MON: my ds9 is very much like your son. We struggle with similar issues and then some in terms of resistance, grumpiness, sarcasm, and general crappy moods! We've decided he's an angst ridden teen in a 9 y/o body!
I definitely don't have all the answers and have appreciated the responses from others. Would like to see more input if anyone has some.
For our son, I'm finding that it works better to say and do less - much less! To leave him alone and let him come back down from the tantrum THEN use a very non-intrusive, non-blaming, non-confrontational approach to discuss the situation. Sometimes I have to wait until bedtime and then we can talk about what went wrong that day. But even when it is quiet and he is calm he still can't take much in about a situation that went bad. So I'm learning to keep my comments to a minimum, get to the point and get out, so to speak.
Using your example of the trash going out, I find that at times like that it helps to start with expressing appreciation for his effort and doing the job (because he will typically avoid the job all together!) and then approach the mess in a very non-accusatory way so he doesn't feel blamed. I know it seems like walking on eggshells, but I find that his response is sometimes to take responsibility on his own at that point. For example, if I say something like "oh, I see that the garbage bag tore on that rough spot in the driveway." He might come back with "well, I should have lifted it higher, I guess." The whole thing seems to revolve around him not being able to handle feeling accused or persecuted. His dad relates to this feeling quite well :p! Might be a genetic link
I think that PTP hit the nail on the head for my son - lots of negative thinking. MrWiggly showed a lot of perfectionistic tendencies when he was younger. They are not so obvious now. But he seems to have internalized them (again, much like his dad) and gets very angry with himself when he doesn't do things the way he thinks he should have. I think he is also, like his dad, avoiding challenging activities because he can't handle the perceived failure. MrWiggly has always been self conscious, way beyond his years. At the age of 4 he got angry at me when I laughed at something he said that was cute and precocious. He went into a full blown tantrum yelling that I was laughing AT him.
MrWiggly struggled with anxiety that was much more obvious a few years ago. These days he seems less anxious and denies feeling anxious but I wonder if the anxiety doesn't continue to lurk below the surface and contribute to so many of his behaviors.
Again, I would love to see what others have to say about behaviors like this.
