I would have to say that you might want to question the accuracy of the information passed on by the child.

That being said, I think you gave your son good advice on how to handle the child when she wants to "talk talk talk" about it.

I really wanted my son to have the carefree kind of childhood that I had, but at the same time I felt it was more important for my son to learn about things had happened in the past that he was likely to hear about and things that were currently happening. I had to tell him about the relative who died in the Oklahoma bombing because it often comes up in family conversations. He saw some of the 9-11 coverage when he was preschool age. I told him that when he was a baby I thought a monster tornado was headed straight for us and all I could do was get in a downstairs bathroom and cover him with my body knowing that I needed to be underground to survive if it hit us. I wanted him to be weather aware, for his own safety. We recently drove home on a highway where a monster tornado touched down less than 15 minutes later. We saw the huge horrible thing forming.

My 15-year-old son does not seem like he was harmed in any way by learning about awful tragedies. He deals with this kind of thing much better than I do. I sometimes wonder if my lack of bad experiences in childhood left me less able to deal with things. I am the one feeling like life has just become so weird and out of control and that everything is the opposite of the way it should be and that the more statistically unlikely something is, the more likely it is that it will happen. We just keep getting slammed with statistically unlikely weird stuff.

9-11, Nidal Hasan's rampage, the Boston bombings, the Woowich attack, and many other terrorist incidents are part of a jihad. My oldest two already know what religion is implicated. The schools, the media, and many politicians are too politically correct to mention certain obvious patterns, so parents need to at some point.

I completely agree with you. The issue I have is that she was only 8 at the time of the Boston bombings. If she asked, I would not lie or candy coat it but at the age of 8 I personally choose not to burden her with the weight of the world...there is plenty of time for that.