Welcome Ms. TJ! (((hugs)))
First I want to congradulate you on your daughters educational situation - I'm drooling - there's no money in the world that can buy a flexable situation like she has - Go Ms. TJ! Go Ms. TJ! Enjoy it, and don't take it personally if it suddenly stops working for dd, because, from what I hear, even the best set ups can be outgrown in 4-6 months time.
Now, on to you. I have been there/done that with being critisized for "pushing the kids" by people who just "don't get it" and maybe never will. What helps me is spending time at a girlfriend's house as seeing how she sits with and supports/bribes/cajoles and pushs her bright son for an hour a night, 4 nights a week to do his homework! My son is in the same classroom, and spends 2.5 minutes, maximum. Once he had 7 minutes to do, and had a full tanturm about it being more than he could possibly do. ((This is why I worry about underachievement.)) Google the term "Flow" or read:The Optimistic Child by Martin Seligman. Then make friends with other parents of gifted kids who can support you. (You just might meet parents who do push their kids, then you'll KNOW that that isn't you - LOL!)
Some of life's problems can be fixed by changing one's perspective. It's the other kind of problems that scare me - your son sounds like he is having some real struggles, and I'm glad you are able to notice them and are looking for help. Here are some things I would try:
1) Talk to your school psychologist about your son's anxiety attacks. Can she give him service in school, individually or in a small group?
2) Is your son getting medication/talk teraphy? If so, request a "Educational Disability" meeting from the school, the kind that moves toward an IEP. Mental Illness qualifies him for the special education program, this can open the door to writing help and also a school administered IQ and Achievement test in perperation for an IEP.
3) If your son isn't recieving care for mental illness, and you think it's the right thing for him at this time, check and see what your medical insurance will cover.
4) A relativly cheap way to get an idea of your son's giftedness is through the talent searchs -such as http://www.jhu.edu/~gifted/ They can administer an SAT as early as 10 years old, although 12 is the typical age.
5) Check out the website for supporting the social and emotional needs of gifted. They have good articles.
http://www.sengifted.org/ write back and say more
((hugs and smile))
Trinity
