Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional dumbing kids down

I had to pass on one of the most idiotic comments I think I have ever heard. My father's wife is a very interesting person to say the least and tonight on the phone she shared one of the dumbest things I have ever heard. I was explaining to her about how we were concerned about our 5 year olds feelings about being different from everyone else in his montessori preschool...the other day he told me, "mommy why am I so different from everyone else, no one likes to play with me." It broke my heart. What do you do with a child who wants to learn about how to write messages in morse code while the other kids(who are 3, 4, and he's the only one who is 5) want to play dollhouse?? Anyways, she told me, "well have you ever taught him how to hold himself back?" I didn't understand what she meant so I asked her to explain...she said that it would be a good thing to teach him how to hold himself back on what he shares and says with others so that he can fit in better with the group. She then went on to explain that it was a good skill for any very gifted or bright person to learn since there are many people in the world that just wouldn't be able to understand them otherwise. I was floored!!!! I then told her that no, I would never, ever consider teaching my child to "hold himself back". I want to teach him that he can always be himself no matter what anyone else thinks and that he is wonderful just the exact way that he is. Has anyone else come across ignorant people that have said similar things???

Well, yes... The highly regarded child psychologist we consulted when DS was in K and so unhappy in school, his current teachers in public school, etc., etc., etc.

This one falls right up there with "Just make him do kid stuff like playing with toys" and "Why can't you just let him be a kid?".

Okay, I would never ask a child not to be themselves, that's just backward thinking. However, I think it's okay to kids to develop coping skills in that they know what to say to who and when. I would never expect I five year old to know this, but as they get older.......
For example, on this forum we've discussed a variety of interesting and in depth topics. There is just a certain variety of "soccer mom" (for lack of a better term) I just wouldn't initiate a conversation on nuerology, psychology, etc. I have friends that I talk about with that stuff. And I have friends who I sit around with and discuss curtains, countertops and which clothing store the kids like best.
I like to have a lot of and variety of friends so that's a coping skill.
My DD came home and told me she was talking about her photograhic memory and she described in a very unusual way. It did not go over well with the second graders. Of course I didn't say anything negative about it.. it is just who she is. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she was testing out how much of herself she can disclose and to who. I think she got her answer.

In college I had a very good friend. I met him in my portuguese class. He is one of the most brilliant people I know. He a PHD nd a Masters Degree in Engineering/Law by the the time he was 24.

One of the things I admired the most about him was the way he could relate to different groups of people. He could hold a very technical conversation with my sister (also an engineer) and 2 seconds later have a great conversation about art or music with someone else. We all knew he was brilliant, yet we never felt "dumb" when talking to him.

I think this is a great skill to develop

When I taught writing, I called it "knowing your audience." You write/speak differently to your professor than you do to your best friend than you would to a small child.

With that said, though, you should be yourself regardless of whether you're speaking to your professor, to your best friend, or to a small child. It's not about who you are, it's about how you present who you are and how much of yourself that you present. Those are very different things!

Talk of "holding himself back" has an insinuation that I don't like at all. It would have bothered me, too. But as he gets older, I don't think it's a bad idea to begin to talk about getting along with others, with the understanding that kids his age are not necessarily his true peers and he doesn't have to be buddies with all/any of them, provided he has some buddies somewhere regardless of age.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I agree that what your father's wife said was annoying and wrong-headed, but maybe you can use it for good instead of evil?