Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "Lazy" thinking?

DS5 is incredibly "lazy". He won't write more than absolutely necessary, he actually shortened his name for this purpose, he won't answer more questions than specifically asked, and does not like to write down math problems to keep track of what he is doing and be able to check his work. He will often say that he can't do something if it is not immediately obvious to him.

This has me very worried. His school is using it as proof that he doesn't need anything more. I'm at a loss as how to deal with it and often find it becoming an issue between us because I get so frustrated with him.

I think that you are right to be concerned. Unfortunately I don't have much advice yet. I try to stop DS when he gets that attitude and work through the problems together but that still ends up being almost like giving him the answer.

I wish you the best of luck and will follow this post carefully.

I think part of it could simply be her age - all three of my kids (with varied levels of ability) went through similar things, and I've seen it happen with so many of my friends children in early elementary (especially with the emphasis on "show your work" that seems to be everywhere in our local early elementary schools). For my ds and my older dd, there was a significant spike in development of the "non-lazy" skills when they hit 6th grade - although work demands were going up in school at that point in time, I really think a lot of it had to do with a developmental phase they went through too.

I also remember when I had some worries about things like this when my oldest (ds) was in K-1, and his teacher (who had over 20 years experience with elementary school teaching) said that it had been her experience that these types of skills don't really start to emerge until around 3rd grade (for typical age non-grade skipped kids).

Best wishes,

polarbear

I'm still waiting for my 13yo to outgrow this particular phase, however. :[ Just noting that.

So, if you want to stick with the lazy label. I'd translate it to mental efficiency obsessed. It's an internal drive behind innovation and successful cognitive strategies and played out fully you end up with the deep learning and fast thinking we admire in our GT kids.

Since efficiency revolves around cost/benefit analysis, then one of the problems is that the independent thinker driven by internal wiring to seek efficient mental solutions is assessing the cost higher and the benefit lower than the adults in the situation are. So the external observer sees laziness and the internal observer sees waste.

One metacognitive strategy to slowdown and be careful is to consciously assign a probability to whether an answer is correct. Then if the probability isn't satisfying to mentally assess the time necessary to raise the probability to a successful level. Some people have an instinct for probabilities and the brain gets some interesting work at that; not certain if all kids would get this or how to instruct them if they don't.

A quick test when you hear an impulsive answer is to ask them what the percentage chance is that they are wrong. Likewise, if they say they don't know an answer, ask how long they think it would take to figure out.

I am not sure if this is of any use. I see it as how they value themselves. If you value yourself as smart then the only reason you do not do well is that you are not smart. If the praise you get and the validation you get from others is based upon being smart then that is how you see yourself. It is better to praise only effort, then they value hard work. For my DS10 math is easy and writing takes effort. I try to praise the effort more. It's difficult because in math he does very well. I push more difficult math that takes effort, and I try to find things that take him more effort to do well. I am hopeful that he learns it is only through effort that we do well, and that satisfaction with oneself is more when you overcome true obstacles.

The real problems are when an educational organization actively thwarts your efforts to do as Edwin (rightly, IMO) recommends. It's been our experience that THEY are the ones risk-averse, not us.

They've unfortunately also taught our DD13 to be risk averse, as well. Fixed mindset run amok. {sigh}

Thanks all so much for you ideas. I've only got a minute so I can't respond properly for now, though I will take a second to mention that, Edwin, I couldn't agree more - but we do absolutely only praise effort. One problem is, as HowlerKarma suggests, that she gets plenty of praise for being smart elsewhere. Though I do sometimes wonder if dh and I have gone over board praising effort and ignoring the smart bit and so she doesn't 'feel' smart when people tell her she is. Or something. Plan to have a more in depth chat about learning vs knowing too.

Thanks again.

Thank you for the link and information Zen Scanner, very helpful to me. My DD8 shows signs of this same issue, maybe it is an age appropriate response to not being challenged enough at school and learning the process. I am going to read this article thoroughly and implement some of the strategies and see if they help! Thank you OP for starting this topic.

But then if you only praise hard work, and the child does something amazing, but it felt easy to them, they see no value in it. If they have a talent or ability that comes naturally to them, they should be encouraged to exploit it, not avoid it.

Also, solving problems doesn't depend entirely on hard work... it also depends on one's faith in their ability to solve the problem if they keep working on it. Confidence and work ethic go hand in hand. Some of the hardest-working people in my company have very little confidence in their abilities, which cripples them in key situations, and the ones who rise to the challenge leave them behind.

So, we praise hard work, and we also praise being smart. We use a somewhat altered definition of "smart" though. It doesn't mean regurgitating facts. It means "figuring things out on your own" (which has an effort component), and it means "coming up with a new or interesting idea." In other words, "smart" isn't about knowledge acquired, it's about knowledge applied.

I actually think the problem with "praise for being smart" is the praise part, not the for being smart part. It's tricky, because praise is part of societally conventional interaction between parents and children, but I think it's worth remembering that what we're aiming for is their getting satisfaction out of an achievement or a job well done because it was a good thing to achieve/do for its own sake, not because an authority figure praised them. Therefore, I don't personally think praising effort is that much better than praising achievement - though sometimes checking that they understand the connection between the effort they put in and the result they achieved doesn't go amiss!