DW has been burning through books on this topic, and has never had one she'd strongly recommend until this one: Smart Parenting for Smart Kids

DW is still working through it, but she had me read a few sections that seemed apt for our DD10. One of them talked about how parents should NOT be teaching their kids, or even so much as looking over their homework, when they're that age, because getting criticism from a teacher or coach is very different from getting it from a parent. From a parent, they interpret any negative feedback as, "You're not good enough, I don't love you," regardless of how kindly it's delivered, and how much positive feedback precedes it. From anyone else, it doesn't come across like that, because they're not so invested in getting approval from teachers as they are from their parents.

It all sounded a little extreme to me, but there definitely seems to be something to it in our DD's case.

So, yesterday DD and I were coming home from her gymnastics class, and she said she wished I could do some of it with her, and I replied, "Actually, I was thinking maybe one reason you stuck with gymnastics is because your mom and I have nothing to offer on it." I went on to give a short summary of the book's point as above, and described how it was when I'd help her with math, or DW and I would practice soccer with her, and she'd have meltdowns.

DD10 fully agreed with the book on every point. She said that was exactly how it felt to her when we tried to teach her.

So then I explained how hard it is as a parent who loves teaching to refrain, especially to the best kind of student one could ask for, and DD10 did assure me that I do teach her stuff. In giving examples, it became obvious that the times I'm an effective teacher for her are when we're just "chatting" about a variety of topics... science, history, philosophy, human nature, etc.

Good talk. Good book.