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    #244520 12/19/18 12:09 PM
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    Lepa Offline OP
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    I have a quirky third grader. He is very introverted, is socially awkward and has Tourettes. One of his behaviors, which I believe is a tic, is pacing and making explosion noises/gestures. He spends recess pacing alone and making explosive gestures.

    He has a one "best" friend who is new to school this year and with whom he has frequent play dates with but they don't play at recess. At lunch he sits with his friend then they split up when they go outside. The friend plays tag and my son paces. My son feels welcome in the game of tag but he doesn't like tag so he just plays alone. Occasionally he does projects with the gardening teacher, who he adores, or plays dragons with the girls but mostly he does his pacing.

    The teachers aren't concerned, saying he likes playing alone at recess and welcomes the down time. While kids are kind to him at school, he doesn't get invited to play dates or parties and many kids seem to ignore him in group situations. And he ignores them, often spending his time daydreaming.

    I agree that he is choosing to play alone but I worry that his pacing and gestures will alienate him from other kids and now that they are getting older he will start to be teased or shunned. As his best friend has shifted from talking with him at recess to playing with other kids, I worry he will lose his one good friend. He hasn't had a close friendship with anyone in his class over the last couple of years and I have been so happy to see him connect deeply with someone. He has also frequently expressed how important this friendship is to him.

    I am writing because I was at school today and saw my son pacing and it broke my heart. Should I let it go since he isn't bothered by it? My instinct is to talk to him about how the pacing and explosions make him stand out and see if we can find something for him to do that will honor his need for alone time while not creating an additional barrier to connecting with friends and peers. This is also complicated by the fact that the explosions seem to be a tic and, therefore, not something he can control so making him feel self-conscious about it probably isn't the right thing to do.

    FWIW, my husband is a socially awkward, introverted math nerd. Everyone in his family is similar. My son has had social skills interventions and evaluations and we don't believe he has ASD. He is self-confident and happy to spend time alone. When he has one on one play dates he has a wonderful rapport with friends.

    I know I probably sound controlling. It's just been very stressful to navigate my son's social difficulties over the years and I worry about how it will impact him in the coming years. I'm not sure if I should back off or seek help and would love perspective from other parents whose children have had similar experiences.




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    Lepa Offline OP
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    Thanks for the helpful advice. Yes, my son has anxiety and probably some social anxiety, too.

    He loves Minecraft and likes talking about it. But his friend now prefers to play tag instead of standing around talking about minecraft. He also likes Harry Potter and sometimes plays that with some girls if they are playing.

    Last weekend we spent time with another school family and I noticed that my son and their son, who is in the same class, just circled around one another and couldn't engage. Then the other kid pulled out his mom's phone and showed my son a stop motion film he made. They spent the next couple of hours making films together and had a blast. So I think you are right that he needs something to latch onto to help him connect.

    One problem is that he dislikes sports and is a bit clumsy. He'd prefer to talk or play something quiet and imagination/character based. Most of the activities at recess are pretty physical. I've asked the school to restart some recess clubs they had in the past, like "recycycling club" or chess or board games or something that is more structured and quiet.

    Here's a question: how did your son figure out what kids were playing? Should I ask my son to walk around and investigate?

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    The teachers are probably right about him needing some alone down time during recess. Is there any way to meet this need during class time instead. I can only be social at breaks if I work alone at least part of the time.

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    KJP Offline
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    DS11 did/does the same thing. The noises and arm movements were really noticeable when he was younger but they’ve mostly stopped and now he just paces when he does it which is way less than he used to.

    At recess now he plays role playing games with other kids based on books like Harry Potter and Warriors (fifth graders hissing at each other must be hilarious to see).

    Basically he’s outgrowing the quirky part but movement is the way he thinks through stuff and accesses his imagination. Given that a lot of adults go for a walk or run or ride when they have a lot on their mind, I suspect he will be one of those.


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    Could he start a walking club or running club at school? Maybe the school would support building an activity that could collect a group around his preferred outlet?


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    KJP Offline
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    Is he imagining a whole world playing out in his head? That’s what my son does. He calls it “thinking”. He sometimes preferred it to other options especially options like third grade recess games. It wasn’t something he did because felt sad and left out. It was a activity he chose to do because he enjoyed it. Often friends would beg him to come play and he’d say no because he felt like thinking.

    Now he chooses to play or chat with friends most of the time. I think that might be because he’s in an all gifted classroom and one of his friends is a master game organizer. She’s also kind of bossy. She assigns him coveted roles in the games. There are enough book lovers in his class that have read the same series and don’t think it is weird to do role play games based on books.

    I don’t know if he’d still be thinking at recess if he were in a different environment. Maybe he would be. He knows it can look a little weird but he just doesn’t care sometimes. I saw him doing it off on the side of a play field at a daycamp once. I told him he looked strange. He replied, “I know. I enjoy it though and it doesn’t harm anyone. I don’t really care if these people think I’m weird. I haven’t really connected with any of them and probably won’t see them again after this week.”

    If it is the same thing as what my son does, I’d say it might be something he out grows on his own when he’s ready. In the meantime, he might really be enjoying himself.

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    I have an adult relative who paces with gestures like this. He is acting out scenarios while pacing. For him, what keeps it under control and in his seat at work is the high intensity of exercise he does daily. He says that he paces more when he does not run or workout in the gym. I am wondering if enrolling your son in a daily sport that is rigorous like martial arts or swim team might help alleviate the need to pace during recess. It is worth a try and if it does not work, you can either continue with it or drop it as per his preference. Good luck.

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    Lepa Offline OP
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    Yes, @KJP, that's exactly what he's doing. He says, "I live in my head." He is immersed in this fantasy world and acting out scenarios and thinking while he is pacing and making explosions. He doesn't mind that he's doing it alone and says he prefers it to playing most of the games that are happening. There are several gifted kids in his class who read the same books he is into and sometimes play role-playing games based on those books so he does do that on some days.

    If I didn't ask about it, I doubt my son would feel self-conscious about his pacing and gestures. He is not particularly concerned with fitting in. He is remarkably comfortable in his own skin. I think I worry because he hasn't had many friends and, combined with the tics caused by TS, I worry that his recess behavior will further marginalize him or make him the subject of ridicule or mean behavior. I guess I should just calm down. If it starts to make him feel weird AND he starts to care, then he'll stop when he's ready, right?

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    I asked my son what he thought. He sheepishly remembers making loud noises and hopping around when he was younger but says he doesn’t do that anymore. He said any movement will work so now he just paces if he isn’t able to just go for a walk or scooter ride. He also like walking around in the pool.

    He said the important thing is being above to move and not needing to pay too much attention to your surroundings. So he prefers trails, tracks, and the really wide sidewalks in our neighborhood. On family hikes he’s usually in the back and has remarkable stamina. We reach the end and it is like he’s looking up from a book. We are sucking air and he’s all “That was a nice walk. What a nice view up here!”

    You might read up on maladaptive daydreaming. It isn’t a recognized “thing” but there have been times I thought his “thinking” was excessive and kept him busy and not able to do it so much.

    He said there are probably other kids at your son’s school that do it. He rattled off a list and basically he has never been the only one at his schools.

    I didn’t get much else out of him. He was going on a scooter ride. 😀

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    Lepa Offline OP
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    @ KJP: You are so sweet (and your son is, too!) It's so valuable to have the perspective of someone who has been through something similar. Thank you!


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