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Hi,

My first post, however, I have been reading a while. I am struggling with how I am being treated at my dd's elementary school. I was hoping some of you might help me not feel so isolated in this journey. I have been struggling through kindergarten with my dd this year. It took months of advocacy to finally (halfheartedly at best) meet her at her skill level. It has been a crazy battle over the simplest of issues (they were determined not to test her reading above grade level even though I could list books she could read at home).

I probably have the best differentiation that I am going to get and am just counting the days until the end of the year. However, now the principal won't talk to me. Even a greeting is met with a dirty look. I have been very kind (probably too kind for how completely ridiculous some of the conversations have been - and the lack of follow-up on the things that the school has agreed to).

Has anyone successfully repaired these types of relationships? I could just not care, but it just seems unnecessarily stressful (I volunteer every week). Is this just my future?

Katherine

I'm so sorry to hear what you're dealing with at your dd's school, and I'm shocked at the principal's behavior. I have had ineffective principals, and unfriendly ones, but never one so directly unfriendly that I would receive a dirty look or not get a response to a greeting.

I am very direct, so I would probably schedule a meeting to talk to the principal one-on-one and say exactly what you have noticed. "I want to have a good relationship with you, and you have seemed distant or upset when I've spoken to you. How can we improve things?" Do you get the sense that s/he would deny it? Be rude in return? Refuse to meet with you?

Did you go over the principal's head to get the accommodations, or embarrass him/her in any way? Is the gifted or classroom teacher on your side?

I think it's completely unprofessional and horrible how you are being treated, but the bottom line is, you have made things better for your dd (assuming she isn't being treated poorly). Be proud of your advocacy and hang in there. With luck, the principal won't be there as long as your dd!

Theresa

The sad truth is that there are many school personnel who will personalize a conflict that really has nothing whatsoever to do with them.

I've been there, though I have no special insights to share with you on how to deal with it. We avoided the situation entirely when a new school opened and its boundaries included us.

Having been in that position, I can say that what really helped to turn things around was to write a note with an apologetic tone, indicating that you understand that you may have come on a little strong, but that your intention was to assist the school in getting to know your child and just how capable she is. Let them know that while your approach may have been the best, your focus was then and is now, your child's education. Let the principal know that you are wanting to have a positive relationship with the school moving forward....then be sure to "catch the teacher (or other professionals at school) doing good"! Once in a while send a quick positive note...or a little candy or something for the teacher. I got to know what my dd's teacher likes and so when I am out, I might pick something up. Not all the time...maybe once a month or so. It seems like the appreciation gets me at least a listening ear.

Unless the principal transfers to the same midschool, my best advice is that this, too, shall pass. The principal's behavior is very unprofessional.

If you think an airing-out would help things, then by all means ask the principal for a meeting. But make sure you don't "give ground" for the sake of peace. Unless you were out of line, said things you regret, or behaved inappropriately, this is not on you to fix, At the end of the day, dirty looks from the principal are a better burden to bear than not advocating for your child.

But just continue to be polite, professional and courteous. You're volunteering for the sake of your child, and making sure you're helpful to the teacher will prove positive for the relationship that matters the most to your child's daily environment.

There is a teacher that we did battle with when my daughter was in high school. He ended up getting reprimanded over the incident, and to this day he will turn around in an aisle at the grocery store rather than make eye contact. It is HIS problem, because he never accepted the fact that he was in the wrong and hasn't changed, I feel bad he can't move beyond it, but I don't feel bad that I advocated for my daughter when she needed an adult to step in.

The principal gets paid, in part, to "deal with parents" (we need to be dealth with LOL) and to maintain a professional demeanor. They set the tone for the whole school. Though I've never been shunned outright like that, there has been enough not-meeting-eye-to-eye over things to have tension. I volunteer also and enjoy those few hours per week and my DD expects to see me, so she does and I smile and carry on. Be as brave as your child is to go to school every day when it's not a good fit.

The last e-mail I ever got from the principal last year ended with "it will be a long time before we are on the same page" and when I see him I smile, say hello and think to myself "I never want to be on your page!"

I wouldn't make a big issue of it. I know it's uncomfortable, and it's totally inappropriate and unprofessional on the part of the principal. However, your goal is not to be the principal's friend. Don't be outwardly hostile to him - just smile and wave, and be the bigger person.
I had a similar issue with a teacher's aid at my son's school. She was never overly friendly, but at least seemed efficient and professional. After half a dozen meetings with the teacher and the aide, she eventually had nothing nice to say to me, and even went so far to point out every tiny deficit my son had. (She once spent ten minutes lecturing me after school because my son was caught reading a book under his desk during class - a problem, to be sure, but not serious enough to justify keeping me standing there talking about it when my kids were late for their music lesson). I always got the impression from her that she thought I didn't realize my son was not perfect, and felt the need to prove it to me.
It's possible that the principal doesn't see a need for differentiated education for your child, and sees your "interference" as simply getting in the way of the daily routine. I doubt you will change his mind about that - and honestly, it's not worth the effort to try.

We had a similar situation last year after going over an administrator's head for grade acceleration. A couple months after the cold shoulder stuff started, the staff member in question announced they were leaving at the end of the year. Everything got better from that point. Hope you have a similar experience...

When my son started kindergarten at age 5 I asked that he be allowed to read books at his level when he complained that he was told he couldn't choose the books that he wanted to read and could see on the library shelves. He had been reading Cam Jansen books at home and saw one he hadn't read at the school library. I had to ask the teacher to let him read these books. I could tell she didn't like it. I also asked the librarian if he could take accelerated reader quizzes, because he liked taking quizzes, but she said he would have to have permission from the teacher and none of the other kindergartners had ever been allowed to do this. Rather than cause trouble for anyone I let my son take quizzes on the books he read on bookadventure.com. He had plenty of time to do this at home since he was in half-day kindergarten.

When my son had to do letter of the week show & tell, I had him do a report to read to the class along with his show & tell item. For the letter E he just took his science encyclopedia and read a paragraph from it. The principal, a relative of mine, saw him do this. He told me they had never had a kid like him in their school and since it was a small town school they couldn't be expected to really provide an appropriate education and that we really needed to put him in private school or homeschool.

I volunteered at the school several days a week. I loved it. I felt like we were being kicked out of school because of my son's intelligence. I asked if he could at least play on the playground with kids at recess if we homeschooled but it wasn't allowed for insurance reasons or something even though I had been around the kids for an entire school year and they knew me.

I went through all kinds of emotions including stress and I complained in public about their school. I was not able to successfully repair my relationships. Not fitting in and being judged was to be my future.