Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy unappropriate back yard sports behavior

DS12 joins in on a soccer game in the yard. He is played with 2 kids younger that are playing nicely. DS first kick is so huge it would be appropriate for the soccer field not our yard. Then he continues to play as if he must show how great he is, instead of scaling it back to the situation. The kids told him he was being to rough and he said mean comments to his sister. He is not very agressive in his real soccer games. I'm not sure why he had to show off. This has happended before in our yard. Any ideas on helping him with this?

Our DD8 has issues like this all the time. What works best is stepping in right away and giving her a choice of playing appropriately (with a clear explanation, e.g., kick only as far as the younger kids can kick; speak nicely to your sister) or leaving the situation or getting a consequence (e.g., a time out; not being allowed to join the kids again or for a day or so; and additionally losing a privilege or dessert if she argues). Unfortunately with our DD it takes a long time for correction to have a positive effect on her behavior. Explaining that kids won't want to play with her if she acts this way, although she understands it in theory, is not enough to change her behavior in the moment. So having them play in your own backyard where you can reinforce appropriate behavior when you see a problem is actually a good situation for you to help your kid with their social skills, IMO. Good luck!

This is not an issue in our house... DD7 actually errs far on the other side, where she's so worried about hurting other kids that she plays too soft and is ineffective.

But in this situation, the way I'd handle it is by putting her on the bench for a few minutes and making her watch the other kids play without her for a bit, while explaining that if she can't play the game the right way, she can't play it at all. Then I'd allow her to get back in the game, and if the problem continues... in the house she goes.

Another way you could deal with this is by showing him how his style of play affects others by modeling it yourself. You or another adult could bring him out on the field and school him. Once he gets good and worked up about it, ask him how he feels.

DS8 is like this with video games or the computer. He tries so hard to be patient with his friends for as long as he can, but then he reaches a threshold where he just can't take it anymore and he becomes aggressive and bossy "but they're not doing it right!!" and "he's going to lose unless he listens to me!!" and "he's so stupid!!" etc etc. I remove him from the situation and talk him down. Calm, quiet voice... "some people like to figure things out by themselves." and "remember your manners." etc etc. He's learned that if he gets aggressive, controlling and bossy, he'll be removed from the game, so I think that's helped. I've noticed a big improvement in his behavior since I started intervening.

Much easier to pull an 8 year old away than a 12 year old though? (I don't know... I'm not there yet!)

My son occasionally does this. I suspect it is because he is a bit insecure, and feels the need to prove he is just as good as everyone else. Could this be an issue with yours as well?

You might also talk with your child about play with younger children being an opportunity to be a leader. Explain that younger children look to older ones for knowledge and examples. Tell you child this is a great opportunity to share their knowledge of the game and be a hero to younger people by helping them to become better at the game. In short, show them how to be a positive influence and be looked up to rather than demonstrating their abilities in a negative manner.