Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Just turned 8, just turned teen.

Hi Pru,

I'm a gifted child that is now 24, and I personally experienced a lot of what you are describing in your child. If it interests you I can reply to this thread with some experiences.

Generally speaking, I think what she's experiencing is very normal. I completely remember this phase of my life. I'm an only child and so I was lucky that often times I would interact with my parents friends (40 yrs+) routinely, and felt very comfortable.

I suppose there are some warnings but I'll elaborate if you're interested, just let me know.

As the mom of a daughter I am also very concerned about the messages to girls out there in the popular culture, and I think some gifted girls may be particularly susceptible to some influences that as a parent I personally would choose to discourage. I think the book So Sexy, So Soon (also a website) and Rosalind Wiseman's stuff on girls is very applicable here too. Of course the desire to fit in is understandable...but without appropriate guidance I think we can end up in situations like the one (yes I know it is fiction) in Imperfect Birds. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=125631900

I love Rosalind Wiseman's stuff, I think she's excellent.

I did just want to make a comment about wanting to look different - I never grew out of that. For me it has never regularly been about making a statement (sometimes, but I think that would be the same for most of us). I just never got in to the whole thing about everyone having to have the same stuff, look the same etc - especially because it didn't always look good on me. Having my own sense of style meant I could opt out of a lot of the competitive stuff girls have with clothes.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not out there and people have called me 'stylish' in the past (I think as a compliment - LOL!), but I've always just dressed as me. There is no trend I fit in to, but I take what I like from lots of them. DD is very good at putting combinations of clothes together, often in ways that are quirky but that look great. I would draw the line at sexy stuff (though we've limited her exposure to anything remotely sexy and so she has no concept of it and her school is quite conservative in that way too), but otherwise I'm pretty open to whatever dd would like to do.

DH was a goth as a teenager. He's ended up ok (so was my gifted best friend in high school too) I can imagine the goth subculture appealing to gifted kids, given it's focus on misfits and it's associations with emotional sensitivity and intensity (and the aesthetics of it can actually be quite stunning). It's got some good literary credentials as well - Byron, Poe, Wilde and Dickens among the authors who influenced/were influenced by gothic culture. I can see how it could become an issue if you were religious or a child got involved in some of the more extreme aspects of the subculture, but the latter could be said for most things. You could do worse

I have just been thinking a lot about these issues of gifted girls fitting in lately--there was an article in the NYT about Greek life on college campuses. My experience in a sorority was generally positive, but I still don't think it is something I would encourage for my dds. I think one of the reasons it was so attractive to me was because I was not secure in my identity--if I had been familiar with giftedness and how it made me who I am(that it was more than an IQ score) it would have made a difference.

Of course this is a universal issue and our kids need to experiment to find their identities. I just don't think the popular culture has the answers, and again the book Hold On To Your Kids has made me much more aware of the importance of parents rather than peers.

I am cross-posting this because I thought it was relevant--I realize this may be more applicable for kids a little older, but thought it was worth reading in this context.

http://www.sengifted.org/articles_counseling/DabrowskisTheory.pdf

PRU! That is the funniest thing. My DD HAS in fact matched her book to her outfit.!!lol..made me laugh so hard.

I think it is partly a girl thing and with whom they hang out. DD8 already seems teenager-like while her twin brother is far more child-like. I am not sure that the academic environment will make any difference. DD8 and DS8 are in a tracked class (around top 20%), which works one grade above although DS8 goes up an additional grade for math. In our case, it is partly the popular culture (tv., computer, older school mates).

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Wish this site had a like button. I really agree lmp. We don't have the clothing brands you mentioned here, so I have no idea what they're like but can imagine based what similarly aged kids want to wear here. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, I'm not big on sexy for young girls, but beyond that dd can do what she likes. Her favourite nail polish combo is alternate black and bright pink, she is looking forward to one day having blue hair (she loves here hair as it is for now) and likes to push the boundaries of her school's uniform policy by taking them at their word on anything that says that something is only 'preferred' rather than mandatory (so she often wears bright purple runners, badges all over her hat and has a surf bag rather than the standard school bag). She's confident enough to carry it off as cool even though she looks different to other kids (and really, real cool is all about being confident - it has little to do with brands and fashion).

For her it's important to look like 'herself'. She has no concept of brands, but knows the kinds of colours and shapes she likes. Like lmp I too see the value in feeling confident enough to be yourself and own your nerdiness as part of that and so I encourage her to do whatever feels right for her. Sometimes she just wants to fit in, other times she just wants to express herself. Dd is still only little, but she has a strong sense of self. As long as she's not hurting herself or anyone else, I let her be and help her out where I can. I hope that as she develops this sense of self will help her stand up to peer pressure and advocate for herself as she'll be younger than her peers. Obviously that remains to be seen!

I agree with this, esp. the parts I bolded. I absolutely think it is wonderful for a child to be confident and secure enough to find her own style. That is my concern. I think parents of girls particularly must be aware of the massive amount of marketing what is "cool" to "tween" girls. I think it is probably difficult for a girl trying to find her identity when surrounded by the consumerist culture and all of the images aimed at making her think that appearance/brands/etc. are the most important thing. I think it is important that we make our daughters aware of what marketing is and the messages being sent.

Books like So Sexy, So Soon, Packaging Girlhood, No Logo, this article titled Stealing Childhood Stealing Childhood all address these issues.

From Media Awareness network http://www.media-awareness.ca/english/parents/marketing/issues_teens_marketing.cfm

"Corporations capitalize on the age-old insecurities and self-doubts of teens by making them believe that to be truly cool, you need their product.
As they make the transition from childhood to the teenage years, tweens (ages 8-12) are continually bombarded with limiting media stereotypes on what it is to be a girl or a boy in today�s world. This �packaged childhood� is sold to them through ads and products; and across all media, from television, music, movies and magazines to video games and the Internet.

Young girls in particular are targeted by marketers, and the focus of these ads � beauty, sexuality, relationships, and consumerism � is worrisome for parents. According to Sharon Lamb and Lyn Mikel Brown, authors of Packaging Girlhood, images of girls as �sexy, diva, boy-crazy shoppers� can be quite harmful to their self development. At an age when girls �could be developing skills, talents, and interests that will serve them well their whole life, they are being enticed into a dream of specialness through pop stardom and sexual objectivity.�