Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional How To Create Positive Experiences In School

In the past two weeks, I've received 12 emails from teachers at my son's mid school letting me know he has forgotten, failed to complete, completed incorrectly or in some other way failed to do what the teacher expected him to do. These infractions worth emailing me have included not seeming to listen while other students are reading out loud from a text book in class, doing the odd numbers instead of the even numbers on a math paper, spilling water in his backpack from his water bottle thereby rendering his homework a soggy, unreadable mess, and not reading the directions correctly and only doing one of two steps for each problem on a worksheet.

The worst has been losing a packet for a book project of assigned poems that is to be sent to the publisher for the entire class tomorrow. He was given a new packet with no instructions as to what went on each page. With one day to go, I've received the instructions from the teacher with a note that if it is not all done including drawings for each page, he will receive a zero for the semester in her class.

While I understand that responsibility, following instructions, and being attentive in class are all reasonable expectations, I am very, very concerned that my son is receiving a litany of messages of how he is a disappointment, not normal, and a failure. That is an awful thing to have reinforced on a regular basis.

We have an IEP in place that allows for late assignments, reduced work load, etc., but I'm finding as the year rolls to a close, the teachers have lost a lot of willingness to make exceptions for him and think he is being coddled.

I have made a request to have him re-tested by the school but think I will have to figure out how to pay for some private testing, because I am thinking there is a working memory issue or something beyond dysgraphia/dyslexia.

So I guess my question for you all is this: how do you advocate or create positive experiences for your 2E child when they're having a lot of negative feedback, much of it probably earned.

Has he been evaluated for possible ADHD? That sort of litany of problems is very typical for an ADHD kid.. constant loss of work, forgetting items, unintentionally damaging things, etc, etc, etc.

Hi Amy -

He was evaluated for ADHD and doesn't have it.

He's just always in his own head.

Instead of listening to kids read aloud, he's devising his own new method for doing math or wondering whether a scientist thought through a specific detail of a theory that was mentioned in the first five minutes of reading so that he zones out and doesn't listen to the rest of it.

And he's clumsy. He just learned to tie his shoes this past summer but still really struggles with it, buttoning shirts is a nightmare for him, and cutting his food at the table means the dog enjoys most of it after it falls on the floor.

He has accommodations that allow him to email assignments, and this has dramatically increased the amount of work that gets turned in, but he still loses worksheets and other assignments that couldn't be emailed.

Hi ABQMom - does your ds have developmental coordination disorder? Sorry I can't remember if you've mentioned it before. My ds12 has DCD and has many of the same issues with clumsiness, buttoning shirts, and is incredibly organizationally challenged (but doesn't have ADHD - we've been through that in minute detail and are very certain of it). Our ds gets really bored with kids reading aloud at school - he usually just goes ahead and reads the entire book, then has nothing else to do for days other than daydream. Somehow he manages to still hear whatever is being discussed... but I've often wished we could find him a humanities class which had no reading out loud, and where the kids all read fast enough they could read a book for 1-2 days then have the discussion then be done with it and move on...

Even though our ds has made good strides in organization skills this year (6th grade), I've found that as the year winds down it's becoming more of a challenge for him as the teachers are busy, I think maybe they're feeling the pressure of getting everything completed by year's end, and who knows what. It's also been a bit of a challenge for ds to morph back into his routine post-spring-break.

I wish I had an answer for your question re how to create positive experiences in school. For us, we had to change schools last year - finding a school with a relatively small number of students and a teaching staff that respect parent and student input as well as "getting it" re how ds' disability impacts him, combined with being willing to be flexible to accommodate his challenges.. that's all made a tremendous positive impact. Still there are many times that ds is discouraged and has way to much negativity to deal with related to his challenges. Last night was really tough here - so I dunno. We seem to hit times when things are going well, then boom! Stuff happens at school and the frustration hits again.

I think maybe I'll have some better advice later in the day (or week) when I've recovered from our yesterday In the meantime, I'm interested in hearing what other parents have to say.

polarbear

ps - there was a large side benefit for *me* in switching schools - at our previous school we were running head-on into things like you mentioned above over and over again and I was constantly having to advocate advocate advocate.. the teachers are so much more willing to be understanding re challenges at his new school that it's opened up the opportunity for ds to do more of his own self-advocating (and be successful at it)... which has taken a *ton* of pressure and worry off of me.

Oh, polarbear, you made me cry. Not only because it helps to know someone else understands but because I shared a crappy night with my kiddo as well.

Yes, his actual diagnosis is motor-neuro developmental coordination disorder. The school calls it dysgraphia because no one knows what to do with DCD. I've gotten in that habit as well. I've been accused of being in denial and refusing to get proper treatment (drugs) for my son, but, like you, I've had to have it proven that he doesn't have ADHD.

Maybe it is just end-of-the-year craziness. I'm just so frustrated with the anger/resentment I'm picking up in the tones of the emails, as if they think by this time of year he should be "fixed".

ABQ, I'm so sorry-- this is awfully frustrating. There is definitely an annual cycle: teachers are so optimistic at the start of the year, quite tired by December, but on a roll in the early spring, and by this point they're trying to meet year-end goals but also, yes, wanting to see growth and progress in return for their efforts.

I think it's very hard for them to realize that some things are not fast fixes; that even good teaching may not entirely remediate a neurological disability. And certainly not in one year.

It may be worth while to be in touch with the teachers and change up strategy together with them. ("I notice that x y and z are causing some frustration. DS is feeling down about his difficulties in this area, and so am I. How can we approach this in a new way?") This may help freshen up attitudes...

I also send them "hooray" email now and then about progress I see. "Wow, DS has written down his homework every day this week! Thanks!" sort of thing. Just to remind them that their effort matters to me and to DS.

DeeDee

On organizational issues, I've also seen that teachers see the need to remind all the kids during the first part of the year, assuming they can pull back on that later and have it stick. So not only are they forgetting about his IEP accommodations, but they've also removed some of the support that it otherwise just there. We've struggled with this part repeatedly.

Is this middle school, so these emails are coming from multiple teachers?

If so, it might be useful to make each teacher aware of what the others are seeing. Is there a school councilor that meets with the teachers and keeps tabs on the kids? I wonder if he's seeing it coming from all sides, while the teachers are only seeing their little slice of him. A little criticism from each teacher seems innocuous to them, but compounds to a death from a 1000 cuts.

DeeDee - Yes, you're right. That is the normal cycle of things, and it makes the teachers' frustrations make a bit more sense. I've tried the thank-you's and try to give positive feedback even in my emailed replies - thank you for the extra time you're taking, etc.

master of none - you hit it spot on - the coming down hard has been since state testing is done. As to the zero, I could probably bring in the "big guns" and fight her on it, but it just seems so silly. He finished the new version of the book tonight and will have it to give to her tomorrow. As to the consequences of a zero for the semester - we actually are in a state where the school cannot fail a child without the parents' consent, although the governor is working vigorously to overturn this law. And your advice to deflect blame - I'm going to have to work on that one. I do end up somehow having failed as a mother every time I get one of these emails.

Geofizz - your description of 1000 paper cuts describe exactly how I'm feeling about it all. When I picked my son up early from track this afternoon so he could get started on the big project, the coach yelled after him, "Great job today! Love you energy and effort!". I wanted to hug her. She let him on the team after talking with me and understanding he would likely have some coordination issues, and she's been amazing with him. He's tried out some running events, discus and shot put thus far. I know she has latitude a teacher doesn't, but focusing on his contributions rather than his failures does so much for his confidence.

So he finished the entire project he had to redo last night. I drove him to school this morning so that it wouldn't get mangled on his walk, and he almost walked off from our vehicle without it. He got it out of the back seat, set it down on the front seat while he put on his backpack and then started to close the door without the packet in hand. I had to call after him before he walked off or he would've completely forgotten it.

I truly understand the teachers' frustrations, but I'm not sure what tactics to use to try to help him remember things. He literally carries every book from every class all day rather than using his locker so that he doesn't forget things in his locker. His backpack is so heavy, it is hard for me to pick up. But if he forgets something in his locker, he is often given a zero because he didn't come to class prepared, so this is his solution.

Anything that has worked for you all?

Could you ask the school to borrow second copies of the textbooks as an accommodation, or can you buy them yourself?

We have about six weeks left of this school year, so I won't create that hassle for them this year, but I will ask about this for next year. Good suggestion - thanks. Who knows - maybe a few of them will be available digitally so that he can use either his computer or iPad to access them at home.

ABQ, does the IEP include any direct instruction in organizational skills, or only accommodations?

Our DS9's IEP includes direct instruction in organization. The special ed teacher checks on him at the beginning of the day to make sure he wrote everything from the board into his planner, and at the end of the day, she has him check the planner, think through what assignments he's doing tonight and what he needs to bring home. I can then do a lot of prompting at home as needed to make sure it all gets back, but I am trying hard to leave more and more of it to him; the goal is to fade the direct instruction by middle school. We see real improvement over time because of the instruction.

My feeling is that accommodations may continue to be necessary, but he won't get the skills unless someone teaches them to him and reinforces them. Maybe your DS is similar?

DeeDee

The books "Smart, But Scattered" and "Late, Lost, and Unprepared" have some helpful information and advice on developing executive function skills.

In our expereince, The Nurtured Heart Approach found in the "Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook" is a good approach to combine with some of the suggestions in the two books above so that your child regains a sense of himself as being lovable and capable. We haven't had much luck with using punitive measures as consequences in learning executive functioning. In our experience, the anxiety that goes along with fear of punishment just makes it harder to for our son to remember things and organize his thoughts and belongings. Rewards and praise for small improvements have been much more helpful. Electronics such as Outlook, phone calendars with alarms and note lists, printed daily schedules, and other ways of externalizing these memory and organizational functions have been essential.

I don't know much about DCD, but it does sound to me like some executive function problems are there. Kids with executive function problems aren't simply being lazy/forgetful, the part of their brain responsible for considering consequences and planning ahead is simply not as developed/mature as other children their age. In ADHD there's a common thing I've read referred to as the 60% rule. IE: If the child is 10, expect them to have the executive function of a 6 year old. I would try and see if you can have his IEP address these issues (some accommodations I've head of are having the teachers either review the child's assignment sheet, or email assignment info, allowing the child to email the teacher assignment or homework, allowing an extra day to turn in work, or to return to a locker to fetch it. That sort of thing.)

You are right. The higher the stress, the worse he's done.


I actually stole your quote and used it in the emails I sent out this morning. I think they need to be clear about the pressure and stress level they are creating - and that it is counter-productive.


No - and I've asked whether it is possible to have him meet with someone before and at the end of school to help him develop these skills and was told that no such resource exists.

aculady - thanks for the titles; I will find them and start reading them. It is so clear that it is not something he can "just pay attention" and do better.

epoh - he actually does have accommodations in his IEP to email assignments, have the teacher sign his agenda, but he doesn't have the return to his locker accommodation. I'll ask about that. It might lower his fear - and the load on his back. The assignments that end up being a problem are the ones he does in class or that are a worksheet that can't be emailed or projects that can't be emailed. Those are the ones that get lost or done incorrectly.

Is he given a stack of work at one time? I know that is typical in my son's 2nd grade classroom - the teacher will place 5-10 worksheets on a kids desk, then go over them. Some will be required, some not, but if my son were to sit down and see 10 work sheets on his desk he would promptly FREAK OUT. So one of things she does is only give him 2 things at once. She keeps the rest on her desk. His 'extra' work goes directly into his chair pocket.

I know your child is older, but perhaps something similar could help - one assignment at a time, that is turned directly in when finished, as opposed to holding onto several things for the duration of class.

Good luck to you. It seems like the teachers want to just race to summer this time of year!

I flipped through a book at the library the other day, Where's my stuff? http://www.amazon.com/Wheres-My-Stu...f=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1333650105&sr=8-10

It started off by having the kid identify his weakness and why it was a weakness, and then offered specific paths to address it. I recall one of the things in there was the issue of carrying the 25 pound backpack for fear of forgetting something.

Excuse me, but fiddlesticks. Needs are supposed to drive services. Not "availability." If there is an educational need arising from the disability, they are supposed to meet it. (Use the site search box on Wrightslaw to read the law about "functional" skills-- organization is absolutely something that can and should be taught under an IEP for a child with executive function delays.)

You could call a new IEP meeting, note that there's a huge amount of evidence (cite the countless emails from teachers and zeroes on assignments) that shows that these needs are not being met, and ask that appropriate resources be applied. If you work on it now, it will be in place by next fall, which seems to me like it would be a good thing.

They should be teaching him:
--how to use a planner to keep track of assignments and due dates
--how to make sure papers don't get lost (having and using a system)
--how to make sure papers get turned in
--at what parts of his day to use his system (cueing until it becomes rote)

The plan for our DS is direct instruction that fades to a checklist prompt that fades to his remembering to do it on his own. He's made real strides this year and is now writing in the planner on his own most of the time.

BTW this is the sort of negotiating task I prefer to delegate to our educational advocate, because it saps my energy to go back after they've said no and work it through. If that is an option for you, I recommend it.

However, my feeling is that it is totally worth making the argument and getting them to teach these skills. As he goes through school, expectations will rise, and without teaching the gap between him and peers will become larger, and the thousand cuts more acute.

DeeDee