Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Transforming the Difficult Child

I would argue that those who are dealing with a shut-down partner ARE trying to evoke a reaction...any reaction. Yes, I totally agree that the reaction isn't pleasant. But this is much the same for a kid (like my DS) who continues to kick the back of my carseat until I've blown up. He may not like the reaction...but he was compelled to draw it out of me.

Your description of the shut-down couple is very accurate. You may enjoy the writings of Gottman Insstitute and their research with couples. It is educational and fascinating.

I have started the online intensive course I mentioned in the OP. There are five parts and I finished part one today. It is basically HG's voice following along with presentation slides. It was about two hours long.

I like the theory behind the approach. I think it really makes a lot of sense. I just wish the language wasn't so - fluffy. Not sure if that is the word I am looking for but all the talk of "energy flow" and "inner greatness" and "juicy relationships" seems to detract from program's credibility.

I still plan to use the approach. I might just tell my more critical/skeptical husband about it and only have him watch specific portions.

As for using it at school, that ended up working itself out. Our OT went to the meeting to address sensory accommodations and she brought up NHA as well. Her son goes there too, she uses this approach (kept up with the credit system the entire school year) so his teachers were already familiar with it. My son's teacher was not familiar with it specifically but she knows the OT's son had been having behavior issues which have drastically improved. She seemed really mellow so I don't think she would be one to energize his negativity anyway.

Those were my feelings about the book-- some mystical New Age mumbo-jumbo that made no sense as an explanation for some remarkably good horse sense.

KJP
I'm glad to hear that the course is useful. Sorry to hear that it isn't in a form that is likely to be so usefu to your DH. The good news is that once your DH sees you putting it into practice he won't need to read about it. Just keep positively energising your DH when makes efforts in the right directionn.

I like the spiritual stuff but I think the clearest presentation of the ideas is in Lisa Bravo 's workbook version of Transforming.

Weirdly I'm currently reading a textbook on the psychology of persasion and there is a discusion of the brainwashing of US prisioners of war by Communist Chinese durinng the Korean War. The similarities to this parenting .method jumped off the page to me: celebrating small compliances,reduced harsh punishments, and manipulating the targets self image and then waiting for the persoons behavior to catch up.

I personally would rather think about fluffy terms like inner wealth as it sounds nobler but whatever works, right?

My copy is being delivered tomorrow or tuesday. I look forward to reading it and seeing how it can be integrated together with our new parenting style to help Aiden find his own path with his intensities.

KJP - How is the process going for you? Is your son responding? Did your DH get the gist of it? Which parts are easy and which parts are difficult?

I just got some School Success Solutions info on a free webcourse in this method, and it caused me to wonder how things are going? How are they going?

Love and More Love,
Grinity

Thanks for checking on us Grinity. I am still working through the course. I have my babysitter and husband on board with making a big deal of being good and taking the emotion out of consequences. My husband seems to have the most trouble with taking the emotion out of consequences but at least at this point he is trying. We have not started any sort of credit or point system.
I'll keep you posted.

I don't think that the credit system is key while you are just getting started. Don't rush it. It's better after the initial enthusiasm has worn off, to remind the parent to acknowledge what is going well.

It's great that your husband and babysitter are on board. The excitement starts when the time outs are introduced. They are awesome, but hard to get the hang of.

Is the course interactive at all?
smiles,
Grinity

I also find that my DD goes crazy when I remaim really calm and don't get embroiled in the struggle at all. She will do almost anything to get my attention/energy back. In fact, on a few such occasions I have seen her come close to hitting me. I think it's quite scary to her when we disengage.

After DD4 brought us to our knees again this weekend, I remembered after one particualarly bad evening that she had some caffienated soda--usually forbidden--earlier that day. Never again!

To top it off, one of our old friends announced they were expecting their SEVENTH child. They sent along a photo of the first six all lined up and smiling. I tried and failed to envision us surviving having a third child similar to our first two. Then I comforted myself with the thought that they couldn't handle ours either, to fend off any creeping notions that we may simply just be bad parents.