So my question: Does anyone have any tips on how to talk to this kid? Key words I might use to build her confidence without her thinking this is about being perfect?
Katelyn's Mom - Welcome back!
Don't look for the right words to say - Actions speak. Words echo.
It's works on you, too. It took until DD's school actions said "Help- I need some help!" to get you ready to make changes, right?
It's like writing a paper for your LA teacher - show the reader, don't tell the reader.
What Actions might show DD that you take her learning needs seriously? Working with her at home has been a major help and it gave her the courage to start getting demanding at school. That's all good for a first step.
I encourage her to show Ms. M that she can do it and if she shows her than Ms. M will give her more challenging work. Still isn't willing to do this.
It's fine to encourage your DD to do what Ms. M tells her, but it's a very very unusual child who can effectively self-advocate before age ten. You and Ms. M need to be the ones who work together to come up with possibilities, and try them all, one by one.
It's going to need to be a bit messy to recover from the perfectionism and blendy-in-ism that your DD is so entrenched in. Luckily she has you! And Ms. M seems willing to believe that it's possible. If you need more resource people, gather them in.
When my son was acting out in 2nd grade I would have been so happy if he 'just behaved.' Now I see that we are all so lucky that he didn't 'just behave.' That took quite a lot of living before my perspective shifted.
You can put the cameleon thing to good use if you can get her spending time with kids who share her 'ready to learn' level. It won't have to be perfect, just 'in the ballpark.'
Love and More Love,
Grinity
