Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "I don't want to be smart. I want to be normal."

You forgot underachieving.

That's a "driven, bitter, disappointed, underachieving grownup".

I just sent links to my DW so she can order both books. Awesome suggestion.


I'd say it's all a part of the American mythos of being able to rise to your level of abilities and effort. Like all such things, it has never been entirely true for all people in all times and places, and it's less true now than any time since the outbreak of WWII. Still, there has always been enough desire to believe, and there have always been enough contemporary stories about the unique intersection of ability and effort with opportunity, that the myth has persisted.

I remember figuring out that and then realizing, "I have no achievable goals in life."

I just finished reading these two books on the subject of giftedness and depression:
The Disappearing Girl: Learning the Language of Teenage Depression by Lisa Machoian and If I'm so Smart, why arent the answes easy by Robert Schultz and James Delisle

Both have been very helpful in helping me to understand my HG dd who recently had a hospitalization for Major Depression. This was the worst journey we have ever taken with this child. We had no idea...her grades had been straight A, she was involved in all kinds of activities, she would do whatever we asked without disagreement... we never saw it coming. Looking back, we can now see the subtle, but explainable by reason of adolescence, clues. We have gone the route of medication and intensive counseling.

I do not mean to scare you, but just to caution you that in our experience, Gifted girls are clever at hiding the depth of how they feel and find ways to reason it away that seem plausible. If you are feeling like you need to seek insight into depressive behavior here, then I would suggest going back to your professional.

Yes.

I was casually-- and very prematurely-- discussing my openness to homeschooling DS, should he ever need it, with my father last week. He objected on the grounds of socialization, and I referenced my frequent anxiety and being excluded in elementary school after being skipped as a coumterexample of the dangers of inappropriate socialization. He said, "That's news to me." Even he couldn't see it, and he was my primary before and after school caregiver!

We have the "I don't want to be smart, why can't I just be normal" conversation fairly often in our house. I still don't have any good answers to it. Unfortunately, it degrades quickly into the "school is boring, it's melting my brain, I hate school" conversation and my own brain melts at that point. I begin to feel like drinking heavily and start wandering around the house muttering to myself about failing as a parent.

I think we've all had that conversation. The tactic we use is that everyone has strengths and for DS10 it is his wicked smarts. Part of it for us is an ongoing battle with perfectionism. He thinks that ND kids don't sweat over everything. His latest is avoidance, because you can't blow perfect, if you don't ever try it. Nautigal, I'll have that drink with you anytime!

I've dealt with this with two of my three kids. For my daughter, it was about inner thoughts and angst and wanting to turn off the deep thoughts. Getting her into a highly demanding physical sport was actually the one thing that helped. She climbed competitively for years, and the required mental focus turned her thoughts off while she was climbing a route and the physical exhaustion helped her sleep and turn off the worry after exercise. It also had the added benefit of endorphins and staving off depression.

For my son, it was about not wanted to stand out or be different from his friends. He underachieved all the way through midschool and high school and had a horrible time adapting to college. And his perfectionism got in the way. If he was "normal" no one would expect great things of him. He was surprised to find out that I really didn't care if he ended up solving some great mystery of life - I just wanted him to be productive, responsible, a good person and happy. Having the load of parental expectations removed has really helped.

Good luck - this is such a worry for us as parents, isn't it?

I agree with the physical activitiy...my dd has had surgery on her respiratory system. So that quelled activity for quite a while...I do think that contributed...but it was outside of her control...which is a whole new set of issues.

Some days I agree....drink heavily and admit I am the worst parent on the planet...until I realize that offers no solution or direction for my kids... then I "suck it up, Buttercup!"

The quote in the original title makes me think of an external locus of control. Smart and Normal aren't things to be they are labels applied by others and accepting those labels as truths is disempowering. I think I ran into the reference to Carolyn Dweck's book "MindSet" here which puts that notion into a nice context. Developing a stronger internal locus of control is significant for coping with depression and anxiety.