Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional How To Create Positive Experiences In School

In the past two weeks, I've received 12 emails from teachers at my son's mid school letting me know he has forgotten, failed to complete, completed incorrectly or in some other way failed to do what the teacher expected him to do. These infractions worth emailing me have included not seeming to listen while other students are reading out loud from a text book in class, doing the odd numbers instead of the even numbers on a math paper, spilling water in his backpack from his water bottle thereby rendering his homework a soggy, unreadable mess, and not reading the directions correctly and only doing one of two steps for each problem on a worksheet.

The worst has been losing a packet for a book project of assigned poems that is to be sent to the publisher for the entire class tomorrow. He was given a new packet with no instructions as to what went on each page. With one day to go, I've received the instructions from the teacher with a note that if it is not all done including drawings for each page, he will receive a zero for the semester in her class.

While I understand that responsibility, following instructions, and being attentive in class are all reasonable expectations, I am very, very concerned that my son is receiving a litany of messages of how he is a disappointment, not normal, and a failure. That is an awful thing to have reinforced on a regular basis.

We have an IEP in place that allows for late assignments, reduced work load, etc., but I'm finding as the year rolls to a close, the teachers have lost a lot of willingness to make exceptions for him and think he is being coddled.

I have made a request to have him re-tested by the school but think I will have to figure out how to pay for some private testing, because I am thinking there is a working memory issue or something beyond dysgraphia/dyslexia.

So I guess my question for you all is this: how do you advocate or create positive experiences for your 2E child when they're having a lot of negative feedback, much of it probably earned.

Has he been evaluated for possible ADHD? That sort of litany of problems is very typical for an ADHD kid.. constant loss of work, forgetting items, unintentionally damaging things, etc, etc, etc.

Hi Amy -

He was evaluated for ADHD and doesn't have it.

He's just always in his own head.

Instead of listening to kids read aloud, he's devising his own new method for doing math or wondering whether a scientist thought through a specific detail of a theory that was mentioned in the first five minutes of reading so that he zones out and doesn't listen to the rest of it.

And he's clumsy. He just learned to tie his shoes this past summer but still really struggles with it, buttoning shirts is a nightmare for him, and cutting his food at the table means the dog enjoys most of it after it falls on the floor.

He has accommodations that allow him to email assignments, and this has dramatically increased the amount of work that gets turned in, but he still loses worksheets and other assignments that couldn't be emailed.

Hi ABQMom - does your ds have developmental coordination disorder? Sorry I can't remember if you've mentioned it before. My ds12 has DCD and has many of the same issues with clumsiness, buttoning shirts, and is incredibly organizationally challenged (but doesn't have ADHD - we've been through that in minute detail and are very certain of it). Our ds gets really bored with kids reading aloud at school - he usually just goes ahead and reads the entire book, then has nothing else to do for days other than daydream. Somehow he manages to still hear whatever is being discussed... but I've often wished we could find him a humanities class which had no reading out loud, and where the kids all read fast enough they could read a book for 1-2 days then have the discussion then be done with it and move on...

Even though our ds has made good strides in organization skills this year (6th grade), I've found that as the year winds down it's becoming more of a challenge for him as the teachers are busy, I think maybe they're feeling the pressure of getting everything completed by year's end, and who knows what. It's also been a bit of a challenge for ds to morph back into his routine post-spring-break.

I wish I had an answer for your question re how to create positive experiences in school. For us, we had to change schools last year - finding a school with a relatively small number of students and a teaching staff that respect parent and student input as well as "getting it" re how ds' disability impacts him, combined with being willing to be flexible to accommodate his challenges.. that's all made a tremendous positive impact. Still there are many times that ds is discouraged and has way to much negativity to deal with related to his challenges. Last night was really tough here - so I dunno. We seem to hit times when things are going well, then boom! Stuff happens at school and the frustration hits again.

I think maybe I'll have some better advice later in the day (or week) when I've recovered from our yesterday In the meantime, I'm interested in hearing what other parents have to say.

polarbear

ps - there was a large side benefit for *me* in switching schools - at our previous school we were running head-on into things like you mentioned above over and over again and I was constantly having to advocate advocate advocate.. the teachers are so much more willing to be understanding re challenges at his new school that it's opened up the opportunity for ds to do more of his own self-advocating (and be successful at it)... which has taken a *ton* of pressure and worry off of me.

Oh, polarbear, you made me cry. Not only because it helps to know someone else understands but because I shared a crappy night with my kiddo as well.

Yes, his actual diagnosis is motor-neuro developmental coordination disorder. The school calls it dysgraphia because no one knows what to do with DCD. I've gotten in that habit as well. I've been accused of being in denial and refusing to get proper treatment (drugs) for my son, but, like you, I've had to have it proven that he doesn't have ADHD.

Maybe it is just end-of-the-year craziness. I'm just so frustrated with the anger/resentment I'm picking up in the tones of the emails, as if they think by this time of year he should be "fixed".

ABQ, I'm so sorry-- this is awfully frustrating. There is definitely an annual cycle: teachers are so optimistic at the start of the year, quite tired by December, but on a roll in the early spring, and by this point they're trying to meet year-end goals but also, yes, wanting to see growth and progress in return for their efforts.

I think it's very hard for them to realize that some things are not fast fixes; that even good teaching may not entirely remediate a neurological disability. And certainly not in one year.

It may be worth while to be in touch with the teachers and change up strategy together with them. ("I notice that x y and z are causing some frustration. DS is feeling down about his difficulties in this area, and so am I. How can we approach this in a new way?") This may help freshen up attitudes...

I also send them "hooray" email now and then about progress I see. "Wow, DS has written down his homework every day this week! Thanks!" sort of thing. Just to remind them that their effort matters to me and to DS.

DeeDee

On organizational issues, I've also seen that teachers see the need to remind all the kids during the first part of the year, assuming they can pull back on that later and have it stick. So not only are they forgetting about his IEP accommodations, but they've also removed some of the support that it otherwise just there. We've struggled with this part repeatedly.

Is this middle school, so these emails are coming from multiple teachers?

If so, it might be useful to make each teacher aware of what the others are seeing. Is there a school councilor that meets with the teachers and keeps tabs on the kids? I wonder if he's seeing it coming from all sides, while the teachers are only seeing their little slice of him. A little criticism from each teacher seems innocuous to them, but compounds to a death from a 1000 cuts.

DeeDee - Yes, you're right. That is the normal cycle of things, and it makes the teachers' frustrations make a bit more sense. I've tried the thank-you's and try to give positive feedback even in my emailed replies - thank you for the extra time you're taking, etc.

master of none - you hit it spot on - the coming down hard has been since state testing is done. As to the zero, I could probably bring in the "big guns" and fight her on it, but it just seems so silly. He finished the new version of the book tonight and will have it to give to her tomorrow. As to the consequences of a zero for the semester - we actually are in a state where the school cannot fail a child without the parents' consent, although the governor is working vigorously to overturn this law. And your advice to deflect blame - I'm going to have to work on that one. I do end up somehow having failed as a mother every time I get one of these emails.

Geofizz - your description of 1000 paper cuts describe exactly how I'm feeling about it all. When I picked my son up early from track this afternoon so he could get started on the big project, the coach yelled after him, "Great job today! Love you energy and effort!". I wanted to hug her. She let him on the team after talking with me and understanding he would likely have some coordination issues, and she's been amazing with him. He's tried out some running events, discus and shot put thus far. I know she has latitude a teacher doesn't, but focusing on his contributions rather than his failures does so much for his confidence.

So he finished the entire project he had to redo last night. I drove him to school this morning so that it wouldn't get mangled on his walk, and he almost walked off from our vehicle without it. He got it out of the back seat, set it down on the front seat while he put on his backpack and then started to close the door without the packet in hand. I had to call after him before he walked off or he would've completely forgotten it.

I truly understand the teachers' frustrations, but I'm not sure what tactics to use to try to help him remember things. He literally carries every book from every class all day rather than using his locker so that he doesn't forget things in his locker. His backpack is so heavy, it is hard for me to pick up. But if he forgets something in his locker, he is often given a zero because he didn't come to class prepared, so this is his solution.

Anything that has worked for you all?

Could you ask the school to borrow second copies of the textbooks as an accommodation, or can you buy them yourself?