Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy self determination at age 8

DD8 has a history of being stubborn and "defiant"...we are STILL trying to keep her in the school she's at, but maybe I am the one who's attitude is changing...

WHY does she "have to" do what everyone else is doing? Sure, we will test and see what her abilities are now, but is that because it's what she needs or because you don't want her to rock the boat?

Is it possible to let my child SAY that she wants to try a different school or possibly even homeschool and give her that and NOT have it being some kind of control/manipulation situation?

It's taken me a long time to even come to the point where I can contemplate that her "bad" behavior in the classroom is a cry for help on her part and I'm still not sure how much I should let an 8 year old determine the situation...

thank you

and I'm thinking I agree. for sure, all my other PARENT friends (of gifted and nd) are saying listen to the child. And I agree, why does every adult think they need to exert their "authority" over the child? Isn't it enough to KNOW you are bigger than them and have power over them?

I do feel like I am getting contradictory advice from the school...you labeled my child as "different" but you persist in treating her "the same", that's very confusing to me, right?

Right now, her input is that she wants to be in the straight 3rd grade, with her other friends and the "better" books, but the school is SUPER RESISTANT to that...I think choice number 2 is an online homeschool.

If a kid is BEGGING for a change, how can it be wrong to give it to them?

I think there is a difference between listening carefully to the child and giving them what they want because they want it. The listening is always pretty important; however, sometimes they really don't know what's best for them. Take your DD's input, talk with the school, but ultimately the decision should be yours, not DD's.

DeeDee

well, I definitely said those WORDS to her DeeDee, but whether she actually HEARD me, processed and absorbed them and will understand remains to be seen.

I do know that, for three years now, we have been struggling with the same issue too. Four different teachers so far and no one has been able to get through to her?

FWIW, my DD-then-6 lobbied for her grade skip. It was clear to everyone that she really wanted it, and that it would be a good choice for her. (And when she decided the day after taking the test that she didn't really want to skip, she was stuck skipping anyhow, because we could tell it just cold feet.)

OTOH, she has lobbied much longer for homeschooling, and it's clear to all the adults that me homeschooling her would result in tragedy! I let her take an online class this past summer, with me supporting her at home, and it was a fiasco. Now I point to that, and ask if she really wants to be homeschooled, and even she sees the issue there.

Sometimes (often) DD will ask for Thing A, because what she really wants is Thing B. For whatever reason, she thinks a request for Thing B will be denied, but that a request for Thing A will be granted. I don't know if she thinks that she'll get B at some later point after getting A, or if she'd rather get something than nothing, but figuring out the unspoken B is an important part of my interactions with her.

she has never come out and asked for anything different with words...and it's really only been since the start of this school year that I started talking to her about it at all. She's really closed off about school in general. She doesn't fake sick though or say she's bored or try to get out of going to school. And reading rates higher than recess...She wants to read and she wants art. That's as far as I've gotten from her, lol!

They have made some accomodations for her...the school psychologist pulled her out to talk about motivating her with rewards and asking what she thought she needed to perform better...we FINALLY got a seperate desk (I have been trying to get that for 3 years) and she is supposed to be allowed free reading is she finishes classwork early. I've been telling her THAT for 3 years too, but it hasn't seemed to sink in...we've been trying to find her "carrot" for 3 years now and are still nowhere. She said she would consider a "privacy board" but I knew that wasn't going to work and it's not, she doesn't want everyone to notice her, even though they do.

Tonight I suggested that she draw some pictures and write a story to let me know how she feels about school...we'll see what happens.

I also used to think this would be a good school if you had to accelerate, since we are K-12 and the kids are using to mingling in several age groups, but I think a few parents would, how do I put this...be vocal in their displeasure and disapproval. And I don't know how you would hide that from a kid like these...