Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional please stop performing and talk with me

My DD6.5 is having a good year in school. She is not getting into trouble, has friends, her teacher is providing challening work, etc. We have seen huge strides in emotional self control and impulse control, but there is still one issue that is so hard on me. According to teachers and psychologists and even an OT, there is nothing 2E going on here, but I thought the 2E section might be able to help.

(here is a mini background: we went through testing at one point because my DD appeared ADHD, at that time, the results showed giftedness, with some ADHD traits, and nothing on the autism spectrum. My DD also had OT for sensory seeking. She is outgoing, has a good sense of humor, and is very creative).

Here is the heartbreaking issue for me. Many times, it feels as though my DD6.5 is peforming for me, not relating with me. She is always singing, too, and even has a good voice, but it is too much. I am getting her involved in singing / acting and hope that will channel that energy, and can appreciate it in doses, but at night when I am tucking her in bed and want things to be sweet and softer and to have some back and forth, I just can't get it the way I do with her four year old sister. Her voice and body are still so amped and intense even after I ask her to slow or quiet down. She barely acknowledges what I say and then launches into her monologues at a rapid clip. My husband said once last week he felt he had a back and forth conversation with her and it was his only time in six years.

Her teacher said that she doesn't see any sign of ADHD at school, in fact, she was one of the few kids singled out for a reward for behaving well in class. She actually said she is more mature than most in her social interactions at school.

She has friends and takes their needs into consideration and has a well developed theory of mind. She notices other's tone of voice, and will use white lies to protect feelings, tries to cheer up and distract friends when they are distressed, etc. Her teacher says she is popular.

Is it just that parents are in some ways invisible to some children? I had a medical procedure recently and my four year old DD was in tears talking about how she was worried about me and is just so empathetic and caring, and I rarely feel that sort of emotional connection with my six year old. On the upside, her feelings aren't hurt as easily as her friend's and she seems happy a majority of the time. Someone can be mean to her at school and it rolls off her back. I could get mad as can be at her, and she barely seems to be affected. This can be a downside too, because it is harder to get through to her in terms of discipline.

Oh, it seems that she can be told a thousand times to close the patio door, not to do this or that, and it just doesn't stick, yet learns concepts and facts so quickly. She just seems like a more complicated child than her younger sibling.

Has anyone encountered a child like this and how did it change over time? I don't know how to break through and feel that we are having a back and forth connection in the way I experience effortlessly with my younger child. Maybe my four year old is unusual in her sensitivity and empathy. I'm not sure if I am doing a good job of conveying this dynamic. My 6 year old is very attached and bonded to me, and often expresses love and joy in being near me, but there are many times when I want the one girl show to stop and to have a real moment of back and forth, and to experience her in a mode less than 10 on a 1 to 10 scale of intensity.

(as for giftedness, my four year old is clearly advanced, but doesn't have as many spikes of advanced ability that really are out of the ordinary, and the sensory social challenges she had as a preschooler)