Regarding schools: private schools are allowed to discriminate. And they are right in thinking that they are probably not equipped for the challenge of educating your child-- their teachers are usually less qualified and less experienced, they do not usually have special ed teachers on staff, nor do they normally provide the ancillary services a kid on the spectrum typically needs.
Not that it's nice for you to have no options, but you can see that many private schools are not going to be a better fit than even a modest public school-- the parents who are paying a lot to educate their kids don't want kids like yours (and mine) in there, and those parents would complain and get your kid kicked out, so it's better to just not start with that. There are private schools that help kids with AS flower, but they are the exception rather than the rule.
I agree with you about gifted programs; they tend to be very exclusive and want children with a perfect behavior record. We have found this too.
I don't have a child with ASD so I can't offer any advice as far as that goes. I do have to disagree with the above though. My child was in a private school that also housed an LD academy that offered great differentiation and accomodations. The teachers in the LD academy were specially trained in alternative teaching methods. All of the children were on individualized plans so noone was held back due to non-academic concerns.
My son was also in a fulltime gifted program in a public school. There were several children in the class on the autism spectrum. IQ scores of at least 130 guaranteed admission. Their social difficulties did not exclude them.
None of these options may be available in the OP's area, but they do exist.
That's the point. Your LD school was a specialty school, set up to serve kids with special needs. Those schools don't discriminate against LD kids, because that's who they are set up to teach. We're talking about your run of the mill private or "prep" school, like, say (just to pick a famous one), Phillips Exeter Academy.
Public schools, of course, cannot discriminate, which is why, as you point out, the G/T programs in public schools accept a kid who tests into the program. Note, however, that without appropriate supports (like a paraprofessional), an ASD child may not be able to participate in the G/T class, and many drop out of it, even though he has the test scores and academic ability to be a part of the class. There is actually a whole book about this called Gifted Children with Autism Spectrum Disorder. The book essentially says, "Many gifted kids with ASD will not be able to participate in gifted programs." So even though the public school can't outright discriminate, they can (and do) leave a lot of ASD kids without the supports needed to be successful in certain "extras" like G/T. Most G/T teachers have absolutely no training in special ed or autism. So they get these kids in their classes and don't know what to do with them. It's a shame, really. These really, really bright kids are falling by the wayside because many teachers are not willing to get to know them and understand what makes them tick. A good teacher teaches all kids, not just the easy ones. You'd think G/T teachers would be used to kids who are different! In our experience, no. They are used to teaching kids who are very near "perfect," in grades, behavior, and even physical appearance.
My DS is in the G/T program in his school. It's just not a very good program, and it's just a pull-out a couple times a week that focusses on the same things they focus on in the general ed class, i.e., it's "enrichment" rather than different or accelerated subjects. Better than nothing, but pretty boring.
