Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Childhood adversity makes one stronger?

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/8964844/Nietzsche-was-right-adversity-makes-you-stronger.html

Some people say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My skeptical son is tired of people, especially me, telling him this. He says he has heard and read a lot more about difficult childhoods being associated with criminal behavior.

This is a debate I need to win. He has at least another year of a difficult childhood because he has to wear a brace that limits what he can do physically and he feels isolated in a small town where he doesn't fit in. He dropped out musical theater for the summer because he felt it would be too difficult to rehearse the dances enough to do well in the one hour he could be out of the brace. Musical theater was the only thing he did with other kids. Since we homeschool he is used to being with me all day but I think he gets tired of being around me so much. He asks to be left alone a lot now. We have to get through this.

Difficult childhoods in what respect?

Constant exposure to violence or just a lot of obstacles to overcome? Are the actions employed leading measurably to a positive result or do they lead to personal destruction?

This time is a gift for him. He will not always be around you and his dad. He will not always a carefree summer stretching away to forever. He will not have the time to read, to think, to wonder.

And in the future, when life drops a brace on him from nowhere, when the world turns its back, he will be capable of stepping forward and assuming that load without blinking a eye. He won't stumble or fall or collapse. He will assume that huge load - with full knowledge of what it entails and still be able to function. There will be very, very few of his generation who will be able to follow.

If I had a lot of time on my hands, I would begin to write again. Now might be a good time to capture the goofy world he lives in now so that when he leaves it, he will have it clearly set.

There will always be someone who hurts worse, who is hungrier and more deprived. That doesn't make this child's experience any less hard for him at this time. It hurts to be different when the social task of adolescence is to be the same.

I don't think you can win the debate b/c it is faulty: who has not suffered? Of course proportion of suffering differs greatly. I can think of people who have overcome serious adversity (Helen Keller, Mya Angelo) and those who grew into psychopaths (Jeffery Dahlmer, Hitler)...but the connections to their suffering is merely anecdotal.

It can be difficult to sort it out because risk factors tend to cluster. But the environmental factors that lead to criminal behavior usually include abandonment by caregivers, lack of structure (think "bedtime", regular meals...), and abuse, especially by adults they should be able to trust. Limitations from a physical disability leads to criminal behavior much more often in comic books than it does in real life.

When I was in grad school, I knew a handsome young man who surfed, rode motorcycles, sky-dived, played bagpipes, and had been on the ski team in college. He was also smart, funny, and sweet. He maintained a long-distance relationship for several years that resulted in marriage, and that's not easy to do.

After I had known him several months, he told me a story from his childhood. That was the first time I found out that he had worn a brace on his legs when he was a small child because of a birth defect. He said his parents were surprised that he turned out to be so athletic.

So, I'm biased. I would not put a child through that pain if I didn't have to. But if that brace is part of what made my friend such an impressive individual, I have to love that brace.

...(hit submit too soon)

The intellectual debate is a diversion to his sadness and vulnerability. He sounds like he might be getting depressed. Of course you want him to feel better, maybe getting him to see how this bad thing is actually good isn't helping. He might feel you (and everyone else) doesn't understand his hurt. When I'm really hurting, it's hard to hear why this is good for me. I usually want someone to agree and say, "Yeah that sucks".

On a philisophical front, Victor Frankyl's "Man's Search tor Meaning" may resonate with him.

Why?

Also, why is speculation about how he'll feel in 10 or 15 years relevant if he's made it clear that he doesn't want to talk about it? Maybe he's not taking any comfort in the idea and it just bugs him to keep hearing it repeated.

Maybe your son feels like people are preaching to him and is tired of it. Maybe he just doesn't want to talk about his potential emotions in the distant future. Maybe there's another reason for him not wanting to do theater and he's just using the brace as a way to avoid talking about it. If he wants to keep up the theater, he could take a different role or do something offstage. Next year, when the brace is off, he can reassess his options.

It's not like he has a choice about the brace, right? Your previous posts have given me the impression that he understands why he has to wear it, and accepts it. Is this correct? Do you think he's depressed? Pain and isolation aren't a lot of fun. Does he have friends he sees every week?

Your OP in this thread didn't make it clear why you think you need to win the debate.

Maybe it's the patience that makes us stronger. The patience to delay gratification leads to all sorts of positive outcomes. Some folks, because of adversity, find that patience within themselves somehow, use it, and develop it. Some folks never develop it, and have problems with relationships and substance abuse.

My son is hearing-impaired. We've told him since we found out, in kindergarten, that he has to work harder than the other kids to keep up. He doesn't always do that, LOL, but he does keep trying. I think that having a strong work ethic and the attitude that "if you send me lemons, I'll make lemonade" will serve him very well throughout his life.

Lori, I'm finding it interesting that you are framing this as a contest between you and your son. Are you concerned that he's contemplating a life of crime? (yes, I'm joking)

I'm with him; I'm kind of tired of hearing from the Pollyannas of the world, too.

I hate to mention this, but... he's actually correct, at least in the statistical sense. While the old saw may well be correct in anecdotal instances, it's more normative for childhood privation and disadvantage (of various kinds) to lead to bad outcomes. That's why social programs try to mitigate those things as much as possible through early childhood interventions in "at risk" children. They are "at risk" of becoming helpless and dependent-- or fueling crime statistics; both are societal problems.

Rags to riches stories are compelling because they are outlier stories. Then again, there are outlier stories of riches-to-rags aplenty, too. So the anecdote does demonstrate that circumstances are not destiny.

Perhaps you're both onto something. I suspect that he is looking at it from one angle (most people who experience severe adversity as children go on to do _______), and you see it from the other (people who are strong and resilient as adults have ________ backgrounds). Your motive is obviously that you want him to be optimistic, not bitter.

I understand your perspective as a parent (I really do, as mom to a 2E, home-educated introvert), and it seems sensible to me that protecting children from all adversity limits their opportunities for-- well, learning to pick themselves up and dust themselves off, so to speak.

My advice, which you're free to ignore, of course, is to be very frank and forthcoming about your expectations and perceptions about his limitations and what they mean to him, but to make that a two-way conversation. If he doesn't think that something is worth the extraordinary effort needed (beyond his peers), maybe he's got good reasons, or at least good enough reasons.

I'm a big believer in not sugar-coating things when they really and truly do NOT have a 'bright side.' Having your disability be the ONLY thing that keeps you from a true passion and having no obvious way over that barrier is not something with a bright side.

2E or not, being a kid means that you lack the life experience that grants a certain... perspective to disappointments and pain. KWIM? I'm entitled to insist to my 13yo that she lacks a certain perspective that might lead to very different conclusions when she opines that life "is a sucking black hole of emptiness" after a setback. I see things she doesn't (another 30+ yr of life experience).


If musical theater is a real passion, then does he have interest in learning the other aspects that the audience never sees? Perhaps he'd like to give dramaturgy or the sound-board a try. On the other hand, it may be too painful to feel as though he's being forced to watch others doing what he wishes he were doing. That's a valid and legitimate feeling.

One other thing to consider-- is musical theater still HIS passion? Or yours for him? Or is it just the only game in town? If he's been getting approval via his acting and performance, you might explore whether or not he's reluctant to tell you that his interests have shifted, or has reached a point where he finds it too difficult or painful to keep doing it. Kids sometimes feel as though walking away is going to disappoint us, even when they've gotten what they can out of something.

Ultimately-- (and this is what I've said to my own DD, too);


It really isn't about the hand you're dealt. That is what it is, and everyone finds that they aren't happy with those circumstances at some point. It's about whether you rail against fate and wallow in what you DO NOT/CANNOT have... or whether you decide to get on with it the way things are, and figure out another way to get where you want to go... or maybe, another destination entirely.

That's the secret of those successful adults that overcome adversity. They don't keep dwelling on the adversity part of things, they just keep finding ways around obstacles, even when they can't take them head-on.

There's no doubt that sometimes that can be a very hard and painful thing. Pollyanna would say that it builds character, but I find Pollyanna deeply irritating, myself.