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Hi All:

It seems that every few months I need to check in for a pep talk from other parents who can understand what we're going through. In the past week or so we filed a complaint with the Dept of Education, met with the superintendent and had DD's psychologist do a classroom observation. Within 48 hours of the observation the district started to provide some of the things we have been making a fuss about for the past 3-4 months. We don't know what finally caused them to respond - probably a combination of the 3 things. Yesterday our consultant, who we really felt had unfortunately come to the end of his usefulness for our situation, called to say that he is suddenly reenergized and believes that he is ready to lead us to whatever our final conclusion will be. We have a meeting next week about finally adding in assistive technology and if the district can't provide a more appropriate classroom for next year we have a plan to move forward seeking OOD placement.

All of this is a remarkable amount of progress that all seems to be coming together at the same time. Unfortunately in order to get to this point it has been months of stress and constant advocacy. I have come to realize just how much of a toll this has taken on me. Psychologically, emotionally, intellectually - even physically. And the worst part is when you feel like you can't go on any longer you don't have the option of stopping. It seems that any time you decide to give yourself a bit of a break there is a sudden crisis that needs immediate attention. It's all so exhausting - and yet you have to keep going. There is no choice.

Tonight I had an experience that showed me just how much DD's life has changed in the last few years. Where she was once the little superstar - blowing everyone away with her personality and abilities at the age of 3 or 4 - she is now the physically awkward, sensitive 8 year old that needs very special TLC. I saw clearly that her confidence in herself has been shaken, and it deserves to have been. She is still willing to take risks but is no longer the resilient little "Tigger" who bounced right back up if something went wrong.

So I need a pep talk. I foolishly read more about NLD (she is diagnosed as "NLD-ish" so not all applies to her - at least that is what we hope) last night and it is just SO depressing. If the diagnosis is accurate all of these challenges will become more pronounced as she gets older. The discrepancy between her highs and lows will become more pronounced. Her disabilities will be increasingly more noticeable at school. I am afraid my cheerful, confident little girl will be gone if I can't get her what she needs. Unfortunately no one seems to be clear on just what those needs really are and I am running out of ways to make it happen for her.

Any BTDT experiences to share?

I am sorry but I don't have any BTDT words of wisdom but I wanted to say how I impressed I am with your dedication and obvious devotion to your DD.

I am in awe of your level of advocacy and only hope that I would be as strong if it came to that.

I wish I had more to say than Good Luck but I sincerely mean that! I'll always be happy to participate in any pep talk, at least from the cheering section!

Hi Pemberley,


Well, that's good. You are getting results; I'm sorry that the process takes so much, but you are DOING IT.


I'm glad you are on top of this; it seems like a reasonable strategy, executed at a reasonable pace. And I'm glad the advocate is back in the game to support you.


I hear you. And yet I can report that over years of this aggravation, one does develop a sense of pride in the work: I know that my kid would have gotten a poor education (or none) were it not for my efforts, and yet here he is getting a really very good education, and being successful, and being recognized for his achievements. The work of it was his, but it was also mine, and I'm proud of us.

(Of course, I am also tired of dealing with it all, but I have developed enough expertise and enough of a support team that an IEP meeting does not keep me up nights any more. It's infinitely better for me now than it was five years ago.)


But she will also grow and change. She will not always be this fragile. She will grow into understanding what her personal work-arounds are for her disabilities, and understanding what she can do.

Pemb, I met a person who now works as a consultant primarily for people with ADHD and other executive function issues. The consultant has several learning disabilities herself, I believe including dyslexia. She has a personal assistant to help her manage her business effectively; her computer use is exclusively through Dragon Dictate and her assistant. What impressed me is that she is a confident, highly successful and respected professional. It was so satisfying to see.

Schools are more cookie-cutter than the world is; I think your DD will find that the world welcomes her skills even if school is difficult. Early elementary is hard; you've started from scratch figuring out the disabilities. You will continue to teach and find work-arounds that make things better over time and she will learn to manage more and more for herself.


Those descriptions might be of a typical course for a typical NLD child. But they probably DON'T describe very well a child as intelligent as yours, with a parent as dedicated as you providing a first-class education. Therapies work. Teaching works. Children learn and grow. Disability is a pain in the neck, but it is possible to become less disabled by one's disability over time through the development of good strategies for problem-solving and coping.


Is that because the NLD question is still unsettled? It did seem to me that you understood, at least, what she would need for starters to be successful in school. Are you finding that the accommodations aren't enough (when the school actually does them)? Or is this more the existential feeling that there is a bottomless pit of needs that you will never plumb the depths of?

I guess what I can really say is that yes, it's tough, and it gets better. You won't believe the person you'll be a few years from now; many things will be different, and you will have improved your DD's life by your efforts.

I have a day job, but this tough advocacy job is my most meaningful work.

That's what I've got. I hope it helps.
DeeDee

* hugs *

I understand and commiserate, and oh, if only we could schedule all our dramas to hit when we were rested, refreshed and at our best. I've been the professionally calm and collected mom and the utter melt down mom, and mostly it was just being so overwhelmed that calm mom had given up and was already digging in the freezer for more chocolate ice cream while she gladly gave in to melt down mom.

And you're probably seeing melt down mom on the horizon because now it is a bit safer to go into melt down mode. You've fought to get the changes that were so vital and now, in spite of the challenges that are still in front of you, you're also seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. So, dig in the freezer for some ice cream and let yourself have a mini pity party. You've earned it, and if you throw your own, you're more likely to get back to more energy faster than if you bottle it in and then finally melt down in grander scale,

And remember this: your daughter has you as a mom. Additional challenges or no, she'll still go through all the normal pre-teen angst and come out the other side - with your to help her through it.

I want to give you a great pep talk so you feel better! But I am not sure which one you want or need.

It sounds like you are sort of stepping back and assessing where you are, and feeling wiped out.

My best BTDT experience:

1. Don't stay up at night reading about scary options. Take a break some day and go to a coffee shop and read it in daylight. Get enough sleep and take care of yourself.

2. Keep your relationship with your partner (if you have one) and other children (if you have them). Battles with a school can be so exhausting. Take care of the whole family, not just the problem. This is REALLY hard to do in reality. Sometimes it just means stopping and listening attentively to someone else tell you something they are excited about. Maybe you already do this--I find it a real challenge in hard times.

3. Do you want to consider homeschooling again? In the fall you discussed this option: "somehow convince the district to provide spec ed services while I homeschool/unschool the giftedness"(http://giftedissues.davidsongifted.org/BB/ubbthreads.php/topics/137715/2E_Schools.html) I have certainly missed many conversations, so maybe you've decided a to leave this option aside. But given your extreme attempts, I wonder whether just keeping her home and getting the 8-year-old version of that little Tigger back would be golden right now. We got our child back after removing him from school.

4. Trust your gut and self. You know what your child needs, so don't hesitate or feel stupid about going for it. Don't undermine yourself. Trust yourself. Be nice to yourself:)

I also agree with ABQ about the ice cream. :-)

DeeDee

First of all, I admire your persistence and resilience in pursuing your daughter's education. You have gone above and beyond the point where most people would have just quit. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as a mom.

I don't have a lot to add beyond what others have said. I do think that you need to take a break from the books. I call this the "What to Expect" problem. I had one miscarriage before my first kid so when I got pregnant again I poured over the "What to Expect" book. My husband noticed that every time I opened that book I came away anxious about something that had never occurred to me (and ultimately ended up not coming to fruition). He finally convinced me to stop reading it. The rest of my pregnancy was much less stressful. I've had a similar experience with the 2e books. My brain found a way to see characteristics of almost every profile in the EIde's Misdiagnosed Child book in DD11. In my mind, her challenges became overwhelming and hopeless. I had to step back and just focus on one thing at a time because I just couldn't handle trying to address everything. So, I would skip the general info type of reading right now. If you have a specific question, by all means consult the books. Otherwise, you really don't need a parade of potential horribles right now.

Pemberley, while you're coming here for a pep talk from us, I also want you to know that by coming here and checking here *you* are helping us to - really! I appreciate that you've taken the time to keep in touch and reach out to us as you go through your journey. [/quote]


I've been where you're at to a certain degree with our schools and I know what a huge toll this can take on us as parents. For me, I had to "stop" - not stop advocating for my child, but I had to stop the path where we were looking for the solutions through the public school system. You've been very successful as an advocate for your dd, and you've grown (from what little I've seen through your posts) tremendously through the process. But fwiw, when we got to the point you're at (really a bit before that point), I did stop. Gave up. Quit the public school. It wasn't easy - it was like giving up what had been a dream of mine, or at least a vision of the future when I'd first had my child enter school. It was also hard to give up what I thought he had a right to (legally). And perhaps the toughest thing for me to admit was I was giving up a battle and letting the other side "win" - somewhere along the line, for me, it turned into too much emphasis on my advocacy vs the school's not complying... and took the focus off where it needed to be - ds. I am not saying you're there yet, or that you'll ever be, but fwiw - I can't begin to tell you how much easier my life was (and how much more effective my advocacy was) once we simply changed *where* my ds went to school. There are still times I am frustrated, emotional, sad, mad, etc. But now those emotions are where they should be - they are about things my *ds* is encountering in life, not about artificial walls put up by school.


I think it's important to always keep in mind that it's not that your dd has changed, but the world around her has evolved - she's experiencing things now through school etc that she didn't have to deal with previously. I've felt many of those same feelings with my ds - when he was very young he used to wow the socks off folks with his conversations and ideas, and even up through a bit of early elementary, when he was away from school, he was still sharing amazing out of this world ideas with us at home. And he still does. But wow, those early elementary school years were horrible - filled with anxiety, stress, reports from teachers weren't at all what we'd thought we'd be receiving way back when he was that small 3 year old talking like an adult. He also went from being very happy to being clinically depressed, all within two years of going to school. TOTALLY not what we'd had on our planned road map! And there are still days I wish it had all never had to happen that way. BUT - otoh, things really did start getting better once we hit middle school - better in a huge way. Part of it was, truthfully, pulling out of public school - but I think part of it would have happened anyway. Part of it was our ds becoming more self-aware - part of that was really tough - he spent years observing and taking in how different he was in the areas he's challenged... as well as taking in how extremely boring school was in his areas of strength. But he was also taking in something else - all the pep talks I gave him sank in, all the work we did privately and at home to help him... really did help... and he started to see that. And he saw me fighting like crazy to get what he needed at school, and he started to see that it was the school that was failing him, not his own ability. SO... all of those self-actualizations started helping to buoy him up. When we switched him out to a different middle school, he was able to be appropriately subject accelerated and that helped SOOOOO so very much. Afterschooling him through online gifted courses in his areas of passion also has helped too. And... by the time he was in middle school, we really did finally have his list of accommodations in place and working for him much better than in early elementary, and that helped tremendously too. SO - it will get better.


First, I don't think it's foolish to read about challenges that are similar but perhaps not exactly your dd's challenges. If one thing is clear (as mud) from my own family's journey through 2e, I'd say it's that no one child fits any one diagnosis lock-key - they are all individuals and more likely to fit bits and pieces of different diagnoses. Reading whatever you can about anything and everything, gathering information - it can be sad or frightening or scary or whatever, but it's giving you data that you'll compare against your own dd and eventually it's another piece of solving what is essentially a puzzle. BUT don't forget it's a puzzle that you know better than anyone else.

Re NLD specifically, I have only known two families impacted by NLD, but the predictions of things becoming worse and more pronounced over the years simply didn't happen for either. In one family, the person with NLD is now a young adult. He struggled in school, but his struggles became *less* as he moved through school. As a young adult (graduating high school, starting college), he had a rough year of knowing/defining who he was once he was away from his family for the first time - but it was not unlike what *I*, a most-likely-totally-NT person also ran into that first year away from home, or what more than half the kids I knew went through going into college. He came through that year and has a fine, happy, successful life. The other person I know is an adult, and wasn't diagnosed until she was an adult. She was not terribly successful in school but she did graduate, has a good career, and has always been very self-aware of her challenges. She was happy to get a diagnosis and better understanding of what her challenges are as an adult... but even if she hadn't - she's had a very very VERY good life. She's a mom with a career and a family and is happy.

Anyway, those are just two sample data points, which is meaningless as far as statistics go.... but they are enough to make me suspect it's not all doom-and-gloom. I feel certain your dd is going to have a very happy, very successful life. She's got the NUMBER ONE thing going for her that every story of every adult who's had a challenge I've ever heard mentions as being the key - a parent who was there for them, believed in them, every step of the way.

You're doing a great job Pemberley - hang in there!

polarbear

ps -


From my perspective, on the outside looking in, you don't appear to be running out of ways to make what needs to happen happen - you appear to be doing a *wonderful* job of making what she needs happen. No one is completely clear on what her needs are, but that's most likely going to be true for quite a few years to come. It's not unlike parenting a NT child either - no one can really map out at 5,6,7 etc what a child's needs will be down the road - we meet them as we get there. It's scarier to realize that with a child who has challenges when we know there will be challenges, but we still meet those challenges as we get there. You've done a wonderful job of meeting the challenges so far, and you'll continue to do so.

Pemberly, do you ever listen to Christopher O'Riley's show on NPR "From the Top"? A while a go (not too long ago) there was a show where the young man spoke about his struggles/triumphs regarding his NLD and how he's learned so much about himself and feels alot better about his interactions with people, etc.

Maybe if you write to the show they can let you know which show it was. You can listen to archived shows if you know the date. The young man was very cool, very self-aware, and Christopher O'Riley was interested and receptiven (and he's always really kind to the kids). My daughter has never been diagnosed with this and some people who know her say "no way" and some say "well maybe" but she can be different in different settings and with different people...but regardless, I am aware of NLD and when I heard the young man talk about it I really stopped to listen to him.

Maybe it will make you feel more optimistic!!

: - )

Do you mean this one, with Alexia DelGiudice? It's a girl, not a boy, but otherwise seems to fit your description.

well I was doing several things at once while listening...but that's what I was getting at - it's inspirational. Nice searching!

Thanks everyone. I have logged in a few times to post an update but haven't really been sure of what to say... I took your advice and threw myself a mini pity-party (instead of ice cream I hit the cookies pretty hard). Now I am back. I went to work out yesterday for the first time in I don't know how long. The folks at school are scurrying to cover all the tangible things that were mentioned in both our DOE complaint and our conversation with the superintendent. DD's anxiety seems better since the school is doing what they are supposed to. I will have to remain vigilant but that should be easier to do now that supports are (hopefully) in place. Consultant is totally back on board and has a plan.

To answer some of your questions - neither homeschooling nor the excellent private we wanted to send her to are options with all the complex LD issues. She needs really intense, targeted interventions. Next week we'll see what the plan is for incorporating the recommendations from the Assistive Technology evaluation. It is getting harder and harder to imagine this continuing to work in a regular ed classroom so I think an OOD placement is looking more likely.

If we were willing to send her to an LD school it would probably be a fairly easy agreement to reach. We don't think an LD school is really appropriate, though, and the 2 available are each an hour away. No way can I see an 8 year old doing a 2 hour commute everyday. Yes, she could listen to her high level audio books on the drive but it would probably mean an end to all her extra-curricular activities. Those extra-curriculars are really what are keeping her "in the game" (She swims, dances and is in rehearsal for a musical with a local children's theater group.) So it really is going to come down to finding a way to make it work in the current school, making our peace with the LD school as an option or convincing the district to pay for the 2E school in NYC and DD and I spending M-F at my mother's and coming home on the weekends. None are really great options. I know which will make home life easiest, which will provide the best education for her needs and which is a compromise that doesn't fully address either problem. There are problems with each which is why seeing the "end game" isn't necessarily the light at the end of the tunnel.

So any words of wisdom on whether or not a dedicated LD school has a chance of working? Anyone ever try that kind of commute with such a young child? Other thoughts?

When I was a child I lived 20 minutes away from my school...but my bus ride was a full hour with all the stopping and loading/unloading. In the morning it wasn't so bad. In the afternoon it was tiring a bit. It can be done but is it right for her...I see your point about the extra stuff being what keeps her going.

We've done the commute. We drove an hour (sometimes more in traffic) each way to school last year and part of this year for our gifted school that was phenomenal last year and downright destructive this year. My son was 4 turning 5 when last year started and we did 3 days of commuting and this year he was 6 turning 7 and it was 5 days. He loved the books on CD we listened to. We both enjoyed the special time we had to chat alone on those drives. He shared all about everything he thought. That was a great addition in our lives.

We had to shape our life around school. I would try to make plans in the area to drive less as well as volunteer (a lot!) which was great for knowing the school, the kids, and the other parents. Our extracurriculars diminished or shifted to things at or around the school. But that was okay because school was giving him so much that he didn't need those other things like he had.

I worried about friends living too far away to ever have playdates or do birthday parties but that actually ended up being a non-issue. We became incredibly close with several families and even after leaving the school mid-yr we are still staying in close touch with these friends and continuing to plan playdates.

Biggest issues for us were needing a parent basically living out of the car going back and forth and our son needing to arrive early so he could RUN and play before sitting at school. Winter is the hardest when we left in the dark and drove home in the dark. It was exhausting but completely worth it when we saw him thriving and completely masochistic when school became torture. If this year had been like last, I would have gladly continued to make that drive until he aged out just to get what he needed and see him so happy.

Best wishes on your decisions. You have more experience than I but dealing in least worst options for your child is so gut wrenching and exhausting. I hope you will find answers and peace with the decisions you make.

I can comment on this part, as we've been doing a version of this with DS-now-9 since he was 4. In our case school is about 6 miles away as the crow flies - but we don't have a car, so typically one way is DH and DS going by bike, and the other way is me and DS going by bus. By the time you've followed the bus route/the cyclepath, each of these is between an hour and 75 mins home-school in practice. Some observations:

- in steady state, when things are normal, this is actually not a problem

- but when one parent is away and the other is doing 4 hours travel each day as well as working full time, things get painful! Even if I didn't work, I don't think I could do it alone, certainly not if I had to drive.

- regular one-to-one time with each parent is a real benefit

- we have it a bit easier than you might, because when it's really necessary we can get a taxi instead and then school is only about 20 mins away (but this is too expensive to do more than occasionally)

- DS's extracurriculars happen at school, which makes life easier; and he plays two instruments, which makes life harder. I don't really feel he doesn't have time for extracurriculars. Depends how much you think is enough and how the details work for where you have to be when, though.

- another factor is what kind of homework your child has. DS's school has a no-written-homework policy, so all work he has to do outside school can perfectly well be done on the bus.

- if you have, or could have, a computer or tablet with mobile broadband, the options for occupying the time are a lot broader than audiobooks.

Can't really help with all the other factors in this decision, though... good luck.

I think you might need to go visit the LD schools, DD's test scores in hand, observe in their classrooms, and then have a heart to heart with the principal about your DD's needs and gifts. You will know-- trust yourself-- whether these would be workable.

Honestly, for some kids with interesting developmental issues, this kind of placement (where the targeted therapies are available) is great in elementary; one can then remediate the issues and learn workarounds to the extent possible, and bridge back to public with a stronger skill set. No placement is forever (especially true for a kid like yours or mine)-- you could invest a few years without making it a life commitment, IF the placement seems to truly have what DD needs.

The commute is certainly a downside, not to enter into lightly; again, you will know once you've looked closely whether it's worth the giant investment of time.

Is there an OOD public school closer by that has the particular resources you need? Sometimes that happens....

DeeDee

I haven't read the whole thread, but I wanted to let you know that I am NLD-ish. It actually seems like it is even worse now than when I was a kid. There are a few areas of my life that have been quite affected; I am very bad with machines and tools and putting things together. My spatial abilities are very poor. My sense of direction is incredibly bad, and this is probably the worst part--basically a true disability. I have very bad face recognition, which can be embarrassing. I have never been athletic and am not very coordinated. Socially, though, I don't have any issues to speak of, or no more so than most other bright, intense people I know. I have hidden my problems very effectively and avoided my areas of challenge quite skillfully for most of my life. My husband and I had some conflicts for a while because he thought I was being lazy, was kidding him, or being avoidant until he realized that there are some things I really cannot do or find extremely hard that shouldn't be hard for someone of my intelligence.

My achievement in math was always far below my achievement in other subjects. However, it was okay. I did well enough on the SAT to get into some good schools and graduated from a very good liberal arts college. I have been moderately professionally successful. I do have some degree of math phobia, and regret that I did not pursue science, a real interest, due to fear of math.

All the same, while I do seem to recognize myself in NLD, I don't feel it's been a huge issue. This is not to say that your child's problems are insignificant--just wanted to give you that glimpse into a potential future.

Pemberley
We moved. We sold our house and moved so that DS's commute would be shorter - he does about 45 minutes each way on the bus. He likes it. He has some friends on the bus who he talks to or he zones out after a busy day. However, without the bus - its about the same time - 30-45 minutes by car or public transportation but its a big commitment of mine or my husband's time. And at CollinsMum says, its rough when its just the one parent. We know parents who do it everyday though and just figure it out because what they get for it is worth it. In our case, its a school that while not truly challenging our DYS is pretty good enough - he is happy, we are happy - so the commute seems tolerable. If the school was not meeting 85% of his needs it would not be worth it. But you have to try it to find it out - and after having a bad placement - 85% is awesome.

I second DeeDee talk to the NYC school, at least see how rough it would be for you.

But for now - enjoy the hard fought achievement in compliance - they are finally doing what they are supposed to be doing and your DD is responding to that, this is worth some "me" time!

DeHe

I'd want to visit the schools too before ruling them out. FWIW, we used to have a school devoted specifically to LDs related to reading disorders, and my older dd attended summer school the year after first grade. It was an amazing school - and I soooo wish I could have sent my EG ds there once we realized how he was struggling with expressive language (unfortunately the school closed due to financial issues). Before I'd been in the school, I had a mental bias of assuming it was for students who were lower on the learning curve and if you sent a gifted kid there they would languish... but I was very, very wrong! I don't know how the LD schools near you are set up - but these are the things that our local school did that were so amazing for my dd and for other children, and I think would have benefited my ds tremendously:

* Most of the teachers had also struggled with LDs as children, so they really understood how to reach the kids, not just with academics, but the emotional and social side of growing up with an LD. They were available for the kids to call to talk to after hours too.

* Truly differentiated learning (more so than any of our gifted programs offer) - children were placed in the class that was at their ability level in each subject - so a 5th grade student, for instance, could be working at a remedial level in reading but be enrolled in high school math at the same time.

* Unlike most schools, the goal wasn't to enroll the child and keep them there for the full suite of grades the school taught; the goal was to enroll the child, help them catch up to grade level in reading ASAP, help them become comfortable with who they are and with their LD, teach them how to advocate for themselves, and then send them BACK into the "real" school world.

Back when my dd was enrolled for summer school, the president of her K-12 school's (regular school) student body was a former "graduate" of the LD school's program (he is dyslexic). He spent (I think) two years at the school, and for him, it literally changed his life - not just in learning how to read, but in realizing he was an ok kid and that his LD didn't have to define his life.

So anyway - just one example of how an LD school isn't necessarily a bad choice for 2e kids. But of course, it all depends on the school.

Re the long commute - that's a tough call. We have a 30-minute each way commute to our kids' school, and it's not my favorite part of the day! OTOH, it gives us time where we are all stuck together in a confined space and I can talk to the kids about their day and what they have coming up for homework that night etc... and they can't escape lol. Although the kids who attend the school all live spread out across our city, my kids still have friends that they socialize with from school - they either go home and we pick them up at their friend's house, or we all meet up somewhere on the weekends. Extracurricular activities are working out a-ok - they participate in some offered through the school, and most of the others they participate in are 1/2-way between here and there so we'd be driving to them anyway. Our kids still have friends in our neighborhood even though they don't go to the same school. In my ideal world, that ideal school would be just up the street and I'd send my happy Father-Knows-Best kids out the door looking all spiffy and ready for the world every morning to walk one block to school, then they'd walk back home at 3, homework would be over by 4, they'd have lots of time to play, and angels would be singing in the background (kidding!). In the real world, having the commute isn't all that fun, but otoh - having my kids enrolled in a school that they LOVE, where the teachers do a good job of challenging them as well as trying to understand ds' LD, and where *I* am not constantly battling to be sure ds has what he needs at school - those bonuses are well worth the commute.

Another thing about commuter schools (we've attended 3 so far) - there are usually car pools etc... and a lot of the local organizations that sponsor extra-curricular activities offer inexpensive van service from the school to their location (gymnastics, etc).

I also can't remember - do you have any other children? I'm guessing not since you haven't mentioned them. If you do, that would of course factor in to all of this.

I know that whatever you do choose - it will be a good choice Pemberley - you're doing an excellent job of making sure your dd has what she needs.

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - our neighbor boy rides a school bus 45 minutes each way each day because he's bussed to a special program within our district. He reads and does his homework on the bus. My dd8 rides a van to gymnastics an also does her homework on the van ride. Sometimes my dds do their homework while riding in the car with me too. DS, otoh, would be upchucking all over the place if he did homework in the car... so that's not a good solution for everyone!

I called the LD school today but the admissions director was not in. DH and I will try to visit next week. I haven't gotten a warm and fuzzy feeling from either their website or the person I spoke to today. The 2E school in NYC, though, I immediately felt comfortable. I guess I'll see what feeling I get in person.

Today spec ed teacher brought up the possibility of putting DD into "prescriptive PE" in addition to all the other services. I think it is a good idea - between the dyspraxia and the working memory issues she can have a hard time keeping up and the other day when they did a team activity her team mates apparently made their displeasure known. Adding this and Assistive Technology to her already incredibly complex IEP? I think the writing is clearly on the wall about regular ed not working...

I heard "off the record" from someone who I can be absolutely certain is reporting accurately that our district just recently agreed to place a kid at this LD school an hour away. They are not, however, providing transportation. My plan had been to argue that tuition plus transportation would cost them more than just paying for the 2E school in NYC. No way could I commit to driving 20 hours a week. No way is that reasonable. This other family could mean a carpool option but even so that is 10 hours a week for me driving and 10 for them. I had assumed DD would be doing the time on a school bus - probably not as good for her but at least *maybe* doable. The biggest problem is that she would have to leave home an hour and a half earlier in the morning than she is leaving now. That is HUGE. Not to mention 4 gallons of gas a day if I have to drive her myself...

We have considered - very seriously considered - selling our house and relocating to a different school district. No guarantee that they will be able to meet her needs any better, though. If we succeed in getting OOD placement we have to stay in our district. If we relocate our district won't have to pay and we would have to start all over wherever we relocate. So while the simple solution would be to move halfway and have DD and DH each travel 30 minutes it's not really practical. I can't really picture doing any HW on a bus or in the car unless it's audio books. Could work when she's older but now - with both dysgraphia and math disabilities - I can't see her using the time that way.

But it sounds as though it's not working only because this particular school has not wanted to make it work. Our kids have had some really spectacular levels of help in school at some points in their education, very tailored to their needs-- if the school wants to make it work, and the teacher is thoughtful and capable, and has the right resources, they can do it.

I don't want you to think complexity takes public school off the table. In our experience, it can be done-- IF the school is really interested in doing the right thing by your kid. If not, of course, well, you know as well as I.


Does your advocate have any information about what other districts are like, locally? If you moved across a border, would that give you access to a public school that has a different level of commitment to kids with disabilities?

This is tough stuff. You'll figure it out-- you will know SO much more once you visit these places, observe in their classrooms, and talk with their principals.

Hang in there,
DeeDee

We've done the commute, and for us, it was tough. Our kids went straight from school to extracurricular activities and didn't get home to start homework until 6 or 7. That left little time to unwind, much less develop friendships in the neighborhood. The school would have to be really, really amazing for me to consider it again.

But that was just our experience.

Thanks ABQMom. We have ruled out the LD school - not only is it too far away but it doesn't really seem like they would be able to meet DD's needs.

I had another conversation with the admissions director from the 2E school and it really sounds like that is the way we will have to go. Try to anyway. Hopefully we can get the district to agree rather than ending up in a drawn out legal battle over it. I do not relish the idea of DD and I being separated from DH during the school week but I think it can be doable - especially since we will be close enough to come home on weekends. If we can't make the 2E school work we will then have to pump up the pressure on the district even higher - if that's even possible. I think the district WANTS to meet her needs. It is the really awful principal and finding a teacher who gets it that will be the stumbling blocks. Without those 2 pieces of the puzzle I think the neighborhood school is destined to fail. No way should DD be sacrificed to the ego of an unqualified principal. No way can we allow that to happen...