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My son was miserably bored in a public school.

I switched him to a small private school, but had him skip 2nd grade. 3rd grade was a little rough socially, but a great fit academically.

Well, first you need to figure out the source of the social problem, which may or may not be the other kids.

Oh my gosh-- I'm so sorry. My son was depressed last year in 4th, but it was because he hadn't skipped and was so frustrated and bored-- so even if you hadn't made a school move, it might have happened.

Did something happen today in school to cause this woman to approach you in a tizzy, or was it just a convenient time for her to diagnose your son? (Snark intended.) I can't imagine what her thought process was in tell you this in the way she did.

Have you volunteered in class to observe what is happening? Have you raised your concerns with the teacher or principal? I would start by talking to the teacher and going in to observe. Does the school have a counselor or social worker you could discuss the issue with?

If he's doing great academically, I wouldn't be in a hurry to move him back a grade. But it sounds like the school is not a great fit. Is there another option that's not the local public school?

In my son's case, the school counselor did end up talking to him, but she said he was fine and that sometimes kids just go through a slump. Separately, I figured out my son just needed some r & r from the tedium of school, so I started letting him take mental health days from school and it made a tremendous difference.

Hang in there.

This may sound unconventional but it almost sounds like he needs to be skipped again, to an environment where a) he won't find the material easy enough to boast about, and b) the kids will be older enough to mentor him.

I don't think moving him down a grade will work unless he is given individual curriculum. That would be ideal - if he could be with the nicer kids but be given his own level of work to do. Is that possible? I know you said he was at the higher level at the other school but where they willing to completely individualize the work for him?

Also, have you ever actually observed him in class? They can be quite different. I've seen my sweet, sensitive daughter become quite bossy and boastful when she is irritated or feels threatened.

Don't lose sight of the fact that the substituting mom chose her words poorly when she said something is "wrong with him socially." She should have said he's struggling, or having challenges. There's nothing "wrong" with your son. Something that I've learned is that we need to remember that not everyone has the capacity to make the best word choices all the time, so take what she said with a grain of salt.

What about public school and a grade skip? It doesn't sound like this private school is a good environment for him.

I can only imagine how depressing this must be. To start, don't assume that the school or the skip have anything to do with it. He's in a very different situation now and he may have had the same issues as a 4th grader at the public school as at the private school. Frankly, I think 4th or 5th graders can get a lot meaner than second graders (unfortunately!). My dd was young (for grade to begin with), small and grade-skipped. She had a rough time socially early on but I really think it had a lot to do with her. She just didn't "assimilate" well. I honestly don't think she was trying to show off, but others took it that way. I think part of the issue, too, was that she got more inept/awkward socially as she got older, and kids got meaner. Sigh... (It's good now, as an adult and out of college, but I think she works at it).
The biggest question I had when reading your post was why you hadn't heard this from the regular teacher/principal/social worker. No matter whether he stays or goes, it sounds like social stuff doesn't come easily for him and that needs to be a focus. When our dd was diagnosed as PG (while being evaluated for anxiety and other issues) the doc told us very firmly that we'd have the rest of her life to work on the academics, she would always be this smart, but working on the social/emotional was really important. I'd consider an outside therapist as well.
I don't think I'd move him back a year. There were times when whatever was wrong with dd (common cold ;)) certain teachers blamed it on her being young. I honestly don't think so - I think the combination of her being so gifted and a little off-the-norm socially would have been an issue no matter what her grade. Granted, it's probably easier for girls - she was petite and very pretty and didn't really have to worry about sports outside of dance, iceskating, cheerleading, etc...But I would also worry about your ds's self esteem. Dd always felt a bit different but amazingly she really didn't believe how smart she was (or at times, and this didn't help socially, that other kids really struggled and not just due to lack of effort).
I would definitely start with a meeting with the regular teacher. I know the mom/sub was really clumsy, but I'd like to think she *thought* she was helping you. Sometimes you need to just say thanks for your opinion and let it go...
Good luck, hang in there and please, please don't assume that anything YOU did or planned caused this. It might be much worse if he was still completely bored academically and struggling socially as well!

My advice is to really think through the details of what's going on, and that may give you some clarity re what to do next.


I think it's really easy as a parent to assume the reason for out-of-the-norm behaviors is due to our kids being exceptionally intellectually gifted - but that might or might not be what's up. As the mom of a 2e kid, I can tell you that I missed some very important clues early on in my ds' education simply because I assumed things that didn't exactly make sense or fall in place were happening only because he was bored and under-challenged. When you said that in the public school your ds "wasn't doing great socially" - what exactly does that mean? (I'm not asking you to rehash details here if you don't want to, just suggesting you think through what was going on in detail).



Again, think through what the social issues were in 3rd grade. It's typical for most children to have a year here or there in school where socially things just don't gel, and it's nothing to think twice about. But if you're seeing a year-after-year pattern of social challenges, even when you're mixing up the academics etc to a level that your ds should be at.... that may mean there is something more than "gifted" to the equation. It could be 2e, or it could simply be a child who needs some help with social skills, or maybe it's nothing more than your ds could use a few playdates to find friends and feel comfy.


First thing to do here - if he's being ostracized in school, you need to change something up before it impacts his self-esteem. Is it a situation that you think you can address through the school setting? Is there only one class per grade or is there another class he can switch into?

Second thing - he's continuing to have social challenges, and it sounds like you don't have enough knowledge of what's up to know what the challenges are. I would talk to his teacher (if you haven't) and perhaps observe in class. Talk to your ds as well.


My first reaction to this was, how can a substitute teacher jump to that conclusion after one day in the classroom? But then I realized, I think this is a mom of another student in his class - is that right? In that case, she has more than one day of experience to make the observation from, as well as (perhaps) hearing about your ds from her child's perspective. To her credit, this mom realizes your ds is smart. If she's an experienced teacher, she'll have been around a lot of other children over the years, and she must have some kind of credibility re her observation that a student is bragging or showing off in a way that other children will react negatively too. While her comments must have stung, I wouldn't discount them. They may not be 100% accurate, but there must be something in them to have motivated her to talk to you about it.



He probably isn't trying to show off, but you've said he has a history of social challenges. He may be coming across as bragging even if it's not what his intent is, and even if he's shy.


If you're seeing signs of depression, it's time to get to the root of what's up. Our 2e ds was diagnosed at the end of 2nd grade - not because we realized he has a learning disability (which he does) but because he became so anxious he was on the brink of depression. We had *no* idea that his anxiety was rooted in a disability that was playing out at school - but once we found out what was *really* going on with him, we were able to make accommodations at school and his anxiety lifted and his life was *soooo* so much better - because he could relax and be a kid again.


I wouldn't do anything about the school situation yet (other than possibly requesting a transfer to a same-grade but different classroom at his current school). Before you change up school for him again, I think you need to have a better understanding of what's going on with the social challenges. My first step would be a neuropsych eval.


They probably feel less resentful than you are imagining. Think about it from a different perspective - suppose the child who lives next door got an electronic drive-yourself around the block brand-spanking-new shiny car that your ds wants really really badly but you can't afford. You might be jealous for a short period of time or you might resent them having the ability to buy it for their ds for a short period of time... but before long you're going to be back immersed in your own life and your own ds and you really aren't going to lose much sleep over what's going on in other people's lives. Some parents might have briefly resented it, but most parents are far too busy with their own lives to really spend much time thinking about other people's children


I guess I see "this lady" as more than just your typical mom of another child in class - she's a teacher who has observed other children. Maybe she approached you because she cares about your child? I am not a "real" teacher but I have taught Sunday School classes for years. One year I had a child in my class who complained of his hand hurting so much he couldn't write. To any typical person in the world that might sound like a child looking for an excuse, but I have a ds with dysgraphia, so I paid attention, I asked him some questions, and I realized over time that this child also most likely was dysgraphic, and I suspected his mom had no clue. It actually took quite a lot of courage for me to approach the mom and ask if she'd ever heard of dysgraphia and to let her know I thought I'd seen some of the signs when working with her son. It's really not easy approaching another parent (especially a parent whom you've had a friendly relationship with) and letting them know you think their child might need help. Chances are that she said what she did because she genuinely cares about your child.


I hope what I said didn't sound harsh - that wasn't my intent. I hope you can be gentle with yourself and not worry too much - there are quite a few of us here who's children have had challenges with school and with social issues - and while things can be tough at times, they can also be wonderful at other times. It sounds like you've had worries over social issues building up over several years - maybe taking a step forward to understand it better will help you feel better too.

Best wishes,

polarbear

Thanks everyone for all your feedback.

The reason that I've mentioned the "skip" as a possible reason for attention is that even though "we never mentioned it" to students/parents at the school. They all figured it out quickly. A year later, I still have people asking me about it. I usually just brush off the subject because the questions feel very invasive and pointed.

The way that I see my son stand out is that he doesn't seem to want to be in the middle of a bunch of kids. He has always been a little crowd adverse. So things like recess bother him, and he will just stand out of the group. But then, he feels left out and not included.

The other thing is that he has a low threshold for aggravation. It gets better ever year. This school is probably worse in a way because it is a little less structured than public school. He is more of a rule follower.

He is good with social queues (facial expressions). He is polite. He likes to greet everyone.

He loves to read. So, he always has a book in his hand. He really wants to find someone to sit and talk about books with him.

A low threshhold for aggravation is not unusual in younger gifted kids (or older ones, though hopefully they have better skills for handling it-- and as you said, that's improving).

The thing is, a lot of kids-- particularly bright ones-- have a hard time realizing that if they want to have friends, they may have to compromise. The fact is that if a kid is gifted, or particularly, if a kid is exceptionally or profoundly gifted, there are just not going to be a ton of intellectual peers lining up to be his BFF. He may not find someone in a small school who wants to spend recess discussing the finer points of Cornelia Funke instead of playing kickball. It might be necessary to put himself out there a bit, and cultivate friendships from the ground up, or to "settle" on a friend who may be a B student, but who shares his deep and abiding love of manga.
I don't mean to sound as if I'm picking on him-- I'm not-- but I've had this discussion at least four times in the last week, including with my own daughter. I seriously don't think the "you have to be a friend to make friends" thing occurs to kids.

Eldertree,

You bring up a good point. I know I need to work on this with him on this.

Thanks for the reminder.

I'm left wondering though if the small private school was a mistake because there are so few kids to choose from.

Conferenced with the teacher today. She said my son seems fine socially, just someone who prefers alone time over constantly being in the crowd. But said he is kind and respectful in class when she sees him. She named two boys he seems to hang around with more often.

So, I wonder what set this Mom/substitute off. The regular teacher didn't think the description was at all accurate.

So, I'm still worried socially because he just doesn't have a close friend. But, I'm no longer in alarm/emergency mode.

I appreciate all your suggestions, and I'm going to be using many of them as the social side I still think needs work.