Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional please stop performing and talk with me

My DD6.5 is having a good year in school. She is not getting into trouble, has friends, her teacher is providing challening work, etc. We have seen huge strides in emotional self control and impulse control, but there is still one issue that is so hard on me. According to teachers and psychologists and even an OT, there is nothing 2E going on here, but I thought the 2E section might be able to help.

(here is a mini background: we went through testing at one point because my DD appeared ADHD, at that time, the results showed giftedness, with some ADHD traits, and nothing on the autism spectrum. My DD also had OT for sensory seeking. She is outgoing, has a good sense of humor, and is very creative).

Here is the heartbreaking issue for me. Many times, it feels as though my DD6.5 is peforming for me, not relating with me. She is always singing, too, and even has a good voice, but it is too much. I am getting her involved in singing / acting and hope that will channel that energy, and can appreciate it in doses, but at night when I am tucking her in bed and want things to be sweet and softer and to have some back and forth, I just can't get it the way I do with her four year old sister. Her voice and body are still so amped and intense even after I ask her to slow or quiet down. She barely acknowledges what I say and then launches into her monologues at a rapid clip. My husband said once last week he felt he had a back and forth conversation with her and it was his only time in six years.

Her teacher said that she doesn't see any sign of ADHD at school, in fact, she was one of the few kids singled out for a reward for behaving well in class. She actually said she is more mature than most in her social interactions at school.

She has friends and takes their needs into consideration and has a well developed theory of mind. She notices other's tone of voice, and will use white lies to protect feelings, tries to cheer up and distract friends when they are distressed, etc. Her teacher says she is popular.

Is it just that parents are in some ways invisible to some children? I had a medical procedure recently and my four year old DD was in tears talking about how she was worried about me and is just so empathetic and caring, and I rarely feel that sort of emotional connection with my six year old. On the upside, her feelings aren't hurt as easily as her friend's and she seems happy a majority of the time. Someone can be mean to her at school and it rolls off her back. I could get mad as can be at her, and she barely seems to be affected. This can be a downside too, because it is harder to get through to her in terms of discipline.

Oh, it seems that she can be told a thousand times to close the patio door, not to do this or that, and it just doesn't stick, yet learns concepts and facts so quickly. She just seems like a more complicated child than her younger sibling.

Has anyone encountered a child like this and how did it change over time? I don't know how to break through and feel that we are having a back and forth connection in the way I experience effortlessly with my younger child. Maybe my four year old is unusual in her sensitivity and empathy. I'm not sure if I am doing a good job of conveying this dynamic. My 6 year old is very attached and bonded to me, and often expresses love and joy in being near me, but there are many times when I want the one girl show to stop and to have a real moment of back and forth, and to experience her in a mode less than 10 on a 1 to 10 scale of intensity.

(as for giftedness, my four year old is clearly advanced, but doesn't have as many spikes of advanced ability that really are out of the ordinary, and the sensory social challenges she had as a preschooler)

Well,I think I know what you mean here. This sounds a little like my son and daughter. My older dd has always been sweet and sensitive and empathic. Even when she was a baby, I had trouble reading her tear jerker picture books because she would pick up on that catch in my voice no matter how subtle. My son, who is 2 years younger than sis, is always going a million miles a minute. He is very attached and affectionate. He has always been one to body slam me for hugs. He loves to tickle and wrestle. But he doesn't slow down and tune in. I remember once finding an old picture book that my mom used to read to me. She had just gotten sick, and as I was reading it to my then two year old ds, I was sobbing, thinking of my mom. I could barely get through the book. My son didn't even appear to notice.

I do feel very attached to both dc. It is just that they attach differently, and I wonder if that could be the case for your two. My son attaches through humor and wild, boisterous physical play, not quiet cuddles and deep talks. Obviously, my kids follow cultural gender expectations, but both ways of attaching are fully valid. Do you think your older daughter might just have her own unique more playful way of attaching? The book Playful Parenting has a lot about connection through play. Might be worth a look.

Wow.... this sounds JUST like my DS8 when he was six. (wow). It was so bizarre... he loves to cuddle, always has, but when he was six (and under) he was completely immune to emotional connections. I could cry for some reason and it would go right over his head. Discipline was very hard because everything was like water off a duck to him. Two way conversations were rare. The school insisted he was on the spectrum (fyi, our psychologist said no way to ASD, and diagnosed him with ADHD combined type).

Now he's much different. He has developed a lot of empathy, and he's very sensitive. He's very connected now. We have meaningful conversations regularly, and he's very good at telling me how he feels. He's like a different kid.

My feeling is that it has to do with developmental asymmetry. When he was 6 he was advanced in many areas (visual spatial, math, and a little in reading, for example) but delayed in others (impulse control, receptive language, fine motor, etc, and... emotional connections).

Just keep on offering connections to your daughter, and give it time. With every year they change so much

Twinkletoes, my dd3 sounds a lot like your dd6.5. I have no advice but I will be watching this post. Granted my dd is younger, hence less mature but she takes me for granted, seldom listens to me, is undisciplinable ( if that is a word), is in her own production and the only way to enter her world is on her terms. But she is like that only with me and to a far lesser extent with her dad. She is an absolute angel at preschool.

Some of this sounds familiar to me as well, in that I have a younger child who connects much more effortlessly with us emotionally (in particular, he knows when to offer an apology, when to back off, and when to offer words of concern--all of which DD is not so great at). However, my older DD is popular at school and has been (casually) assessed as not having ASD by several professionals. She is different than your DD in that she's very sensitive; in fact, she picks up on my moods and expressions a little too well, but does not respond the way her brother does (this can make it hard to feel positive towards her). I actually do think my younger child is unusually socially acute--he is also extremely positive-natured-- so the difference is especially noticeable.

There is also something to be said for the concept of child-parent fit. This can be very hard to accept. I still struggle with it, because it's a taboo subject. In life, some realtionships are easier. We can work on the harder ones. They may always be harder, though.

I do second the book PLayful Parenting.

I've recently been reading "Raising Gifted Kids" http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Gifted-Kids-Everything-Exceptional/dp/0814473423
which has some interesting insight into comunicating with your gifted kid.

Things I know that trigger avoidance or conversation dodging with my DS~7 are providing a solution when he just wants acknowledgement of his problem/emotion, probing into something he isn't ready to talk about, talking down to him or using "child-speak"/simple sentences (saw a bit of this from relatives over the holiday.)