Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Emotional Overexcitability or Bad Parenting

I would like some insights to see if DS2 is just being a brat (i.e. I am a bad parent) or does he have OE.

Ever since DS2 was an infant, he has a hard time adjusting to changes. Once he is attaching to a person/objection/place, he is reluctant to change. He cried for over a month when he started daycare, and now he is crying every morning because we took him out of daycare to stay home with me.

He is very sensitive to pain (among other things). He would hold his breath until his lips turn blue over minor falls.

He is also very reserved to new situations and people, which might be a personality thing.

The most troubling for me is that he would have temper tandems over little things, which I understand is quite common for his age. He would sometime cry over half an hour hysterically. We have tried to talk calmly to him, ignore him, distract him, timeouts, yell at him, etc. Nothing works. In fact, ignoring him usually makes it worse. He turns all blue every time we ignore him during a tandem.

So are we just bad parents, is this just a phase, or does he have OE? If he does have OE, what�s the best way to deal with the situation?

P.S. Forgot to mention he is also very sensitive to other people�s feelings. When he corrects others� mistakes, he always apologizes, which I have no ideas where he learnt it from.

What are your reactions? Not to be glib, but children often feed off the reactions of their caregivers. What are you sensitive to? How do you respond? (or how would you respond if you were not an adult that knows better?)Looking at your own reactions may offer some insight into your child.

He is two years old or is he your second DS?

If he is two, a lot of this behaviour could be simply because he IS two!! I think it is pretty common for toddlers to thrive on routine and be easily thrown off by changes to their schedules.

My DS2 is also very sensitive (and we are bad parents because he is nicknamed "Princess", LOL!) and when he has a tantrum or gets upset, we end up having to console him. For example, the other night he refused to eat dinner and was behaving rudely at the table. His father removed him from the table and calmly told him he could return when he could behave. The resulting tantrum/crying session lasted well past dinner and required me physically holding/hugging him to talk him down. It did not even matter that it was his own behaviour that started it... we hurt his feelings, bottom line, and he was devastated that his father wanted him to leave the table. At the end of the day, he is just two years old. Smart as he is, he lacks rationality whenever things do not go his way!

http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

This site might be helpful--the highly sensitive child.

Thanks for the advices.

I do realize some of DS2�s behaviors are common for a 2yo. However, I feel like some of his behaviors are also exacerbated by his emotional sensitivity.

As for me, I have OE in multiple areas (and so do my parents), which might explain where DS� sensitivity comes from.

For us (ours is only 19 months and not very verbal so take with a grain of salt), we let the temper tantrum part last about 20-30 seconds. Not ignoring, but not reacting. Then I pick him up and speak calmly to him and comfort him as much as possible.

He had the negative experience to teach him that what he did was wrong, but I don't really want to let it go further than that. It usually takes about 5-10 minutes to calm him down after I pick him up. He can't be distracted from a thought once he's had it though, so it's more about him coming to grips with the fact that he can't do what he wants and he needs to express that disappointment.

Hopefully this will give him the skills to deal with disappointment later. Fingers crossed.

My PG-DYS DS10 was like that at 2. It was very hard. I didn't know why it was different for me than all the other parents I knew with kids that age. I wish I knew about all of this back then! From age 16 months on it was hard! (although he was intense from day 1) That was the age the tantrums started! Identifying his giftedness very early on really helped me see it wasn't my parenting, this kid really was different and had different needs. I learned that he needed things done differently, I told people he wasn't good with transitions. I had to really work at prepping him for each change that would come through the day. We had many battles.

It's still hard. He is incredibly sensitive and emotional at 10. We are going to a party this weekend and I am already trying to plot out exit strategies and prepping him for "when it's time to go it's time to go" because he still has trouble with transitions and still has OE issues.

My MG DD8 is totally different, doesn't have the OE issues (sensory processing and motor incoordination for her)

I don't think it's likely that you are a bad parent. I do think it's likely that your son has similar OEs to you. So what should you do?

I believe that this situation is an invitation to become a 'SuperParent!'

What is in my super-parent kit?
1) a supportive community: Post here and look locally for groups of families who have BTDT and survived to tell the tail.
2) meditation - with a child who is super sensitive, it's very very useful to have a 'portable virtual spa' so that you can be truely truely calm and grateful for every bit of blue skin and every tantrum. If you can be relaxed while dear little one is losing it, then the tantrums will be shorter and eventually less intense. Yes, you will have to practice in the AM or PM every day so that in about a year you will be one breath away from 'sending calming compassion'

a favorite resourse for mediation is -
https://sites.google.com/site/giftedmeditation/

3) Finding a disipline plan you and all the involved adults can live with: I think 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' by Lisa Bravo is a great choice for OE/Gifted families.

4) You might want help from a Pediatric Occupational Therapist. They have techniques to help kids become more flexible. They use the diagnosis 'Sensory Intergration Disorder' but some kids with OEs will be tremendously helped.

5) During a nap, watch the movie 'The Switch' which features a very precosious and very bratty 6 year old. Laugh and cry your butt off.

Hope that helps!
Grinity

Hi there- I don't think you are a bad parent- or you wouldn't be looking to help with this issue! FWIW, I have a very lively, spirited 3yo, and I have been re-reading Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's book, "Raising Your Spirited Child" and the matching workbook.

I find that the 5 traits of 'spiritedness' for kids match in a lot of ways OEs + giftedness... intense, perceptive, persistence, sensitivity, and energetic- a very useful and affirming read for me with practical advice/ideas to cope:
here is a link: http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060923288
I bought my copies used from Alibris.com for very little $
You may find it useful. I felt a lot less alone after reading this book...

As a licensed marriage and family therapist - I would recommend you read both Love & Logic parenting books and 1-2-3 Magic.

I agree, sometimes kids behave that way because there is a payoff - even if it's negative... could be power struggle stuff that you handle with inconsistent messages.

Cleaning up any parenting stuff will better indicate if what remains is developmental or needs further assessment.