We have decided to homeschool DD4 and, as is natural, the topic of kindergarten comes up often at the park, museum etc. We are new to our city and would very much like to meet people, but inevitably when I am honest about starting to homeschool I often get asked why I made the decision. Our local elementary schools are considered the best in the area and so logic follows we must have moved to our neighborhood for the schools. Unfortunately that is not the case, DH works close to the house. I generally say something along the line of DD learns a bit differently. That answer seems to totally kill the conversation. I generally don't want to end the conversation, but I haven't found a softer way to be honest and not kill the conversation. In hindsight I am sure the comment is being construed in all sorts of ways, most of which are completely wrong - our schools won't work for you?? your DD has some serious learning disabilities etc. I keep hoping someone who is genuinely interested will read between the lines and ask more, but that hasn't really happened.

DH think I'm being silly in my desire to have a softer answer and he views honesty as the best policy as well as a gating mechanism to people I may want to be friends with in the long run. He believes if the parent I am talking to is cool with something like "DD has exhausted the kindergarten and first grade curriculum already so putting her in kindergarten isn't the right fit, so the only way we can see to keep up with her is to start homeschooling," then they may be someone we may want to be friends with in the long run. While I am in total agreement that being able to have conversation about what it is parenting DD is essential in the long run, I am not totally convinced his method is the best playground conversation. Although to be fair I haven't tried his method

I know many of you must have been in this situation, or at least something similar. How honest are you? What do you say to people with kids in B&M schools as well as other homeschooling families?

Possibly sharing that your child enjoys hands-on projects and independent research... or frequent field trips and museum visits... etc... may keep a conversation open and help find things in common with other moms, upon which a friendship may be built?

How about "my husband and I have decided that at this point home schooling is the best option for our child. Have you ever been bungy jumping?"

Well said... Great to include a change of topic for a continued conversation. Smooth segue.

In my experience most conversations at the park or museum are fluff and the odds of alienating someone that I might have other things in common with aren't worth the incredibly slim chance that they are also dealing with a gifted kid. To 98% of the population the statement of "she's beyond the curriculum..." will come off as some sort of super-tiger mom bragging and they will run away. Honestly, 7 years ago I probably would have had the same reaction and probably assumed it was all about the parent. We don't homeschool but when we talk about school or my kids in general I generally keep it vague, find other things to talk about and if we click in other ways eventually we might get there. Most people who hang around my DS for more than 20 minutes (DD is more subtle) eventually say something or give me the "what did he just say?" look at which point I usually shrug and smile. Most people probably assume I'm at home drilling him on things and FORCING him to learn about the odd things he's babbling on about. Honestly, we don't need more fuel for the force field of oddness that can sometimes surround him Of course YMMV.

This. If you're looking for other parents with simialr kids, try chess, Lego, art, HSing groups, drama, even advanced athletics if your kid is inclined. There are a lot of possibilities. I don't think dropping this stuff into random conversation is likely to pan out well. Where I live, HSing is not uncommon, so a simple "We plan to homeschool" would be fine, perhaps followed up with "We think it will work best for us/we're excited to start/there are lots of opportunities" etc.

I wouldn't abruptly change the subject, because it can be hard to find common interests with people, and, hey, look, we both have kids, let's talk about parenting. It's one of those social grease things. Refusing to talk about it could be seen as being anti-social.

I've employed your DH's method, and while I don't have a lot of friends here, it's not because of blowback from being too honest about my DD. These conversations mainly happen in casual situations where I wasn't going to be bonding long-term with the people anyway... like at the park, or at one of DD's activities. It has often proven to be a topic of mutual interest, and sparked some interesting conversations.

The only time I ever felt self-conscious about it was the one time a bunch of parents were talking about how their kids failed to get into G/T, and all the efforts they were considering (private testing, etc) to get them in. That was pretty awkward, considering that I don't think the floor is all that high, so maybe their kids shouldn't be in it, though I kept that much to myself.

I find it much easier to talk to parents at the rink or soccer field (or something else) where DS is decidedly average. It is much less threatening for parents to bond over your kids being off in the corner picking dandelions rather than being the team super-star. It is also good for DS to have something other than astrophysics or prime numbers as common ground with his peers since we have yet to encounter another 7 year old that has any of his other interests. As a bonus it has made DS realize that some things take practice, not everything is easy and we've been able to use this when he is frustrated when kids in his class have to work at something that is easy to him.

ITA with ultramarina - some clubs/activities are more likely than others to find like minded kids. Not sure where you live but hopefully there are some options there as well.

Well in light of the fact the other parents have preschoolers and school is probably making them nervous, maybe active listening might be easiest. You could just emphasize you are glad the schools in the district are so good, you have always planned to try home schooling but knowing there are good alternatives available is a comfort. Then get them to tell you all about how they decided and what their concerns are.

I have one about to start school and I wish he didn't have to go. I bet there is more than one mum at tge park thinking that. Before I though it was just people trying to tell you that you should send your child to school.

If you are new to the area, do you have a good idea of the academic skills of young kids in the area? We live in an area with good schools, and I think that probably 80% of the kids entering kindergarten know most or all of the material. Maybe the other kids know the material too?

I attended a private school in the same area we live in now, and we only had 12 kids in the kindergarten class. Three of us could read. I'm not sure if 25% of all kids in the area can read when they enter kindergarten, but there were certainly children at my kids' preschool who could read (not mine, though youngest would read stuff out in public, such as a sign or flyer, then quickly deny that she read it).

If you say she "learns differently", I would assume that she had an LD. I think you should phrase that in a different way. I recall a kid whose mother always led him around, holding his hand. Kid sort of had a blank look on his face. Most other kids thought he had some serious LDs. It turns out that the mother was overly protective (due to a truly traumatic event he witnessed at a very young age), but the kid was brilliant and went to an Ivy.

Just mention to others a few things she likes to learn about, or a few skills, and you might be surprised. Just don't mention anything way out there (like Calculus). And check out activities with kids with similar interests - library Lego Club, nature camps, etc. If the area has good schools, there are bound to be some activities like these.

I am guessing that there are most likely reasons you've decided to homeschool other than thinking your child is so advanced academically that the local schools won't be a good fit - and those would be the things that I'd offer up as your reasons. For instance, when you homeschool you can choose the curriculum - that's a simple fact, no need to add you're looking at 2nd grade (or whatever level) instead of kindy curriculum. As a homeschool parent, you can pick and choose subjects in a child-led manner - maybe your ds is more interested in plants for science than animals. You can include a lot of hands-on projects, and you and your child can spend a lot of time outside the home(school) - at museums, parks, etc. It also gives you more time with your child. If you have a religious faith, you can incorporate that into your curriculum.

Think it through - there are probably quite a few reasons that you are looking forward to homeschooling that maybe aren't right at the tip of your tongue because the initial decision was due to academics.

The other thing I'd consider when talking to the other moms at the park, if it does come up, is that your child might not be the only child who's ahead of the game in terms of knowing what will be taught in K-1. It's also possible, in an area with schools with a good reputation, that there may be more than standard academics offered at those schools. I'm not saying that to change your mind about homeschooling, but instead to be open-minded that there might be some parents out there in your shoes who've made the choice to go with public schools. It's hard to know what's really up in the local schools until you've had a chance to get to know parents with children actually in the schools.

In the meantime, it's tough to be in a new neighborhood/city and looking for new friends, especially when our kids are young - most of us parents are so absorbed in the day-to-day life of taking care of our kids we don't have a lot of time left over to make new friends. It's possible that you'll meet someone at the playground that will turn into a friend, but also possible that the playground chats will never amount to anything more than just chats. I'd try not to worry too much if another mom you talk to gets turned off when she asks about homeschooling (or whatever). Instead, I'd try to find activities to take your child to that are interesting and fun for the two of you, and I'm guessing you'd have a better chance there of seeing other moms regularly and developing relationships that turn in to friendships based on common interests.

Best wishes,

polarbear

You're not answering their question.

They didn't ask whether you thought your child was special. They asked why you made the decision to homeschool.

Telling people your kid is different, unless the child has MS or something, is really not going to get you a lot of love at the park. You might as well put a tee-shirt on her that says, "Special snowflake not to be ruined by the tepid public services (which no doubt suffice for your child)."

MANY of children learn differently. They go to the gifted program or get an IEP, or both. They suffer while mom works to keep the health insurance and dad works to pay the mortgage. They sit there, politely, under the radar, and teach themselves to write with both hands, backwards and forwards, so that their single mom can go to school so they can get off food stamps someday. They come home every day and cry. They write story after story after story about astronauts... Their parents fight with the school, fight and fight to get the kid services. The kids sit under the eaves and read a book while a big kid throws a ball under them. They hide illiteracy through outbursts. They hide intelligence by refusing to do homework. Your daughter learns differently--welcome to the club.

It's a conversation killer because it indicates a level of cluelessness with respect to what everyone else is going through, how everyone thinks their own child is special, and how YOUNG your child is (at four, children are all over the map with respect to development). Of course you see her learning differently, but I'd say unless you've taught pre-school for a decade, you really aren't placed to evaluate that.

What would I say?

Well, how about you enjoy being able to go at your daughter's pace, and it's something that is working for your family so far?

How about, she seems to be making great progress in the home environment and it's something that you are happy to do, so you're going to do it as long as it works?

You think she's very self-directed and so you'd like to see her continue to develop that for now, since you have the opportunity.

How about, There are a lot of different reasons but ultimately it seemed like something that would work for our family.

I wish you the best of luck in homeschooling. It's something I'd have wanted as a child, but my mom couldn't afford it...

ITA with this, and the rest of what binip said.

FWIW, I came back to this thread because a thought popped into my head that might be helpful - have you made contact with local homeschooling group(s) yet? I am guessing they exist - even in the best school districts (we live in a great school district, great neighborhood school etc, and I know quite a few folks who homeschool). That seems like the logical place to find like-minded parents, and I'm guessing you'd find some fun group activities to take your dc too as well as moms to join for playdates in the park etc - which means less likelihood you'd be talking "cold" to moms you don't know, therefore less likely to have inquiries about why you're homeschooling.. plus if someone did ask, there'd be more than one person to answer the question

polarbear

I'm open to homeschooling my DS2.25 when he's kindergarten age. When I discuss this thought process with friends, the features of homeschooling that I mention are usually:

- Freedom to study topics of special interest to DS in as much detail and for as long as he likes, without being tied to what the rest of the class is doing
- Ability to adopt elements of different curricula that are suited to DS' needs and interests, rather than being constrained to a single approach designed to fit a group
- The opportunity to spend time interacting with a more diverse group of people in the community (different ages, ethnicities, professions)
- Greater freedom in scheduling: because we could eliminate inefficient time in class, DS could cover the same material in less time and would have more spare time for exploration, extra curriculars, and free play with friends
- My desire to ensure that DS' faith is linked to the topics we study in a consistent way
- We love spending time together and would both enjoy sharing learning past pre-school age
- The flexibility to respect the body's natural rhythms, including sleeping in later than usual school start times, and being able to nap and eat ad libitum
- Being able to engage in more community-centric experiential learning, like visiting museums, exploring local natural features, concerts, travel, etc.
- Ability to teach unconventional subjects, like debate or cooking, that I might not afterschool due to not wanting to impinge on DS' time for free play

As a one liner, I say that I see homeschooling as a potential option that would delight my son and I. We love learning together and would be thrilled to get to explore the world together, with effectively total freedom to come and go as we please.

Polite, casual, social interaction among moms at the park while children play does not require an informative reply which thoroughly answers a question posed. In this context, a question posed may be a sign of goodwill and attention, indicating that the listener thought the topic may be one upon which the speaker would like to expound. If not wishing to expound, but wishing the conversation to continue, the recipient of the question may guide the conversation in another direction. To use a volleyball analogy, keeping the ball in play without spiking it over the net aggressively.

In seeking a softer answer than the modest and open-ended "DD learns a bit differently", the OP shows sensitivity to the negative energy which can be inadvertently generated when parents mention children who are gifted or ahead of academic/developmental norms.

IMO, this modest and open-ended reply about a child's learning style is not the same as saying the kid is different or wearing a t-shirt which denigrates the local public schools or the children who attend there.

A parent is the expert in regard to their own child.

These are great ideas :

That being said, the kiddo is only 4 so possibly a mention of enjoying museums, projects, etc...? These are things which a playground group may someday decide to meet up together for on a rainy day...?

So, as you're seeing, homeschooling can generate strong responses. We are in a similar situation -- we homeschool because our kids are academically advanced and we finally gave up battling the schools. That fact isn't a useful conversation starter, though, for the reasons you've spotted.

So I usually say something like, 'Well, homeschool works for us for a lot of reasons, but we take it year by year, and we're very tempted by [insert local school here,] which I hear is quite good. What are your experiences?" Then you can steer the conversation in a useful direction: you can listen to that person's experiences and also learn something about your local schools. We really DO take all this a year at a time. Kids change, and it's not out of the question that dc might spend a year or more in school at some point.

That said, nothing works all the time, and I've had painful experiences in which people push ahead and interrogate me about my curriculum in depth, sometimes on the premise that I must be shortchanging dc academically. Then, no matter how gently I put it, I have to disclose that my kids are above grade level, have tested well, etc., and the interlocutor too often is offended.

I should also add, though, that I occasionally have LOVELY experiences, along the lines of, "I've known lots of homeschoolers; they're great!" or "My [insert relative here] homeschooled his kids, and they did really well!" or even, "I wish I could do that."

Good luck.

Sometimes it is hard to tell. I think just saying that you prefer to home school would be enough. We had the opposite situation.12 of the 13 children that my child was in a pre-school class with were pulled for G/T testing and made it in programs their kindergarten year. It was only after the teacher told us repeatedly that there was something different about DD did we realize her abilities were not pretty normal. You just never know where the other children at the park are:).

Honestly, I think that people are just "checking" to make sure that you don't know something about the school system. If you want to talk more about homeschooling, think up some other questions to ask the person you are speaking with. What do they think about homeschooling? Do they have homeschooling friends? State your concerns about homeschooling, state what you are excited about.

I understand that the askers aren't looking for literal and expounded replies, nor is OP's reply literally translated as, "I'm better than you." What I meant to do was explain how these come across.

The question simply means, aha, a topic I can ask about.

The answer is taken as, aha, an opportunity to tell them about my kid.

I understand that the OP doesn't see this, but it is worth noting this particularly common trope as she begins her journey homeschooling an exceptional child.

I just tell people that we believe that at this age (DS is 5.6) kids should spend most of their time playing and a bare minimum on school academics. And it is true. We really believe that. And nobody ever seems to question it. I just stop the conversation at that and do not go into details of what it is he actually learns at home.
DS spent the first trimester of Kindergarten in public school before we pulled him out and he was bored, wasn't really learning anything, and every single day he was complaining about not being able to play. So now he gets to play Our daily routine is I only ask him to earn 3 rewards in Dreambox learning math, listen to 4 books of his choosing through Reading Rainbow app (he pays a lot better attention to what he's taught when it comes through the iPad or other tech source)and I give him couple choices of activities for fine motor skills (writing or some sort of arts). That's it. Other than that we just discuss whatever his interest of the day is. Yesterday we were talking about how bathroom fittings work because he was fascinated by our dripping faucet ... today it was the workers fixing the asphalt road and the ways they used to do it. We are basically unschooling and he's still far ahead of our friends' kids and the gap seems to be widening. But we don't tell them that

I should add that another thing I usually point out as our reason to homeschool is health issues. With all kinds of allergies DS has, everyone just nods that it makes sense to keep him safe and homeschool.

Thank you all for the supportive comments. I feel fortunate to have a group like you all for a sounding board. While I realize I may never find a friend at the park, adult conversation is something I do need even if it is brief.

@puffin - I used your line yesterday about home school being best for my daughter and I felt like Goldilocks - just right.

@polarbear - I am giving your advice a good think. I will come up with other real reasons we are homeschooling and have them ready

Ok, off to go bungee jumping