eco,
Our ds hasn't been through exactly this same situation, but he does go through what look like regressions from time to time, particularly with EF skills seeming to disappear and anxiety ramping up. One thing that helped me a lot when regression happened or anxiety ramped up was to step back and take a look at the overall picture over time, because gains had been made, just not on a perfectly linear curve. Kinda like 5 steps forward, and then one step back, stop, revamp support as needed, then start moving forward again.
There are certain times that also are clearly more stressful than others for some kids. End of the school year, when big projects are assigned, big tests are looming, teachers are talking about having work completed etc - that's a stressful time of year for many students, not just 2e students. So while it's frustrating and seems like a lot of progress may be lost, it's helpful to realize - what your ds is experiencing is, on the one hand, *very* typical (the stress), and he's reacting in the way that he's capable of reacting at this point in his life.
I'll second everything spaghetti said about providing support and scaffolding. That's what we had to do here, and while it's extremely challenging at times, and can feel like extreme helicoptering, what it *really* is, is you teaching/showing your ds how to function. If your child was struggling to learn to read, you wouldn't let them just go it on their own, sink or swim, you'd help them develop the skills they needed to be successful. Same goes for kids who have communication challenges, EF challenges, anxiety. (note to eco - I know you already know this, I'm more throwing this out there for people who are reading this and not parenting a 2e kid
). Scaffolding works. Support works. It may take several more years before it all sinks in, but gradually, as time goes by, when you have a moment to step back and look at where he's been and where's he at "now" (whatever now you're looking from
)... you'll see progress.
FWIW, my 2e ds made a lot of progress with EF while in middle school (with a ton of scaffolding and support from me, gradually withdrawing it as he developed the skills). High school (change) challenged that progress - he needed extra support during his first year, but, again, he made progress and was doing much better by the time his second year started. He maintained that progress for most of the year, but he's had challenges with it again as the second semester comes near to a close. One thing that helps me is to realize that as frustrating or as worrying as it might be to *me*, it feels much more stressful to ds.
Another thing to throw out there - both of my 2e kids are anxious kids. There response to stressful situations almost always is anxiety and worry. In with all the scaffolding and support for specific skills, it's been important for us to throw into the mix work on coping skills, how to deal with anxiety, as well as how to recognize it. It's helped my ds quite a bit as time has gone by for us to look at the situation he's in when anxiety comes crashing in - and over time we've found patterns to the triggers.. which in turn has helped relieve ds a bit when the anxiety does hit - because he can recognize the trigger is present, rather than just feeling completely lost and helpless in the midst of it.
One other important thing is to talk to your ds and try to get to the bottom of when did his anxiety and worry start - it's easy to see the big picture of issues with grades, end of school year etc - because all of that seems obvious in terms of being a potential huge cause of stress - but it's also possible that some isolated event or some small something is going on at school that started the slide into anxiety - and it's possible that even your ds doesn't realize what it was, yet it could be very real, and figuring that out might help relieve a lot of your ds' worry, as well as give you something tangible to deal with to alleviate some of his stress. For instance, talk through with your ds to try to remember when this all started happening. Was something said at school by a teacher? Was there anything going on with another student?
I wouldn't take the phone away at this point--mostly he doesn't communicate with me (or anyone) at all. I think a more typical kid might seek help from a different source if he couldn't text me, but not mine. He just sits quietly and implodes. His inability to express himself usefully is a big part of his 2E-ness.
Although the exact communication challenges may be different, this is essentially true for our 2e ds also. While I totally understand the suggestion upthread re taking the phone away - that's something that might work for a nt student, but for students that have communication challenges, cell phones can actually be an amazingly important AT device. When our ds was first able to text, it enabled him to communicate his needs more directly than he'd ever been able to previously. Because communication is difficult for him, there are also layers of where and how he's able to get his thoughts out - and he's much more able to communicate to me than he is to teachers - because he's had much more practice and scaffolding from me, and because I've invested a lot of years in attempting to open up his lines of communication, so I understand better than his typical teacher how to talk to him in a way that enables communication *from* him. There are times at school when my ds' anxiety really ramps up, and simply having that phone and being able to text to me that something is going on is a tool for him to cope with the anxiety, and to get help with strategies on how to cope. So no, don't take away the phone. Use it
I think the program moves too fast for him.
It's possible that this might not be the best-fit program for him, but that's something to think through *after* the year is over - first you need to get him through the remaining few weeks of school. From what you've said in general, though, it sounds like it's not a situation where the program is just too much, but rather he's in a one-time situation where the workload is too much for what he can cope with due to his present level of anxiety. That's something that you can work through, deal with, and he can learn from. Even if he was to switch programs, he might find himself in this same situation again - not the same situation re same classwork/teacher/etc, but same situation in terms of having things going fairly well for awhile and then having stress come at him from several different directions at once.
I am not so much worried about his grades, but about him learning a bad coping skill, if I just give up, and allow him to at this point. For some reason, he's not computing that even if he fails a class, it's better not to fail ALL of them and forfeit all of his hard work.
I wouldn't exactly worry about this either - it's an important lesson, but he's also still very young (in the grand scheme of things). If he did fail several classes, he's still only in middle school and I don't think (?) he's taking classes that would appear on a high school transcript. Explain to him that it's better to not throw everything to the wind just because there's a challenge with one particular class (if that's what's up), show him directly different ways to deal with the situation that make sense to you, but don't over-worry if he doesn't come out of it with a life-long lesson. It's 3-4 weeks of school. He's made a ton of progress from where he was at just last year, he'll make more progress in the future. This is a tough time. It might not work out great - but trust that whatever happens, it will be ok.
you are right that he needs the attention and support. He is not needy at all generally, emotionally, so there is a positive angle that he is connecting with me (even though it is difficult).
Hang onto that - he *is* doing well - he's just facing a big bump in the road at the moment. You'll both get over that bump together
Best wishes,
polarbear
