Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion "threatening" comments toward teacher and others

Last week when I was dropping off DS5 (preK) his teacher pulled me aside and asked if I'd ever heard him make threatening comments toward people. Apparently she had moved him to another seat to separate him from one of his partners in mischief (another issue) and then she heard him say that he was going to "break into Mrs. P's house and cut her in half". Sigh.

I told her that, yes, I've heard him say things like that before and it's usually when he's very frustrated and feels powerless and that I don't think he means it in a realistic way at all. He has a very rich imaginary world that mingles with his real world, and in addition, he plays things like shooting monsters and "bad guys" with the other 5 yo boys. I think it's the same sort of "age appropriate" pretend violence with a little bit of PG knowledge thrown in. I truly don't think he means it in a really graphic, real life and death way. Although the breaking into the house part is a little creepy, I'll admit.

She was fairly nice about it, but basically implied that she thinks he has psychological issues. She told me that she's never heard another preschooler say something like that in her 20 years of teaching. (I bit my tongue and didn't point out that she's probably never taught another child like him in 20 years because she doesn't totally "get" it, which is another ongoing issue!)

So, what do you all think? Have your kids done things like this? Is it "normal" or should I get him to the shrink ASAP? My probing of DS to find out why he says things like that confirms that he's mad and I've already been working with him about how to channel his frustrations and anger (e.g. you don't need to scream and cry when the seatbelt is twisted and won't buckle), but we have a long way to go.

I have definitely been there and done that. DS8 has pretty much said it all to teachers and other adults over the past 4-5 years. We have even had the drawings of burning school buildings with the verbal threats. DS8 did end up doing therapy for over a year for his depression and anxiety. At one point the therapist told us that we should hide all the knives in the house (just in case) since DS8 was making some very basic suicide threats.

I definitely think therapy helped and would recommend it for these types of behaviors. Without help I imagine it could get worse. DS8 learned a lot of coping techniques and did a lot of guided role play with his therapist. He still gets upset but with age and maturity he does seem to handle it better then when he was a preschooler. At 8 years old the frustrations (such as the twisted seat belt) still exist but his outbursts and reactions are not as severe.

When my DS was in preschool, he had all kinds of ideas for what he wanted to do to the church that housed the preschool! He wouldn't voice these horrible ideas to his teacher, but saved them for family. When the normal, "It's not nice to say such things" didn't work, we explained about why people cannot say things like that about schools/churches/etc. because there have been some scary real-life situations that make people fearful. I also mentioned a few things about how there are laws against threats like that. Of course, it sounds ridiculous to have to talk to a preschooler about these things, but it was the only way to get him to understand. And for the most part, his ideas came from video games...

Like st pauli girl, we mentioned the real life consequences of perceived threats. And I felt like a bad mom when I saw the look of terror pass across his face, but it worked!

Our son is 8 now, but at age 5 he said things similar to what you are describing. We DID rush him into a psychologist who assured us that he wasn't becoming a sociopath, but needed better ways to express his anger and frustration.

It has been a continual process. For example, he called his teacher a "mutt" the other day. (Not nearly in the same category as cutting her in half, but it warranted a comment from the teacher to us.)

I am always happy when he just says what he is feeling instead of what he is imagining, but even that doesn't go over well with the school. I was told recently that he was stating he was angry. My reaction was, okaaayyy so? I had to explain to them that verbal expressions of emotion are JUST FINE!!!

My girls haven't said comments like that but I have had a chat to them about the law, the police, real life consequences etc etc. Can I recommend, if you are going down that path, that you make sure you spend a lot of time on the explanation as one of my 6 yr old asked me the other day "how did you feel when you were in jail mommy?" .... I was gobsmacked and just said "I've never been to jail, what made you ask that?" and she explained that some time ago I had discussed concepts like law, judges, jail, police etc and as she now knows I got a speeding fine from the police a few years ago she wants to know what jail was like?"....... fair assumption from my explanation of things but I was rather glad this thought of hers came out at home and not at school (in fact my first question to her was "you haven;t written about this at school have you?"--> she is an avid writer and I'm getting a little "over" the things she writes about us at school (luckily to date it has just been about how dirty the shower is etc)

A neighbor (gt) boy actually was pretty severely penalized at school for a similar comment about a teacher (boy was age 10-ish). In the world of 'zero tolerance' this sort of comment from an older boy just kidding around/venting could have serious repercussions, so just fyi / be warned.
I have heard ds10 say something that was kind of borderline, too, so I quickly reminded him of his friend and the very serious circumstances that could occur. I made it clear to him that I do not agree with how this boy was punished, completely out of proportion to the actual offense, but that you simply want to avoid completely this sort of trouble.

Oh yes, we have lots of those here! DS8 (with Asperger's) has no filter whatsoever to tell him that you shouldn't say every little thing that pops into your head, and he also has a lot of inflated ideas of violence from cartoons and video games. It's quite a battle at times! He does go to a shrink, as well as the counselors at school, but a solution he comes up with there does not necessarily translate to the next time something sets him off. He has received a couple of "bully slips" for things he's said, which seems a bit overdone considering that he is close to being the smallest kid in his class (and is the youngest), and is also a skinny little thing who gets picked on himself because his buttons are easy to push.

So yes, to me it's "normal", but that doesn't mean I have any solutions for you!

Thanks for the suggestions. We talked with him about what it means to threaten someone and why that's not okay, how it makes that person feel and what some of the consequences are. The mention of police created wide eyes, so maybe we're on to something. We'll see how it goes and take it from there.

This just reminded me of something I had completely forgotten. When DS was around 3 he was obsessedwith knives. He never mentioned doing anything with them but would ask me to take down the knife block so he could see them better. He did this in other people's homes also. It really creeped me out. Eventually it faded and nothing ever came of it.

Aside from that shudder inducing memory - I think it is better to verbalize frustration than to physically act on it and children these days are much more savvy about violent acts these days between the news/movies/songs etc. I think the more a child can express anger the quicker it will be "over". Of course, there needs to be the caveat of "Tell Mom and Dad those things and not the teacher."

Maybe help him think of 3 other things he can say to himself/others when he is angry so he has a quick alternate that allows him to vent in the moment with less repercussions.