Coll I feel your pain with the "when to jump ship" question. Last year DD was in such a horrible school situation (a multi age magnet in the neighboring city - not our home school district) for kindergarten I asked myself that question every day. Twice I went to the school with the intent of withdrawing her only to be convinced by the vice principal and/or school psychologist that they would address the issues. By the end of the year literally everyone who knew and loved DD was asking me why she was still there and telling me I needed to get her out. It was only kindergarten so I could have probably withdrawn her and not enrolled her elsewhere with no ramifications but I didn't want to set a precedent for her to think just walking out of school was an option.
We planned to enroll her in an amazing but very expensive private school for first grade that we were sure would control the anxiety that this horrible school had triggered. Then we got the results of her testing by our school district showing major 2E issues. She was labeled as "significantly learning disabled" and the district set about convincing us that she needed to be in a public school in order to have all the services she would need. Once we did the math and saw what it would cost for us to provide the ld services at the private we realized she had to be at the public school.
What we have found is an eagerness to address her ld's, an interest in containing her anxiety (along with a few bone headed moves that dramatically increased it) and absolutely no support for the gifted areas. When her anxiety was ramped up last month resulting in daily headaches we again had people urging us to pull her out of school. Home schooling, home bound tutoring, unschooling, trying the private were mentioned by everyone we spoke to. The problem with the ld's would still follow us though - we realized she needed to be in the public school to access those services. We hired an educational consultant who discussed with the director of special services for our town the possibility of both our pulling her out for a while and/or sending her for half days so she could get the special ed services.
What we did instead is ramp up the enrichment we were doing with her on our own, ask the classroom teacher a bit more forcefully for appropriate differentiation (and provided her a copy of the book "101 School Success Tools for Smart Kids with Learning Difficulties") and instituted a reward system to encourage her to change the attitude she had towards school. While not 100% I can tell you that our situation has improved dramatically.
I guess my point is that last year no matter what we would have done the school situation could not ever have been healthy for her. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for not "jumping ship." This year, though, I *think* we are on the right track. If you can access an IEP you may have the ammunition you need to have the school more effectively address his needs. Sorry but I don't know enough to hazard a guess about whether a 504 would accomplish the same thing. It really depends on the specifics of your child's needs and how the district responds to them.
Good luck - I'm sure you will find a way to make it work for him.
