Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Is this bullying?

I'm glad that your DD feels that you're stopping this because it is "not healthy" rather than blaming herself.

I'm also glad that you have a plan for ongoing monitoring of the two children.

I would very strongly encourage the OP to read Rosalind Wiseman on relational aggression with girls and how to teach them to handle it.

Sounds like a good start. Sometimes it's hard to see the situation objectively.

Strong second (?third) suggestion to read Rosalind Wiseman ("Queen Bees and Wannabees"). Her books, as well as "Odd Girl Out" by Rachel Simmons, are extremely helpful in opening one's eyes to the realities of "girlworld." Though these books do have chapters aimed at older girls and situations, there is a lot there that applies to all ages and they both have very useful practical suggestions and tips. They have been on my bedside table, literally, for years.

Yes-- my DD first read the Simmons book when she was about nine. She was so relieved to find out that all of the icky stuff that she'd been appalled by for years had a NAME: relational aggression.

Thanks for the great book suggestions. I will definitely get them and read them.

Just learned something new that strengthens my resolve. My daughter has a point-and-shoot camera that she uses to make videos nearly every day. I was downloading her videos from her camera card & it crossed my mind to ask her if she happened to have any videos of her cuz being mean to her. "Yes, I did, Mommy, but Aunt L* erased them." Me: "Oh really?" "Yes, she erased all three of them."

Wow. Can't believe she erased them. You may have a more complicated situation if your sister is acting like that.

I agreew with masterofnone.

Kids are not always nice to each other, but family relationships are long. Rather than getting caught up in outrage or suspicion, or frustration with your sister, I'd try to work with both kids together and be open about your desire to make things better. I would try using some techniques from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I think doing things like asking your DD if she had videos of her cousin being mean is setting her up to view this situation in an adversarial way. I'm not saying you should let her be a doormat. You should encourage her to come to you if she is being mistreated--but you could also encourage the kids to work things out themselves, with your assistance, using the active problem-solving techniques in the book. Obviously, some family situations are too toxic to stay in, but this doesn't sound like it's at that level to me at this point.

If we're making book recommendations, let me throw Little Girls Can Be Mean into the hat. It's similar to Rosalind Wiseman, but really aimed at younger girls, when they're not yet into the social aggression over boys. One of the things I like about it is that it has at least one example of a girl being outrageous, and then a couple of chapters later, it has another example of bad behavior. Then you learn that it was the exact same incident, seen from both sides. It's a good reminder that no matter how horribly they behave, they're doing it for a reason, and the reason is usually understandable if you think about it. And sometimes you only see one side and get a warped view of the whole problem.

Which is not to say that I think that your niece isn't being a brat. But I can certainly understand the desire to help her, too - she is family, after all.

I picked up all of the recommended books at the library, and am reading them now. I did start with "Little Girls Can Be Mean" and it's very interesting! My daughter was with me when we went to the library, and she was very happy that there were books like that out there to help us!

AS for working with both girls together, there's not much "working" you can do when you directly tell a child "do not lie" and she immediately proceeds to keep doing just that, right in front of me and my husband. When I tell my sister about it and she does nothing, I'm just not willing to deal with that.

DD has enough friends that we can use them to pick up the slack, and she can see her cousin the once or twice a year we make the journey. There will be no sleepovers, no unsupervised play, and no more staying at my house. People who don't follow our rules don't stay here, and I don't care if they are family or not. And that doesn't even get into the whole "yo-yo" friendship thing (the book NAILED that-it's definitely what we have here!).

To me the bottom line is if family actively HURTS my child, they aren't family. Just because DD's brain is getting slapped around instead of her physical body, I don't see the need to allow that.