Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I was chastised by the principal today

I wrote an email to the math specialist who had signed DS5 up for DreamBox to thank her and to see if she had any other recommendations. DS5 loves the program but spends a lot of time on it and is doing the 4th and 5th grade curriculum. I would like to have some other options for him because I am not completely thrilled with this obsession, that might be a strong word, but I also don't want to shut him down. He is so proud of himself as he is progressing. I also threw in a little comment about how I didn't know what we were going to do with him in the coming years based on his place in the program.

I haven't heard back from the math specialist but she apparently spoke to the principal about my email and DS5's time on DreamBox. I was leaving the school today when the principal came up to me and said that I need to "unplug my son". I need to send him outside and play. I need to remember who the parent is and just say no to DS playing it too much. I told him that DS loves it and he does go outside and play, and reads, and builds, etc. I also explained that DS sees it being taken away as a punishment. I offered to let him come over and see if he could deal with it better than I was.

This all happened in about three minutes or less as I was about to be late getting my daughter. After I left i started getting a little upset. He was basically saying that he thought I wasn't parenting DS5 very well. I have concerns about the amount of time he spends on the program but it's the only electronic thing he does. He doesn't watch TV, movies, or play video games. If fact until very recently he only got a max of about ten minutes on the computer a day. I was hoping that by letting this go it might take care of itself but it is not looking that way. That's another discussion.

I'm seriously considering emailing him to continue this and/or ask for an in face meeting. Then I think that I'll basically be defending myself and that really shouldn't be something that I feel the need to do. However I do feel like I need to. I don't want them viewing me as a bad parent, making assumptions about my family, and possibly using this presumptuously in further conversations.

Any opinions or BTDT? Ugh!!!!!

I wonder if our principals know each other. I was chastised last week by mine. He pulled me aside and basically told me my emails need to be "nicer and more thankful"... he told also told me I push too much. It was a bit patronizing when I all I want is for one of only about three accommodations that DS REALLY needs to be provided to him consistently.

Also, just something to remember - be careful because all of your emails are forwarded to the principal and beyond. Just keep that in mind, it will be read by the principal and it will e read by strangers in the district even, who do not know you your child or the background. Even though the advocate I talked to said my emails were well-written and fine in both tone and content I have made a conscious effort to be very careful about what I say and how I say it.

It sounds like he said what's better for him and not what's best for the child. People think if they couch it in a cliche' then it's the end of the discussion. It's probably as effective as it is infuriating. No advice, just an opinion.

I had to reply, because my 4 yo is nurturing her Dreambox obsession as we speak. how much time is ok? I mean, he is making incredible progress, and if it's balanced with the rest of his life, you know what is right for own child. The average kid in the US watches 4 hours of tv per day, and I doubt the principal is lecturing those parents.

I tend to avoid confrontation, so if it were me, I'd probably let the insult go, and just ask the math specialist if she has any other resources to recommend so that he learns in other ways too.

My daughter does well if I explain official recommendations. For example, the AAP recommends 2 hours or less of screen time, so you can play for 2 hours.

That was uncalled for and really unprofessional. Take a deep breath. I don't see any positive outcome from pursuing this with your principal. I would let it drop. Especially as you know you have lots of misunderstandings to deal with at school ahead.

You are a great mom but you don't have to be a perfect, above reproach parent. The principal's opinion of you will most likely become worse if you don't let some things like this go. You don't answer to him about your parenting. He was out of line to advise you like this. But responding to his unprofessionalism here has the potential to make you look obsessive and unbalanced. I'd walk away from this fight.

Sorry you had such a bad experience today.

I agree with marytheres!
One of my dear friends is a teacher in another state, after venting to her all my frustrations/miscommunications etc with DS teacher, she told me to put everything in emails. only.
also,
to make it only about DS. To be courteous but be the advocate...
oh- and to send cc: to Principal and any other "higher-ups", so that the Teacher KNOWs I am sending to her superiors.

So I did this. It proved to be quite effective and get everyone's attention. It also shows I am trying to be a team player, that I want best for DS, but also that I will not take any *crap*!!!

re: your situation? I would send a "follow-up" email to the Principal, just to clarify what was said... and have it in writing. Make sure to restate it is your DS only computer time- noting it is educational(you'd think they'd be glad right?) and that you are open to constructive ummmm not criticism I think, but "ideas" ? idk!

one thing? I agree with setting a limit to the time he spends on DreamBox- but I'd say 1hr a day? *most kids watch tv or play video games for at least that much time each day- your son is doing something Educational. I do not consider it harmful except when it becomes the ONLY thing he wants to do... (i mean that with my own DS i would- can't speak for you or yours )

I still NEED to get my DS plugged into DreamBox

I'd wish I could summon up something like this in a conversational timeframe:
My seven year old is an outlier, he learns crazy stuff at all sorts of rates. Neither conventional wisdon nor studies based on the middle of the curve are adequate ways for me to judge his behavior. I don't question how he goes about it, whether with books or "screen time" (welcome to 2013, where that is becoming a fuzzy, fuzzy line.) He downloaded around a dozen math apps this past weekend alone. Last night he was watching a video and doing practice questions on Pythagoras Theorem and understanding it. I would be a fool to interfere with this.

But probably the best I'd get out would be:
Thank you for sharing your opinion with me.

But in the back of my mind would be a sentence involving the word "need" and a couple of pieces of anatomy.

I agree with Zen Scanner: he may not be likely to understand, full stop. How open-minded is this person in general? Is this the first time he's ever spoken in this way? Do you get an impression that your son has done well because you push him, or do you have an impression that he's knowledgeable about giftedness or levels of giftedness?

Your best answer will depend on what your impression of him is. If he's unlikely to understand giftedness, my advice is: don't defend yourself. If you want to email him, put him on the defensive by asking why he's judging your son's interests and your decisions about how to raise him. Otherwise, you could send an "I'm confused about what you said" message that also tells him that you felt like he was judging your son's interests and your decisions.

I've been wrestling with this issue myself--if DD9 is *reading* something, but on a computer/Kindle/iPad, and it's educational, should that really count as screen time (i.e., in the sense of something that should be limited)? Actually for written stuff she prefers books or magazines and I had a hard time getting her to use the Kindle until she realized we can get books on it *right away* sometimes instead of having to schedule a trip to the bookstore, so she's slowly changing her mind. To say nothing of, she's wise to the fact that DH and I use computers all the time, all day, for work--so to be fair, isn't it a little weird to say she should only look at a screen for a much smaller amount of time a day, regardless of content?

Sorry--as to the OP, I too would be offended, but I would let it go for now just because I think it would be more advantageous to you and your DS to simply work some kind of comment into a later conversation along the lines you indicated and how much your DS has learned, in a positive way. But I have been burned by trying to call people on stuff where I thought they were clearly way off base and having them get all passive-aggressive on me, and getting nowhere after that. But clearly it works for some people, and you are a better judge of that...just keep in mind that as hard as it is, calling people on stuff may not be what's best for getting your kid what they need and you want. That may make it easier to bite your tongue for the time being Good luck!

Zen!
your 7yo sounds Wonderful!!!
Agreed- don't change what Aint broken lol

If a kid is HAPPY ? I say let them be, the fact some of our kids actually ENJOY learning new things seems to be like some crime almost against us as parents and I'm tired of all that...

*let them be kids how they choose to be kids- follow their lead on their "play" choices, give them creative freedom to explore what They want... Why must we force them into a box? make them conform to what society says is "normal"? What is normal?

If your DS7 enjoys doing Math apps? who cares? let him! (i think you are a terrific parent and i don't even know you!)
That may not be the neighbor kids choice, but whose to say your DS isn't that child who will "change the world" and make a difference etc etc, not to say the kid who just plays baseball all day or video games won't!

But if we don't let kids do what they want,as far as to create, explore, learn, etc--- we are doing a disservice and limiting them and so on.

i'm done.

OOoooo-- yeah, classic no-win situation. It's not really all that important that you win this particular point, right?

If it seems that the principal has "the wrong idea" about your house AUP/screen time rules, by all means pleasantly mention that to him/her.

But, you know, casually... as in, in the context of some other matter.

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your thoughts with me the other day. I later considered why I was puzzled by your observations, and realized that you must have misunderstood; we already do __________. Just didn't want you to think that {child} spends all of his/her time in front of a screen-- nothing could be further from the truth! Again, I really appreciate your willingness to share your insights with us.

That sounds like parenting advice, not curricular advice. And, unless your principal is a gifted specialist, he's out of his depth on the latter, too. I wouldn't sweat it. Having an opinion doesn't necessarily mean it's an informed opinion.

Maybe he should gently be reminded of that if ever he chooses to cross the line into Conjectureland again.

I agree, casually slip it in. He deserves a wringing out, but you don't want the backlash

Re: your original concern, it seems to me the obsession is going to be self-limiting. How long till he finishes Dreambox -- a few months? It's not like this is a long-term lifestyle choice that has sucked up his entire childhood.

As for the principal, I wonder if he is feeling territorial, along the lines of "don't try to teach your kid, that's our job, you'll do it all wrong." (A position I find laughable given the general success of homeschooling, but a lot of professional educators hold it.) But he didn't want to come out and say it, so he fell back on the "too much screen time" trope. So, another reason not get into this with him. If I'm right, any attempt to address what he said (e.g. "this is a parenting issue, not an educational one") won't accomplish anything, because what he said is not what he meant.

Dbat: reading on an electronic device shouldn't count as "screen time." And that doesn't just mean e-readers, it means reading a newspaper on the web, or browsing Wikipedia, or anything else where you're basically just reading. Your brain is processing written text, which is very different from interacting with the three-dimensional world, but which our culture has agreed is extremely important and worth the time investment.

In contrast, the negative effects of "screen-time" are about the effects of watching video rather than watching (and interacting with) events in the real 3D world; and "playing" in a 2D screen-based environment (e.g. video games) rather than spending valuable childhood play-time manipulating real 3D objects and moving your body around.

Hmm, interesting perspective, and definitely plausible.

My take is the principal made two errors... jumping to the conclusion that the kid is getting "too much" screen time, as mentioned already, but also reacting to Dreambox as a threat, because he knows that the further your DS progresses in math on his own, the more problems it'll cause him to try to meet DS's level. So, he chose to "advise" you on what's easiest for him... unplug DS so he stops learning.

Even if you clear up the rushed conclusion, you still have no interest in helping the principal out of his problem, and he's still going to be upset about it, so I don't see how revisiting the issue is likely to be productive.

Just my take.

A caveat to this, which I don't believe is applicable to e-readers: there is convincing research showing that the strong blue-spectrum light emitted by screens disrupts sleep cycles. Even if they're reading text, I would keep kids (and I try to keep myself) away from computer screens in the hour or two before bed. Eye strain can also be an issue.

Speaking personally, I don't find that reading online has the same immersive and relaxing effect as reading a book. It's too jumpy and manic, with hyperlinks and so on. Ereaders count as books the way I use them, though (which is...to read books only).

Yes-- there IS a difference, evidently, between e-ink and the same text on a computer screen. They're not exactly equivalent in the human brain, for reasons that aren't terribly clear to me.

I think that MegMeg's and Dude's explanations here are quite insightful.

I totally agree. I would just leave it alone, but in future conversations with the principal, mention casually how much fun my son had while hiking or climbing or whatever. In fact, I would probably mention some outdoorsy type of activities in any conversation with the principal in a very upbeat manner. If he has a clue, he will probably back off. But then, I am passive-aggressive when it comes to people like this principal.

This was actually my first thought, after getting a lille POed of course. I figure that he was not at all happy when he saw where DS was and addressing screen time/my parenting was a good way of skirting the actual issue. DS learning is a result of MY bad parenting rather than an actual concern that he was going to have to deal with.

I do think that I am not going to follow it up at the moment but will be very aware of this tactic in the future.

Oh, I don't consider that "passive-aggressive" so much as....

using the other party's clearly preferred communication style.



I'm simply being an effective communicator, see. Trying to be helpful. In a way that makes sense to the other person and feels "comfortable." Yup. That's me. Being all understanding.

Yes, the original issue wouldn't worry me too much. DD was obsessed with Dreambox when we first got it, too, and played so much it was kind of horrifying to see the hours listed on the parent dashboard. But it tapered off and now it's a good educational thing for her to do during quiet time maybe once or twice a week. It was just so new and shiny. And it was the first step into what is now a huge math obsession with a ton of progress in a year, so I feel fine about the screen time!

Eibbed, I would let this drop. You'll need to save your advocacy for other more important battles.

I may be totally off here, but I think there may be a different slant to what happened and the intent behind the principal's remark. I think you mentioned in your email a concern with amount of screen time in relation to Dreambox. I think that the school staff may view that as a parent's issue, not their issue. They are curriculum experts (or supposed to be), so I wouldn't expect an off reaction to you asking for additional tools and resources, but if the request comes with an angle of you needing something different partly because your ds is spending too much time on the computer, I can see that a teacher is going to see the total time on the computer as the parent's issue, not their issue, particularly when you're talking about enrichment.

I also think that your mention of not knowing what you'll do with him in a few years based on how rapidly he's working through Dreambox might be interpreted as an overzealous parent. Please know I'm not saying you *are* an overzealous parent, just saying it might be interpreted that way. My kids used Dreambox and it was offered for enrichment at our elementary school to, and unless it's changed much in recent years it is easy for a capable child to whip through grade levels and skill sets. Please know I'm not in any way saying your ds isn't ahead and he isn't going to need challenge in school - obviously he does. I just feel, from what I've seen of it, that it's not necessarily a great way to demonstrate that need to school and it takes a bit of supervision at home if you really do want to rely on it for mastering curriculum.

Lastly, I wouldn't take the comment about getting your ds outdoors personally, especially since you're not sure of the context behind it. Maybe it was just a beautiful spring day outside and the principal was making small talk with a parent and that's really all it was.

Knowing when and what to say when advocating, as well as when and when not to respond is such a tough line to walk (or at least it was for me). There are so many times when you just have no idea what the other person is really thinking or what conversations go on behind the scenes between school staff.

But in any case, I'd just drop it this time. I think if you follow-up, you're just setting yourself up for more confusing conversations that might worry you. And I suspect that in the principal's day, it was one small conversation. Perhaps he's not seeing you in the way that you deserve to be seen, but I'm guessing you'll have lots more opportunities to interact as you advocate, so you'll have another chance

Best wishes,

polarbear

Ha ! Totally love this

polarbear - I wasn't asking them to help me limit my son's screen time. I was actually asking for a recommendation for another math program that I could just substitute for DreamBox occasionally. His comment was that I didn't need another program I needed to make him go play. There has yet to be an actual response to my email and I don't really expect one at this point.

The comment about what we were going to do with him in the coming years was an attempt to get them to look at what he had been doing. This program was offered to appease me but I also see it as something that they could look at a little more objectively than they do what I tell them. I think that DreamBox has many holes in what it calls it's curriculum. I don't see it as a full substitute for math instruction but that his progress might get them to take me and DS a little more seriously.

He definitely meant that DS should stop playing DreamBox and play outside. I'm trying to remember the weather we had at the beginning of the week, specifically Monday, since that is the day he referenced, but I can't. We've had a decent day or two lately and every one of those he has spent at least an hour outside prior to even thinking about playing DreamBox. That comment might have been a little more innocent than I took it but I am not totally convinced especially after the last P/T conference involving him.

It's over now. I'm not bringing it up again on my own but I will respond, politely, to any such comments in the future. What an active minefield getting your child an appropriate education is turning out to be!

Thanks for your comments I like getting a chance to see other perspectives.