Originally Posted by EastnWest
Hi -
I see (at least) two separate issues going on here.

#1 - how to have boundaries/limits in school and at home that your ds can follow
#2 - are all of your son's needs being met?*

Regarding #1 - maybe that school is a poor enough fit with your son that he will never comply...

Here is some food for thought regarding #2. I know everyone has different parenting philosophies and styles so I don't mean to push AP. Reading your posts made me think of these articles:

Why Do Children "Misbehave"? by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

1. The child is attempting to fill a legitimate need.
2. The child lacks information (or is too young to understand or remember rules).
3. The child is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma.

Also:
http://www.naturalchild.com/jan_hunt/attachment_parenting.html
http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/reviews/parenting_books/setting_limits.html


*and please keep in mind that if "all" his needs are not being met for the moment, it is not your fault. Sometimes the underlying needs are buried deep. (And then of course, sometimes some needs conflict with others...) From your posts it sounds like you are in a vulnerable place right now.(feel free to correct me if you are not) It is no fun when your "baby" is hurting and it is hard to figure out why! Especially when the child you have at home is behaving so differetnly than the one at school. (re-read Kriston's post and the posts on the HS vs. PS thread) Take a deep breath and know that you are doing a great job figuring out what his "other needs" are and how to meet them.

Wow! You just listed some of the top areas I visited the first year we got custody of GS9. He was 5.5, in K, and a total mess! And as his trauma healed, he blossomed in school. His GTness ended up causing some of the same symptoms as his trauma, but as his needs have been met, he's doing really well. Whether the links will help the OP any or not, most everyone can probably pick up one or two things from them.
I'd also like to comment about the 3 items:

Why Do Children "Misbehave"? by Aletha Solter, Ph.D.
Quote
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm

1. The child is attempting to fill a legitimate need.
2. The child lacks information (or is too young to understand or remember rules).
3. The child is suffering from stress or unhealed trauma.

Sometimes the stress or trauma can be caused by an ill-fit at school, especially with a child too young to have developed the skills to cope with a stressful situation.