Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion hanging with ability

Although we talk about hanging with ability with intelligence being the key factor, sometimes, it is something else.

All summer DD hangs with a girl, a little younger, though 5 inches taller, who can swim like her. Most of her intellectual peers do not feel comfortable in the ocean, especially with 4-5 ft waves. DD becomes BFFs with this kid, who is not even close to her intellectual peer just to have a swimming buddy on the beach and do things in the water. And DD becomes a different kid hanging with her. Now, that she is back in school (and this is several summers of experience) she goes back to her gifted classroom and hangs with her "intellectual" buddies. But there is a clear definition between groups in the gifted class. DD is into Disney XD, music, hip hop though she loves her science classes. The kids in her science class in the museum were into playing ponies or something and DD tried but couldn't relate. I am talking about 2 kids that were in her school class and also in her museum science class. (An unual circumstance that 3 kids in the same NYC class were in the science class of 20 kids of that age group for the whole city. One mother is a pullitzer winner science writer for the times. )

Anyway, just because there is intellectual match-up, doesn't mean friendship. DD leans towards the "Seinfeld" comic in the class. Likes the wit, the quickness of thought.

I thought I would bring this up since looking at the Davidson fellows, so many were science oriented. Even DH was science oriented, winning state science fairs and stuff but then got to Harvard and most loved being on the Lampoon. His buddies write for Simpsons and other TV shows. The science ones are Christmas card friends.

You can be math oriented, like myself, like DD, but just crave a different track and populace. And then I think it is harder to fit in. You are always hovering over the lines of definition.

This is interesting & I feel ya.


Also, I'm very jealous your DH is buddies with Simpsons writers!

I think it's good for kids to get to be around their intellectual peers, but it's not a requirement for friendship, of course. MY DS is behind emotionally/maturity-wise, and often gets along with kids a couple of years younger than him better than kids his own age, regardless of intellect. When he wants to play, he wants to run and shout and play fight pokemon battles and whatnot.

Of course, I'm not sure he's been around many other children who would count as 'intellectual peers' so I'm not sure how that would even go. With his PDD-NOS, it would probably still end up a crap-shoot.

I didn't have any "intellectual peers" growing up (except for two I can think of who I didn't really spend time with, such as the guy who won the National Spelling Bee).

I had quite the happy childhood hanging out with lots of different people.

So, you're saying that your DD isn't finding friends with her intellectual peers, but she is elsewhere? I think that's perfectly fine. I'm not sure I follow the post.

My closest friends in HS were not in the honors track with me. The honors track kids were mostly obsessive grade-chasers and I found them kind of boring. My friends were actually very smart, but for various reasons they didn't test too well.

Me too. My DD9 actually prefers the company of younger kids, I think because she is so sensitive and anxious. She is charmed by the sweetness of the younger set and loves to mentor them. One of her favourite hobbies is crafts, which doesn't hurt. Her main gift is math, but she has other interests and is not pining away to play games & puzzles with her intellectual peers. In fact when she is with her intellectual peers she gets competitive, bossy and tense (perfectionism... sigh) but when she is with younger kids she relaxes and reconnects with stress-free innocence

I always had different peer groups as I had varied interests. My best asset (going to a rough high school) was being in art classes with a true-life motley crew - good to have tough friends if you are, in fact, a goody-goody with a poorly disciplined tongue (such was I).

My ds' two best friends are both quite bright - but in different ways than ds. He has yet to find a fellow science/geography enthusiast. Here's hoping one emerges this year.

My eldest DS19 now, always had a multitude of different groups of peers he related to. He realized it wasn't likely he was going to find someone just like himself and that would be kind of boring anyway! He had his GT friend group, his music friend group, his athletic friend group, his creative / off the way humor friend group, etc. and never considered himself to be in any click group, he just treated everyone with respect, dignity, kindness, was accepting, and listened well getting along with just about everyone.

Yes, I think that this is actually a life lesson that astonishes some people as young adults-- when they realize that agemates and accidents of geography and bureaucracy aren't necessarily the ingredients of true friendship.

Gifted kids (and especially at higher LOG) learn this one and all its nuances quite young. Friendship is about shared interests, yes, but is also about a certain amount of natural chemistry, too.

Being gracious about interpersonal differences without mistaking 'civility' for 'friendship' is a very cool thing.

My best friend in high school managed to graduate as a functional illiterate, mostly by tricking girlfriends into doing his homework. We're still best friends today. We may be an intellectually odd couple, but in moral values and absurd humor, we're a great match.