Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Perfectionism and body image...

Yikes. DD9 (HG), has always been tiny. 10th %ile and below on weight and height her whole life. She's also a perfectionist and likes to have control. She's always been a picky eater, and funny about textures of foods.


DH and I are both trying to shed some pounds, for health reasons mainly (his high cholesterol, my high blood pressure). Anytime I'm referring to our diet, weight loss, exercising, etc., I try to be careful to reinforce that "Daddy and I are trying to be more healthy." I try really hard not to give my girls the message that they need to be skinny.

Lately DD9 has made a few comments that have me concerned. She's talked about her meat having "fat" on it, and referred to foods as too fattening, or not wanting to be fat... How do little girls get these messages so early?

Because of her perfectionism and control issues, I am a little bit concerned. She still eats, but at times we have to make her eat dinner, etc. This is not really new, since she has never been much of an eater. Nonetheless, her comments have me a little worried. Any suggestions?

That's a tough situation. You want to encourage healthy eating and behavior, but one of the things to avoid with a perfectionistic child is modeling perfectionism. I think you're taking a good tack by stressing that you want to be healthy. Perhaps you could model setting realistic goals, a realization that perfection may be unattainable, etc.: communicate that everyone's bodies are different, that you just want to reach a certain weight goal without making it your full-time hobby, that doing a few things can help you be a lot healthier, etc. Also, in this particular case I'd stress that being too thin can be AND LOOK very unhealthy, and that the trick is a good balance rather than restriction.

We have this problem too, but with our son. I think that he's got a good dose of parent fatness shame mixed in with his perfectionism. I threatened to force-feed him a suet cake one day if he didn't can it with the talk about his needing to avoid getting fat (he's also a bit underweight for his age). That behavior's luckily been on the wane lately (two cakes later... j/k), and he's also been eating more meat.

Here's a past thread on perfectionism. A lot of the techniques for academically-related perfectionism are tough to relate to your situation, unfortunately.

When my daughter was around the same age, she started expressing the same worries. My husband started taking her rock climbing, and being a part of that world changed her body image and helped her work through a lot of the control issues. It didn't change her perfectionism, but she was able to channel it into a sport where it meant she trained to compete on a national level until she started college. Climbing changed how she viewed her body; it became a tool she needed to take care of, so her eating was about health, not being a tiny waif. And she was proud of her muscles. And the kids on her team ate like horses because of the crazy amounts of calories they burned, so she learned to look at food as fuel so that she could climb longer and better. She avoided sugar, refused to drink carbonated beverages, but loaded up on healthy carbs and proteins - thanks to a coach to taught them about nutrition. And climbing let her be in control of her own success while it also forced her to allow some control to be in the hands of whomever was at the other end of the rope, so it really helped her with her control issues.

From my own experience, I would highly recommend a sport that doesn't focus on body image and that isn't totally a "team" sport like soccer or basketball. Swimming, running, etc. all allow for individual control over one's performance within the context of considering and working with teammates.

My 8yo is not tiny, in that she's 70th+ for height and ~30th for weight, but the two combined currently put her about 2nd percentile for BMI. Also a picky eater, in that she has a relatively limited range of foods she'll eat, but the individual items aren't typical picky-eater foods. Also a perfectionist who likes control. Also has heavy parents who talk about healthy eating and making our bodies healthy and strong, rather than dieting.

And I hear her say things like, "I'm getting so fat!" or "I don't want ice cream because it has too many calories." (Not that those comments generally keep her from having ice cream, thankfully.) I don't know where she gets it from, either.

Last night, she was bemoaning the fact that her teeth aren't white like you see on TV / in magazines. So I pulled out YouTube. We looked at the Fotoshop by Adobe spoof, Dove Evolution, a montage of "average person with normal makeup on left / same person with professional makeup / hair on the right," a homemade Photoshop demos where the starting picture and the ending picture weren't recognizable as the same person at all, a professional Photoshop demo where a really attractive model had pretty much everything changed - including hair and eye color, and a set of candid no-makeup celeb photos paired with the same celeb all glammed up (which DD pointed out appeared to have been Photoshopped, too).

My DD said she felt a lot better about how she looked at the end. Just watching how they faked everything up made a huge difference.

Great stuff, ABQMom and AlexsMom.

I have been reading this forum for years and this post made me come out of hiding. I have a DD who developed this problem at age 9 while trying to perfectly model a "healthy" lifestyle. She became dangerously underweight and it changed her personality and behavior. If you are seeing any of those red flags, please see a pediatrician right away. Early intervention is key.

Also, it is time to start sharing conversations about body changes that are normal and something that every girl goes through. Puberty takes alot of growth and calories, especially for those brainy, active high-achievers. Another thing to watch is the messages received at school and through the media about what is appropriate to eat. What is right for an average-sized/averagely active child is not okay for a thin and/or athletic child. Chocolate milk and ice cream are needed in my home. Kids this age still need around 30% of their calories from fats.

I'm ecstatic to share that my daughter fought and won this battle, grew 8 inches already and is thriving at her middle school. I am not trying to scare anyone, but just wanted to share that sometimes serious problems can develop.

Comment from a former HG+ anorexic perfectionist (not the only one on the board by a long shot, I'll be bound...): it may not be a popular view but I suspect there is no way you can talk about weight loss, food restriction, etc. without it being a danger to your intelligent perfectionist children. However you surround it with talk about wanting to be healthy, what you're drawing attention to is the fact that, because in earlier times you ate more than your bodies needed, now you need to eat less than you would like to, in order to get back to a good state. For an intelligent perfectionist child to decide to be very careful never to become overweight in the first place, and to do that by exercising careful control over what she eats, is unsurprising; and that level of concern about and control over food intake is in itself dangerous. (You can say "you just listen to your body, you're fine" but if you're simultaneously noticeably doing something different, this is a bit "don't think about a pink elephant".)

[And be careful about complacency: I remember, as a young child surrounded by dieting, eating what I was given and saying the right things, but deciding that, once I had enough autonomy over my eating, I would put clear blue water between me and being fat. In my teens I got the autonomy and did just that. When I was 5, my parents probably thought there was no problem, but there was. Being very good at delayed gratification has its drawbacks.]

My advice would be: imagine you're at a healthy weight and in a healthy lifestyle, and talk as you would talk if that were so. Don't mention weight. If you're eating less than you would then, fine, but do so without comment. Don't mention calories. And of course, exercise and encourage exercise, but don't connect this with weight.

Thanks for the great ideas...

I think we're really going to keep trying to push the "food is fuel to help you do ___" concept. It makes me sad to think that society pushes this on little girls so early

DD's intensity/perfectionism makes her that much more vulnerable.

I hadn't thought about it that way, Colinsmum...
We don't really talk about weight loss with the kids, but they really can't help but be aware of the changes we've made. I've tried really hard to emphasize that we're trying to "help Daddy's blood get better, etc." I suppose she could be connecting the dots with the health problems and resolving herself never to be in our situation. *sigh* Maybe in trying to send the right message, we've scared her??

At 9 or 10, before puberty, my daughter started worrying about weight. She had gained a few pounds but was not fat and I knew they would turn into curves in a year or two. When she became a cheerleader a few years later it got worse and I noticed that her friends were the same way.

I never worried about my weight until recently because I was always at a healthy weight according to weight charts, even now. I used to be at the low end of the range for weight and now I am at the middle. I started having trouble with my blood pressure and cholesterol and the doctor said it wouldn't hurt to try losing a few pounds to see if it made any difference. My husband is also trying to lose a few pounds but does not look overweight, so we talk about losing weight in front of our son, but typical boy he is hungry all the time. It does not stop him from eating.

My daughter is an adult now and still very concerned about her appearance, but I think it is not such a bad thing except she tells my son how important appearance is. She even said if the dentist doesn't recommend braces for his teeth he should get them anyway so his teeth will be perfect because girls like guys with nice teeth. She also gives him skin care products to use and teaches him how to use them and tells him he needs to shave his mustache and work out because girls like muscles too. Wearing the right clothes is important too and she helps him with that. She tells him his appearance will be very important later in life. The apartment complex where she lives is filled with only pretty, successful people. I am guessing they are probably perfectionistic about the way their bodies look. They sit out by the pool and show off their beautiful bodies. It is no wonder my son is willing to wear his brace even though it hurts and causes him to not be able to do much of anything.