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My highly gifted dd who is nearly 7 is extremely sensitive and is very emotionally intense. It's exhausting and I'm trying so hard to keep my cool with her but it's hard.

I have had talks with her about it and have tried to explain to her that it's okay to have these feelings but that she can't yell, scream, etc at others. I have even given her a code word to use when she is on the brink of losing it. The problem is her emotions are so intense in the moment it's like she can't even remember these suggestions. Communicating with her when she is this upset is very hard. I understand her feelings, I tell her this but I am getting so tired of the constant reminding of "use your words and tell ______ how you feel."

Any ideas/help?

My DS6 (also almost 7) has been slowly working through some emotion control issues. I think he gets into little anxiety loops where he is embarassed by his own reactions and that makes it even harder. As he tries to assert control he usually needs a little space before he is ready.

I try humor sometimes which will help him break-through to rational thought. Recently, when he needs a little space, he's started saying between tears:
"please leave a message, beeeeep..."

There are theories out there about laughter erasing some of the long-term effect of big emotions.

When he's settled, I try to talk with him about the trigger. And if he is receptive I'll ask him to rate the tragedy of the event from 1 (not actually so important) to 10 (the world is ending tomorrow.)

In my mind the goal is to get him to stick his brain in between an event and his reaction. The emotional extreme may not be his completely to control, but the path there and the value he places on it could be.

I have had ups and downs with this myself and with the kids, but when it gets to be more often than not they or I are screaming, snapping, etc.,...I've had to take a look at other factors.

I just recently found out that some allergy meds can cause folks to be grouchy or worse (like shouldn't they print that really BIG on the bottle??).
Prob. some other meds might have similar effects...and these can take a while to build up.
I do have severe enough allergies to be completely laid-out in bed if I don't take something some times during the year...so I've had to get with an allergy specialist, adjust and change meds when they don't fit. Am also taking allergy shots to deal with the underlying allergy. Hope to be on allergy meds only another year or two.

I am MUCH happier now on a diff. allergy med, as is my son. He's also had crankiness/edginess with albuterol for his asthma. If your child is on anything at all, it might be worth it to check out whether of not this is a factor taking things up a notch.

Chris1234..My ds is a NIGHTMARE every spring when we need an arsenal of meds to get him through allergy season. Zyrtec and Singulair are the worse offenders for him. Luckily, he only needs these meds for a few months.

MountainMom,

I heard someone else discussing this on the site earlier this year about using the "HALT" method to help potentially avoid or identify sources of meltdowns, since USUALLY meltdowns are not in proportion to what 'tragedy' (as Zen Scanner smartly put it) occurred.

Are they:

Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

You may not be able to instantly fix all of these issues, but often kids who melt down easily seem especially susceptible to low blood sugar/hunger. While out and about, it might be super helpful to keep a few packs of crackers, granola bars, etc around.

You are right, by the time someone gets to a "ten" they usually can't bring themselves down easily (since the rational part of the brain is being overun by more primitive centers). As a therapist, one trick I suggest that sometimes help some of my most 'intense' kids is to engage in a very cerebral task when they start to feel frustration getting upwards of a 4-5. One client keeps a Rubick's cube in his room, another does complex dot-to-dots (the tricky ones), even doing something mentally such as counting by 2's, 3's, or doing square roots can help quelch the adreneline/cortisol surge that occurs when we get riled up.

I've suggested this on here before, but another exercise you can do with your dd is to talk about how unpleasant emotions (anger, frustrations, sadness, embarassment, loneliness, jealousy...) store up in us like water in a cup. I'll start out with two cups. I explain that some people naturally have fuller cups to start with because they have acute sensitivites, are struggling with a life stressor such as parental divorce, etc. As the day progresses, I explain, our cups keep getting filled with little frustrations (teacher reprimanded us unfairly, someone runs into us on bus...). I'll keep pouring water into the cup until it overflows.

Then I talk with them about the importance of emptying the cup before it gets too full. We brainstorm what works for them (talking a frustration through, exercising, music) and what tends to fill up their cup.

The challenge is to start realizing when your cup is about half-full and try to empty some out THEN instead of waiting until it's nearly full

HTH!

Things that caused emotional outbursts to exacerbate in my kids:

hypoglycemia: kids' metabolisms gobble up calories faster than ours, so making sure they have a good balance of lean protein, healthy fat and whole grain carbs made a HUGE difference in my daughter, especially as she approached puberty. When she was 12, she started having severe problems with blood sugar, and we had to remove all sugar from her diet for about two years. Once her hormones stabilized, she was able to return to a more regular diet, although she still has hypoglycemia as a young adult.

asthma flare: one of the first indicators that my son was having trouble with his asthma was emotional melt-downs. He would cry over everything, and then it would finally register with me that he was crying over everything. I'd check his oxygen saturation levels, and they would be low.

over-stimulation: when they would young, too much packed into one day was exactly what was needed to create the "perfect storm" where I became the mom everyone in the store was watching while shaking their heads over that out-of-control kid.

insecurity: because my kids were so emotionally intense even on good days, I found that giving them very clear, unmoveable boundaries helped significantly. They needed the security of knowing where the lines where and who was in charge. When they didn't have that security, the melt-downs definitely increased.

internal pressure: my kids all put huge amounts of internal pressure on themselves to meet some goal or achievement. It was often weeks before they would share this internal mandate with me, and it was usually after I saw their emotions start to rollercoaster and couldn't figure out why. I'd push until they'd finally explain some expectation they'd decided was a reasonable thing for themselves. Most often, the goals were way too extreme, thus causing the emotional rollercoaster.

On a Scale of 1 to 10: I taught my kids to measure their emotions (mad, glad, sad, afraid, ashamed, hurt) on a scale of one to ten before the day started. "Today, my Mad is at a 6, because I am still upset about...". Being aware of where they started the day emotionally helped them understand that if they were already fairly elevated before anything happened, they were very likely to escalate quickly over something that might not do that if they weren't already upset. This self-awareness really helped them self-regulate and avoid difficult environments when possible on days when they knew they weren't up to a confrontation.

I'm not sure if any of these will help you, but thought I'd share in case they do.

Be careful with Singulair... It makes kids angry, but it makes adults *depressed* when DS was on it, he got angry, but the depressed bit was clearly enought there, fueling the anger. Depression can be fatal, too.

DD took Singulair for over a year; I didn't notice a profound difference but it was during a time when she was rather awful anyway (ages 3-4).

I trialed it as an adult and it was horrible! Mood swings and terrible nightmares. It was very obvious and very bad, and stopped as soon as I was off it.

I don't know if DD reacted to it--she was just in a bad place them physically and emotionally--but I feel bad about it.

Similarly, whenever I need albuterol I feel bad about the times my kids need it. It makes me feel rotten--like I just had a major adrenalin rush.

DS just started on Qvar, an asthma preventative. He really needs it, but I'm nervous.

bleh.

For the record, I and both my sons are on Qvar because it is the only drug I was able to get prescribed that I am comfortable with. The docs will often worry abiut growth because in oral forn it can delay growth (delay, not stunt), but it's not clear this happens with puffers. They may suggest an aerochanber to prevent the spray from getting stuck to the mouth were it can be absorbed and have a more systematic effect than in the lungs. The box will sugest drinking water after taking it.

I had confusion, visual wierdness and random pains on flovent. Felt like I was drunk for the better part of two years. That was fun. Apparently there really is a chemical reason why so many asthma meds can be psychotropic. Not that I can explain it. Ugh. Will have to look into that again.

Wow, sounds so much like my almost 8 year old DD. She can FREAK. OUT. And with what I would consider very little provocation. Like you, I find it very difficult to keep my cool and deal with her, especially when she starts acting and behaving so over the top unreasonable. I can only hope that as she gets older, she learns to keep better control. I try to maintain calm, reason with her, but it is HARD!

I will try my best to distract her, sometimes a joke, a tickle, or just a complete topic switch. It works sometimes, others, not so much. What I find amazing is that she can be in full throated life is not fair how could this happen you don't listen to me I am the most hard done by child in the world and then fifteen minutes later, she's all "Mommy, let's bake some cookies!"

Really? Wow.