Starting a new thread because it's that time of year and I'm panicky and hogging the board.

I just went through and read all of my old posts because I am trying to gain some perspective on this situation.

(It didn't work, really, just produced a lot of anxiety.)

I am almost certain I've decided we can't do this anymore. Supporting DS' EF without an IEP is a full-time job and is interfering with my other responsibilities and general sanity level.

In the middle of the night--DS came into my room, told me he loved me a few times, then went back to bed. This morning, I had trouble waking him (as always) and had a few moments of sheer panic that he had actually offed himself.

This is not healthy.

I have some ideas for next year:

Idea #1: Part time regular MS, part time homeschool.

Idea #2: Full time regular MS, send him in without help or meds (which he has a really hard time with) and let them decide whether or not they "suspect a disability."

Idea #3: Have his psychiatrist document that he is "medically fragile" so he can do virtual school without our having to pay for it.

Idea #4: Just quit, "unschool," leave him alone, and try to get the rest of my life in order.

This situation is ridiculous, overwhelming, and all-consuming.

Any thoughts about my Ideas 1-4? Taking a *gap year* at age 13 seems a little unconventional, but he still wouldn't be behind as far as credits go.

Hi, eco21268, I tried to search your old posts but somehow couldn't see what your DS's diagnosis is, but I just want to first give you a big hug. Hang in there! Our kids will turn out to be fine one way or another. Their path of growth will not be exactly what we imagined, but with love, patience, wisdom and perseverance, they will be able to accomplish and enjoy so much!!

From your idea #2, I see a school that is not willing to fully support him and your family. I wonder whether it is possible to switch to a *better* school (again, I didn't read all of your old posts), then go for #1, or maybe a hybrid of #1 plus online courses.

I think you should really consider this option, a different school one that is a better fit for him, in terms of support and workload. This will relieve a lot of the stress on both of you.

He has a 504 and not an IEP? You have documented the school's failure to follow the 504 and that has not helped gain compliance? You have documented why you believe he needs an IEP?

Are you familiar with the articles on Executive Functioning from Understood.org, such as
- At a Glance: 8 Key Executive Functions
- Executive Functioning Issues: Strategies You Can Try At Home
- 4 Ways Kids Use Organization Skills to Learn
- At A Glance: 7 Ways to Teach Your Middle-Schooler Organization Skills
- 9 Simple Steps for Breaking Down Assignments
Each article has links to more related articles.

Are you familiar with the Wrightslaw website?
- free online Parent Guide
- Book: From Emotions to Advocacy (FETA)
- Companion website to Book: fetaweb.com
- IEP FAQ
- Free weekly e-mail newsletter: Special Ed Advocate
- The wrightslaw page of recommended books includes Executive Function in Children and Adolescents
- Article: My Child with a 504 Plan is Failing, School Won't Help: Your Eligibility Game Plan
- Article: Should Poor Organizational Skills be Accommodated in an IEP?
At the end of this article are links to two PDFs on Accommodations and Modifications.

You may wish to consult your State's homeschooling laws and truancy policy as a guide to any options/solutions you may brainstorm and implement.

HUGS. What about hiring an educational advocate to assist you with dealing with the school and getting an IEP in place (and followed)? IEPs (and 504s) can be tricky, especially for a diagnosis the the school isn't used to accommodating. It is tough going it alone and an advocate will work for you and your child's interests rather than the school's.

Hi eco,
Sorry you are still struggling.
I remember some of your posts and I am wondering if, even if you were to get an IEP, is the school so incompetent that they wouldn't really do anything for him anyway? Is there a head special ed teacher or psychologist you could talk to?

Also, is there any chance you can move in order to get into a better school? Maybe rent for a while and try it out before making a more permanent commitment? Or do you think he would have the same issues no matter where he is? If so, then homeschooling or online school would make more sense.

Can you get a lawyer to help you get an IEP?

Ah, spaghetti, those are wise words.

DS says he is on board to try to finish up the year with some effort.

I can't communicate effectively with some of his teachers. I ask very direct questions and just don't succeed. An example:

Me: Can you update me on his grade? How is he behaving? He’s having panic attacks to add to the fun and had to leave yesterday. I’ll help him if I know what he’s supposed to be doing.

Teacher: He is now two days late on his two projects we talked about last week. He did not get them done last week because he chose to watch the NFL draft.

[We did not discuss two projects, but one, which teacher told me DS would show him in class the next day, because he had been absent. He didn't bother telling me that DS did not have the project completed, as I'd assumed. The second project was not listed in grade book or planner which is on 504.]

Me (cutting my losses): Can he bring them home and are there instructions somewhere?

Teacher:They are both powerpoints so he can work on it anywhere and he should have the instructions for the first and the second is an open ended project and he knows the expectations for it.

[DS draws blank when I tell him he should know what he's supposed to do.]

Me: He doesn't have instructions for either--I'd like to make sure he follows instructions, he's bad at remembering.

Teacher: I gave him a note with the requirments on it again. It is a very simple project both are and he should have complete a good amount of it already.

[DS comes home, I say teacher said he gave you a note, DS says "No he didn't. Wait, maybe he did. Crap. I left it there."

A different class--

Me: How is his behavior? I know he has been doing a careless job turning in his letters, but I’m under the impression he is caught up now (with one due Friday). Is that correct?

He also says he has completed one writing assignment and the other (revision of previous piece) is in progress. Do you know if he is right about that?

On the project—are they allowed to use a book they’ve previously discussed via letter, or does it need to be a different one?

Counting down, and thanks for all of your help this year.


Teacher: [radio silence]

Then there is a third email, where I asked when his final is and when his final project is due and haven't received a response, yet.

An email to the coordinator, saying HEY, it seems like DS is really struggling, he told me school makes him hate himself and he is tired of being singled out, was sent to the hall for two classes today. Can you find out how often that sort of thing is happening? I don't think sitting in the hall, alone, is a good place for him.

She and I go back and forth while I say, do you think maybe we could get a BIP now? And she basically ends up by telling me that MAYBE, the teachers could "send him to the hall, when he needs a quiet place." OMG! I am not kidding. The whole thing is just so asinine.

They ignored all of the significant data on the teacher BASC last year, and used "beginning of the year, everything is wonderful" new teacher data to determine that DS does not need a BIP.

With the assignments, what ends up happening is--I email or call a friend whose son is in this program and he tells us what DS is supposed to do.

This is just really ridiculously labor intensive.

Lawyer: can't afford.
Homeschool/truancy laws: not a big deal, very lax state.
Biggest issue: he's technically done with MS this year, so I could put him in a different school for 8th, but what would he take for his classes? They don't even offer the next math class on any campus except another "choice" program, which would be unlikely to accept him with his transcript.

I could put him in his assigned school and think of it as child care, but that goes directly against what the neuropsych recommended for him.

On the upside, his mood is somewhat improved. He is in his room composing very dark and moody music electronically, and that seems to help him.

Y'all, I've done the advocate thing. I considered the attorney (and even made a call), but in the end, why would I fight so hard to keep my kid in a program that clearly doesn't have any interest in supporting his needs?

OTOH, if I just set him loose in a traditional MS, without all of my help and his stimulant med (which he hates), he might have a great time just "being DS" like he did all the way through elementary, while learning nothing at school, and get a lot of detentions and ISS for being annoying. All while not making grades high enough to even put him in "honors" classes, much less gifted/accelerated.

Not one single teacher, a single time, as expressed an opinion that the curriculum is too difficult for DS. In fact, the opposite--I had one call this year telling me that he is really talented in math, is probably kind of bored in Algebra, and we shouldn't penalize him for organizational issues (there are a couple of really kind teachers, who have his back).

I just want to pull my hair out!

I didn't address a couple of comments:

DS has autism spectrum diagnosis. His 504 is for ASD, ADHD-combined type, generalized anxiety disorder and depression NOS. He is, basically, gifted with Asperger's and the autism is "mild" but the co-morbids aren't.

He's in an accelerated gifted program. I think the work load is too heavy for him with his EF issues and anxiety.

I am pretty much thinking we are done with his program. At this point, trying to figure out what makes sense to do next.

Eco, except that my DS is a HS jr, our two could be in the same school with same teachers. They don't answer direct questions or they give "radio silence". The SW is getting tired of it, I can tell. The counselor is picking up the slack now that she has settled in to her job (new here, but experienced in a similar school). His schedule altered so he could be in an Enriched Study Hall where he is supposed to get support for EF, check of his planner, and a bit of coaching on assignments, but that has not happened-- at all-- so he started skipping it and working in a quieter area of the building, and not clearing the "unexcused absence" slips that came his way. He'd rather take a detention on Saturday mornings.

The saving grace is that he likes school, likes going, likes his classes. This week was tough with 4 AP exams in 3 days (they are each 3.5 hours long!) but he seemed to enjoy it. Go figure.

The SpEd decision is not until the end of May. So no help for this year. We are going to have to consider Bridgeton Academy for a supported college-prep year.

Is there a one-on-one school near you like Fusion Academy? Perhaps he could take only the courses he is interested in there, and take all electives at MS? You would have to get approval from the HS to be sure credits transfer in.

((( Hugs )))

NB, I could have him take online geometry and physics via the school district (I think) and kind of homeschool the rest. I have a master's in gifted ed. hahahahahahahhahaha


DS has always liked school up until recently, too (so weird!) He also has referred to ISS as the "best days of his life" in the past.



Hugs right back.

This is great news.

Would you mind some advocacy feedback on the examples of direct questions which you provided? Several of the communication exchanges do not seem to be framed in the context of the 504, and seem to skate into other issues.

If there is something on the 504 specifying parameters for teachers reporting grades, the means for doing so, the timing, etc, then you may wish to reference that. It is my understanding that elsewhere in your post you mention that the 504 says the teacher will post assignment instructions/requirements in the online grade book, or in the student's planner? 'not listed in grade book or planner which is on 504' If this is the correct understanding, then one approach might be: "I'm checking in on his grades. As outlined on the 504, there is to be notice of overdue assignments, and all assignments are to be listed in the online gradebook. I do not see any overdue assignments, or assignments due this week posted in the online gradebook. Is this correct?"

If there is something in the 504 about providing behavioral supports, then you may wish to frame your inquiry in that context.

Some may say that the phrase "to add to the fun" may not work in your favor. Sharing the information that he requested being picked up early from school yesterday may not be relevant to a discussion of 504 items which this teacher is accountable for.

Schools may cringe at a parent helping a teen with schoolwork... unless there is specifically something in a 504 about the school supporting the parent for scaffolding at home. On the other hand, if the 504 has something about informing the parent/student as to what the student should be doing for homework/projects/assignments, then you may wish to refer to what the 504 says. For example, you might make a friendly reminder to the teacher: "I know it's a busy time of the year, but would you take a moment to make sure the assignment instructions/requirements are posted to the online grade book, as outlined in the 504?"

Does the 504 stipulate the teacher communicating when an assignment/project is overdue? If so, does it specify directly reporting to the parent? Or possibly noting it in the online gradebook? Within what timeframe?

Once again, you may wish to refer to the 504, for example: "Are the requirements posted in the online gradebook, as required by the 504?" Referring to the 504 may be the only way to cut your losses; the 504 may be your only defensible position. Any other information which you may seek, or any other role which you may take, may be considered as overstepping bounds.

Same as before, you may wish to ask: "Are the requirements posted in the online gradebook, as required by the 504?"

Or simply ask: "Are the requirements posted in the online gradebook, as required by the 504?"

One possible reply to this might be: "Because of his disability, the 504 specifies that assignment requirements be posted online and/or in the student planner; As much as I appreciate your effort in writing a separate note, unfortunately a separate note does not suffice."

Advocacy relies on a clear division of labor for teachers/schools, students, parents. Advocacy works best when all are focused on crafting a plan then following that plan, to best meet the student's needs for accessing his/her education. This is facilitated by focusing on facts with an avoidance of emotion and side stories. As warned on the Wrightslaw webpage for Crisis Management, Step-by-Step, schools may deem a parent unstable if emotional.

Eco, I think what you need to look for is a school program that understands 2e students. We are starting DD in middle school next year (yikes) and I talked to the gifted specialist. DD would have a "gifted case manager" which was startling to me considering the fact that we are coming from a district that doesn't even have a district wide gifted coordinator. I'd greatly prefer a good "special ed case manager" but any 1-1 attention she can get, the better. I told the gifted specialist about her various 2e issues and none of it seemed to bother her. She said that the gifted courses are not more work, just deeper level material. That's what your DS needs. We'll see what the program is like when we actually get there and teachers can't bother to follow the IEP, though. It's easy for people to say everything will be great, but then they forget about her planner every day, or don't check their emails.

indigo: your examples are very helpful. At the beginning of the year, I referenced the 504 at the beginning of each "check-in" email, but haven't been lately. The program coordinator suggested to me that I should always let DS' teachers know about the "side stories" (that isn't part of 504) so they could be supportive when he is having issues. I think you are correct, perhaps that is going too far in the TMI direction. Also, agree, the tone of the one was inappropriate.

That said, I'm really glad there is nothing in the 504 that says it only has to be followed if/when mother is stable!

blackcat: That's what I think, too. We don't have a school that understands 2E as far as I know. I have a call in to the counselor at the MS DS is assigned to attend. Maybe I can learn from her what the school could/couldn't do to make sure DS has appropriate supports and challenging curriculum. I have friends whose child attends that school, with a similar 2E profile to my DS, and they haven't been thrilled. I just wonder if it's possible to get an (free) appropriate education with these confusing kids. I love the idea of a gifted case manager. We don't have those, here, but we do have liaisons who might be able to help.

If you are willing to move, or there are other possibilities without moving, I would call around and see what you can find out. There are several middle schools in the district and it turns out that one in particular is the place to go for "gifted" because the good people happen to be at that school. Someone in enrollment told me that. You would never know that checking out the district website though.

We can't move, but in our district the kid can transfer into any school (but not necessarily any program) with an opening.

Probably the next best choice for DS, though, is also a program that has these grade requirements. They *might* take into consideration that his B-C average was in accelerated program, but they might not.

There is only transportation to your assigned school, though, with the exception of the program he is in now. I can deliver him anywhere, but can't pick up in the afternoon.

The benefit of going to the assigned school is they can't kick him out if he gets a bad grade. That would be a nice relief from the pressure, for both of us. OTOH, DS might well interpret that as license to completely check out.

Also, all the other MS programs have MS teams, and the teachers have to have MS certification, which specifically includes developmental EF info. That would be very helpful for DS, I think. In a more normal group, I don't think he'd seem like such a big PITA because he's a nice kid, not antisocial (yet).

One thing I do find interesting is that our family friend (highly gifted, several other Es) has way more accommodations in his 504. Things that our 504 coordinator told me DS couldn't possibly have--like an extra set of books at home.

What I really think is going on: his current program can't come right out and SAY, kids with ADHD can't make it here, but that's the underlying principle. They do say, when you're applying, that "good organizational skills are a must." I just kind of blew that off, because I had no idea DS would have THIS much trouble. He was always disorganized in elementary, but always had good grades and his state test scores/performance series stuff, etc. has always been high.

Even though he struggled all year last year, his state scores were all advanced and his lexile score increased to 1600. So at least I know he is still progressing. He would do best in an environment where you just listen and then take tests, but that's not what school looks like any more.

I'm really thinking about homeschool and some virtual school next year. There are several homeschool groups in town and opportunities for a lot of interesting activities. I can do this, schedule-wise. I think it might be really good for him to have a year where he could be liked by people again and like himself. Everyone loves DS outside of a school environment. This year two of his teachers really like him and have made sure he knows that, but the rest of it has been hard on his feelings of self-worth. He thrives on being "liked" and is funny and sociable. His social language is banter and he's good at it. That is not useful in school settings, though.

This may be an early warning sign that the program is not a good "fit" OR it may be seen as an opportunity to ramp up in-school scaffolding, remediation, and accommodations, to provide the best possible ingrained, repetitive routine in school and at home so your son learns the various steps he needs to take to be organized.

The lexile score sounds great. Here he can find-a-book in his lexile level, and download a free summer reading log.

Sounds like he is progressing academically and may wish to focus on EF skills? Many people find that executive function skills, not pure academic progress, tend to be the make-or-break skills for one's future.

In general an extra set of books at home may be a common accommodation. This may depend on the child, the learning environment, the expectations as to the child's level of functioning, and what other supports are in place.

Was the lack of books at home a significant contributing factor to your son's difficulties?

In general, parents are wise to study the free advocacy information available (such as the links in another post upthread) and become familiar with what is commonly put in place to help a child with similar difficulties as compared with their child. This prepares them to confidently advocate for what their child needs, being familiar with the sources upon which they base their position.

If your son is interested in the process, you may wish to do some of your research into accommodations together. This may also help ensure you are on the same page in advocating.

Regardless of the learning environment he is in next year, there is a strong likelihood that there is more advocacy in your future... and his. You may wish to help him prepare for self-advocacy.

I feel like we tried to do the above via 504 this year but it's just not working. Some of that is compliance issues, but to be fair--I really think it's because DS needs more than 504 accommodations. For example, on 504 he is supposed to have his teachers initial his planner every day, and his study hall teacher checks it. If he hasn't done it, he's sent back (during study hall) to get all of the signatures.

The idea was for DS to take ownership of this and make it automatic. The reality is, DS absolutely DESPISES having to go back every day, but he has had to go back every day. He simply does not have the ability to remember to do this right now.

He doesn't write useful information in the planner, anyhow, in the classes where it's most needed. The very experienced, organized teachers have their assignments online, with due dates, anyhow. In the less communicative classes, DS writes one word descriptions of what they did in class that day, has no idea if anything is due or if he remembered to turn it in, so the planner thing is just punitive to him at this point. The teachers who make sure he writes useful info, already have it posted.

There also seems to be an aversion to providing written instructions for assignments, in the same classes. These are the gifted MS classes. I think the expectation is these gifted kids will remember what they are told, or will ask, or will copy down instructions if they are written on the board. Most of those kids do, probably. Or they ask their friends. DS doesn't really communicate with his friends outside of school--I've noticed a huge difference between his and his sister's social communication.

The extra set of books didn't end up being a problem, because I purchased a book for the one class where it was a problem. His 504 says: "Have student review materials to take home at end of class period." DS kept coming home without a book for one class, and couldn't do his homework on time. So I asked that teacher if he could have a book at home (to avoid having to gripe every time that the 504 says he's supposed to "review materials" to take home at the end of each class period--which is ambiguous). Teacher felt that telling DS at some point during the class, "take home your book," would be sufficient. I get it. But that doesn't work for DS, period.

I was met with some resistance on that suggestion, so I just bought the blasted book. I don't want to have to fight, and cite the 504, every time something goes awry.

I would have been perfectly happy to accept that oversights happen, if the teacher was then willing to be flexible about grading it late--but DS would be graded late regardless of the reason so that was just too much to deal with.

He also has lost his SD card (cards, really, because I keep having to buy new ones) more times than I can count in a digital photography class. I knew that was going to be an issue as soon as I saw that tiny thing. He never packs it, he never remembers to upload assignments in class when they are electronic, etc. So he loses all of the photos he's taken for a project and has nothing to work with, has to start from scratch, frequently. I told that teacher I knew this would be a problem and asked if he had any ideas. The teacher said DS could leave the SD card in class. But, again, I think he meant that DS could "remember" to leave in in class without any cueing. And he can't.

He has a very difficult time packing up his backpack at the end of class and is very slow. And the teachers generally don't allow the kids to pack up until the bell has rung, or just before. I understand why they do that. Doesn't work for DS.

He is just, all in all, a LOT of extra work. This is the first year he's noticed and felt bad about being so spacey, but it hasn't improved the organization. Because it's an EF impairment, not a willful behavior.

I don't think he can be expected to learn the EF stuff without contextualized instruction. I do what I can, but I'm not there. I don't think they are ever going to agree to evaluate him.

I just don't want to waste all of this energy any more. Kid's lost his love of learning anything academic, is moody and anxious, and generally unhappy. What's the point of that?

Based on all you've done and the current situation, it seems reasonable to follow your idea of trying homeschooling given it is feasible for your family. Give him a chance to embrace learning and feel good about himself again... you can always use some of the time to work on his EF challenges.

I hear you! And yet, citing the 504 can become automatic and unemotional for both you and the teachers, as they learn to make their compliance with this student's unique support needs ingrained, and routine.

This could be an occasion to document each specific incident of lack of compliance and the impact on the grade, as it occurs. Keeping dated, written documentation in an advocacy log at home may be helpful, because then you can extract a collection of facts to present at an advocacy meeting. This also provides a history of facts if you need to escalate the issue.

Agreed. Whatever his learning environment next year, the further development of EF skills may be a great goal.

Right. The role of parent in this process may be that of documenting at home, following up with school for compliance.

Have you contacted them in writing with your best list of facts and evidence, to request the evaluation?

Wherever he goes, the need for advocacy may present itself.

Clearly something must change. That may mean changing the advocacy approach, and/or gaining an IEP, and/or changing to a different learning environment. What are his thoughts on what he like to see changed?

I've requested evaluation thrice since third grade, and been denied thrice. The last request was well-executed and accompanied by a very expensive neuropsychological report I obtained on the recommendation of the program coordinator and counselor.

See what I mean?

Yes, something is going to change. DS would prefer to just be left alone for now and be allowed to flunk out so he doesn't have to do anything more. I'm going to make him finish the year but next year is different.

indigo: at 504 meeting earlier this year, I brought my "documentation" and tried to refer to it and was told to "lay last year to rest." That was with my advocate in tow. Kinda hard to know what to do in that moment. I assume they thought I was there to complain, which was not the case. The 504 coordinator looked at me like I'd grown a second head when I asked to have the language "and teachers will reply" to the "weekly check-in" accommodation. Same for other accommodations where I asked they be made more explicit.

Yuck, just not going to do this any more. I hear you on advocacy, but monitoring DS 504 compliance takes too much time and it just doesn't feel like the best thing to do with our lives.

Yes, from the information you shared I believe I would also be at a loss as to how to try again for an IEP, unless there was a change in personnel, or someone to escalate to such as your state Department of Education. ((hugs))

Looks like they wanted 504 compliance feedback information in real-time, however their statement may have provided a great opportunity to mention that it is often helpful to recap what did work and what did not in the previous year's 504, in order to learn from past experiences (both positive and negative) and craft an even better plan in the subsequent (current) year.

And so they demonstrate that you have hit a nerve, focusing in on the weak spot(s) of the prior year's 504. The 504 is essentially your kid's lifeline in school and you want it to be strong: "A chain is only as strong as it's weakest link."

In case you felt badly after that meeting, I want to encourage you that you did great in introducing these points into the conversation.

I hear you. You know your situation best and I trust you to make the best decision.