Grinity, there was another time you pegged me when you said, "Is it just the noise that bothers you, Mom? Exactly what about the meltdown bothers you so much?" I've thought about that, and I really feel like some of this is me. The tantrums are a big deal to me because I don't know how to handle them. I'm supposed to be able to solve all problems, right? (I don't know where ds gets his perfecionism from?! haha) Also, the more I read about ADHD, the more convinced I am that I have it. I am impulsive, have difficulty sticking with things that don't interest me, jump from one thing to the next (i.e., discipline strategies), am disorganized, hate following a prescribed schedule, and forget things A LOT, etc. I'm sure there are more symptoms. Ds needs consistency, order, and routine, so I have to work really hard on that for his sake and mine.
JenSMP,
Maybe you do have ADHD, or ADHD 'trait' - first question you have to ask is: 'Is my life working or failing?' If your life is working (I didn't say perfect, you don't have a disorder! You might have the trait though!)
On the other hand, you may find books on ADHD to be helpful. I'm reading one right now:
www.amazon.com/ADD-Friendly-Ways-Organize-Your-Life/dp/1583913580that is just making me laugh and laugh, because I've already adopted 99% of those suggestions just through trial and error and Flylady.net. I think of myself as HG, maybe PG in my big strength area/ADHD 'trait'/Perfectionist (harsh judger)/Bird's eye view thinker so lots of things that are easy for other people are hard for me, and lots of things that are just impossible for other people are easy for me. I spent years trying on one diagnosis after another, trying to figure out what was 'wrong' with me, that I was so 'different.' Then my son hit school, and the rest is history!
Flylady.net was a tremendous help to me, and I have lots fewer 'low moods' since adopting her ways of living. Accepting myself as an 'unusually gifted' person has helped so much as well, but it did take me a few years. I was on a gifted parenting board at the time, and it had an barely used 'Adult Gifted' section. Sure enough, every 3 months I would be on there, ranting about DH and replaying all our verbal arguments and the ways we hurt each other. You could set your calendar by it.
What I like about 'transforming' is that it is written in a very confident way, and that has given me the courage to 'take deep breaths' when my family members are acting out, and feel like I AM doing it 'Right' no matter what the other person does. Slowly over the last 3 months, with slips here and there, things are changing for the better at my house. Transforming the Difficult Child is as much about Transforming the Intense/Sensitive/Standards-out-of-whack Parent as it is about changing the child.
BTW, I like to tease 'Perfectionistic' out into various threads. ((1000 words for snow, right?))
Part of gifted perfectionism is that we grew up without any reliable reference, and we continue to function with any reliable reference. My mom (Hi Mom in Heaven!) maintained for many years that we were normal, and happend to live in a 'way below average town' filled with 'way below average intelligence' people. Ok, I'm being generous with her words here - you know what she called 'them.'
I couldn't use my classmates as reference. I used the fictional characters in books. I thought that if I was less upbeat than Pippi Longstockings, less brave and loving than Anne Frank, less plucky than Breezus that I must be a terrible failure. Can you wonder that I judged myself harshly? But with my intensity, the characters in the books seems so real, more than flesh people all around me!
JenSMP, do you have a list of self-nurturing things that you can do for yourself? Seems to me that if you are going to make a go of this, then you are going to have to get good sleep, reasonable amounts of excercise, healthy food, avoid the little bad habits that don't agree with you if there are any (caffiene, sugar, romantic movies, you know what I mean)carve out nurturing social time for yourself, date night with DH, enough artistic/intellectual stimulation, etc. Great news is that if you couldn't do it for your own sake, soon it will become pretty obvious that if you want to avoid becoming your mom, you have to do this, for your son's sake. That should help!
Smiles,
Grinity
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