Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to deal with family's anti-academic attitude?

DS8 is not all that athletic, somewhat introverted, and generally not interested in things that other kids his age like. He has his small group of close friends, and has little interest in adding to that group. When he gets stressed out or upset over something, he often turns to the things he IS good at - math, and science. He is learning the basics of algebra, loves archaeology, astronomy, and physics, and is "that kid" who gets curious about how something works and takes it apart, only to find that he sometimes can not put it back together again. Personally, I am okay with that. I love the fact that my child does not go out of his way to fit in with every stupid trend that makes its way through the halls of his school. However, my family does not see it that way. While they are supportive of the fact that he gets good grades, they believe he needs more "kid time" and I am forcing him to do math when he would rather play video games. (For the record, he begged for months for me to teach him some algebra, and I actually had to tell HIM no until he got the hang of multiplication and division). Last time my family got together, my mother actually took his books and hid them, so he would do something else. This actually increased his stress level, believe it or not.
DS will soon be testing for his second degree black belt in taekwondo, and is an avid hiker. He spends ample time with his friends, most of it in active outdoor play, but tends to shy away from most other people. He also tends to be a bit insecure, though, so it doesn't help for my entire family to make him feel like there is something wrong with him for enjoying math and science.
So my point is that we will be visiting family for Thanksgiving, and while I want him to be able to take a break and play with his cousins and such, I also want him to have the option of working on the other things he enjoys as well. How do I make this clear to my family full of argumentative type-A personalities without starting world war III?

Me too!!! He sounds just like my DS

I wish I had a solution for you. My family is full of bookish nerds and my DH's family has almost as many.

My approach would be to talk to your DS about it and prepare him. Talk to him about how everyone has different interests, and if these family members don't enjoy time spent with reading/math/science this is ok. It's ok for them to have different interests and it's ok for your son to have his.

Here's a parallel:

My DH is an airplane/hotel kind of vacationer. I'm a die hard camper. He cringes at the idea of camping ("ew. I like to shower" he says) while I'm pining away to recreated the camping memories of my childhood. So I say to the kids: "camping is GREAT. It's ok that Daddy doesn't think so - he never had a chance to camp when he was a kid. That's ok! I bet if he had, he'd love it too."

The point is that different people have different values, and while you can't change other people's values, you can prepare your kids for the differences and let them know that it's ok to be who they are

Meanwhile I don't know that there's much you can do to change the opinions of the relatives. The important thing, though, is that your son comes away from it still feeling good about himself.

You can't.

BTDT.

Ultimately, it's just about parenting your kid, not your families.

So yes, prepare your child for the onslaught... and if that isn't enough to stave off existential angst and extreme discomfort in the wake of the tsunami of disapproval from family...

there's always what we did. We stopped going to major family gatherings when my DD was about four.

(I must add, here, that this was at least as much about safety as it was about emotional well-being, but the latter has been a VERY lovely bonus in this department...)

Bring whatever you feel like bringing, but this time speak with your mother in advance about your expectations. If the books disappear again, be polite but persistent in demanding them back, or alternatley bring such a big stack of books that you can just keep bringing out more and more of them. If there's something he can work on that his cousins might enjoy (Lego Mindstorms?) you might consider bringing it.

You post made me sad.

Your son needs to know that his interests are okay and that there is nothing wrong with him. It doesn't sound like he is refusing to interact with your family, right? He's not retreating away from all conversations? I can see gently encouraging him to interact, if he's being extremely introverted--but if this is just about them devaluing his interests and personality, there's no gray area here.

What kind of things do the cousins like to do when they have other cousins around?

I agree that I'd take along books that your ds enjoys, and I'd keep them in *my* suitcase rather than letting anyone else take them away from your ds, but I'd also try to encourage my child to interact and play with the other kids. I think the suggestion to take something along such as Mindstorms or something else that kids might enjoy so that your ds has something to share is a great idea. Even taking a DVD of something he likes might work better than a book with extended family because he could invite a cousin to watch with him. Since he likes to hike, try to find someplace that you can take him hiking while you're there and invite some of the other cousins to come along.

In your op, you mentioned that your ds "is generally not interested in things kids his age like" but then go on to mention later that he's an avid hiker and likes outdoor play - those are two things that soooo so many kids like to do! Although the family dynamic might be such that the cousins tend to gather up together to play video games or something your ds doesn't enjoy, as a parent you can organize an outdoor game or hike and invite all the cousins to take part, and I'm guessing you'd find at least a few who'd join in. Or if you're traveling to an area that you don't live in, maybe there's a museum your ds would enjoy, or you could arrange a trip to the movies - anything that would be an opportunity for your ds to have fun and *also* have the cousins come along. I see two bonuses in that approach - you're helping your ds build bonds with his cousins, as well as getting around a potential conflict where older relatives think he's being too bookish.

It's one week of vacation - or one long weekend? Try to literally look at it in terms of days, and plan for your ds to have his downtime in the mornings or whatever, but also plan an activity or outing that cousins can take part in for 2-3 hours each day or every other day. My *guess* is you might find that your ds actually starts asking to spend time with some of his cousins.

Best wishes,

polarbear

He does enjoy playing with his cousins. They go outside and ride bikes around the neighborhood, have leaf fights, and play basketball. The problem is that DS does not want to do this constantly. If he needs a break, he reads a book or works out some problems.

I think you just have to do what you do, stick up for it as much as you can, but expect that there will differences of opinion. You cannot change other people, but only hope they will respect you. It always astounds me that certain relatives see only the parts where your kid is different. As you mention, your kiddo plays outside with all the other kids (which goes unseen), but instead of whatever the expected norm of downtime is, he prefers to read or do math (which is noticed). You can't really do more than explain this to the relatives.

This is all fresh in my mind... We just had an icky experience over the weekend with relatives (who I previously thought "got" our kiddo and so we talked more about school and other interests with them than we normally would with anyone else). One relative told DH that she had studied the negative effects of acceleration, and we "weren't going to do that to our DS, were we?" Nevermind the fact that our DS has already skipped a grade and is accelerated another year because he's in an accelerated program... So I guess we've already "done" this to our kid. DH told her that things have changed since said relative had done her research, and most the findings are opposite of what she said.

Oh, she also told us that we should be doing more things that weren't so elitist (e.g., enrolling our kiddo in a FT HG program, along with the fact that we were considering giving up scouts this year with our rather crummy local pack since DS has other afterschool programs like DI and Lego League -- all apparently elitist). I said that if we had any problems with our son acting elitist, we might be concerned and investigate other solutions, but our kiddo has friends at all levels outside the program, and he gets along with them swimmingly, and the excellent programs he participates in after school are not limited to GT kids. Sigh.