Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion unmotivated...(long)

Hi All,

We have had quite the time with my almost 16 year old son. He was placed in gifted programming (public school) in 5th grade. He started being bullied for being "smart" in 3rd grade, it escalated to physical violence (after months of torment) in 7th grade and we had to move schools.

Our school district has a strict policy regarding reassignment, and though they moved him (due to the assault) in 7th grade and 8th grade, they denied our request to keep him in the same school track for high school. Rather than send him back to his tormentors, we put him in private school for a year, and though he thrived academically, he was miserable socially.
After many hours of begging and pleading, I got him switched back to the preferred school for 10th grade. He has been happy with his small group of friends, has an overall A average, but refused to do any extracurricular activities like Quiz Bowl, Key Club, Golf or Art Club, even though these are things he enjoyed previously.

Today, I told him that I had signed him up for an ACT prep course at the local Community College. He has been pouting and huffing and puffing ever since.
He would be perfectly happy to sit in this house all summer long and talk to friends online or play video games. He has a summer Art job lined up, painting murals at an event center and has turned his nose up at any volunteer activities I have tried to arrange.

I am a super motivated and involved person and I just don't know how to deal with what I feel is total laziness.
I am glad that he is relaxed and not on edge, but I want to see him excited about something that will benefit him.

Am I being pushy? Should I just back off and accept that he doesn't WANT to stand out? I get it, after what he went through.

I'm so confused.

I don't have teenagers yet, but your son reminds me of how my brother was in high school. I think to a certain point it's pretty typical high school behavior. Anything you, as a parent, suggest is automatically not an appealing idea. The harder my parents tried to plan things for us to do, the more we resisted.

One thing I remember my parents doing that worked well with my brother and I was encouraging us to invite a friend. They would find some activity or day trip that we would usually have protested about, but if we got to bring a friend along, it was suddenly a good idea. I know that doesn't help in terms of volunteer activities, but you never know, you may be able to convince a friend that the two of them doing that together, or a club next year together, would be fun.

Your mileage may vary with this tactic, but for years we've found that if we introduce the idea of something and ask for an immediate decision, we will often get resistance and "no" for an answer. If we introduce the idea, maybe briefly discuss it, but don't ask for (or even hint that we want) an answer - often our DD15 will come around to the idea after she has had time to mull it over. Sometimes we'll even bring something up right before we have to go somewhere or do something else, so "oops, let's finish talking about this later." Then, a couple of days later when it is brought up, DD is suddenly much more open to it. Other times we'll start the conversation with "You don't have to make a decision now, but have you thought about..."

I don't know if it is a fear of change that causes the quick rejection? Or if the bad aspects/worst case scenarios are the first to come to mind? Maybe it is related to perfectionism, and our DD says "no" because she is not already an expert at whatever it is? For some reason, bringing it up, pausing, and revisiting it later yields a much higher number of "yes" answers.

Best of luck,
--S.F.

Mom2R&R is right...if a parent suggests something, the kid will typically reject the idea. I have three girls, ages 11, 18 and 20 (soon to be 12, 19 and 21). The eldest has finally admitted that she wished she had taken some of our past suggestions. Middle kid watches plenty of Netflix, much more than we would like. However, she does do other stuff - she'll continue her part-time job that she has had for the past year (about 20 hours a week in summer, 10-15 hours a week during school). She'll also play her sixth (and last) summer of travel softball. She heads off to college this fall. During the school year, she played a fall and spring varsity sport, and she was on the board of a non-profit...but still managed to watch a lot of Netflix.

It sounds like he does have something to do this summer - painting murals - so perhaps he might be interested in other art activities? If he likes video games, does he also like to code? Maybe could develop an app?

Does he really need the ACT prep class or will he be bored by it? If he hasn't tried a practice test, maybe have him take one. My two older ones refused to prep for the ACT (we are in an area where the SAT is favored), so they did one practice test the week before the test. Their "red book" ACT practice test scores were the same as their real test scores. They aren't off the charts, PG types, but got 98th and 99th percentile scores with only one practice test, so prep might be a waste of his time.

Maybe next year's classes have summer assignments? Some of those have been pretty lengthy, so they could occupy some of his time too.

So let me rephrase what I'm hearing, just to make sure I'm not misunderstanding:

Despite serious bullying, up to and including physical assault, your son is now: happy with good social connections, getting good grades, and has a creative summer job lined up.

I'm sorry, but I'm a little unclear as to what the problem is?

My suggestion is to trust that he will find his preferences and passions on his own and enjoy your relaxed and happy son.

-- Mom who'd give anything to have a summer off to just hang around the house relaxing and who's dealing with a unhappy/lonely/anxious soon to be high school freshman.

Is he at the same school (or the high school version of it) where the bullying occurred? If so, I wouldn't want to participate in anything extra there, either. I would be happy with my trusted group of friends and avoid anything that might mean running into those people again.

Also, you don't need to answer this publicly, but did he get any counseling or other help when these traumas occurred? I ask because I have a close, highly gifted family member who experienced some bad workplace bullying and it really killed his enthusiasm for workplaces for many years. (He didn't get help, just left the situation. It's only in hindsight that his actions since that time make sense to him.)

Does he have a guidance counselor in school? If so perhaps the counselor can suggest some extracurricular activities for him during the year. Looks like he has summer sorted.

Perhaps he will be more motivated hearing the suggestions from a counselor instead of his parent. Since he is in 10th grade he most likely knows where his interests and passions lie, perhaps he will share this with the counselor if not with a parent.He may be unaware that colleges and universities expect to see evidence of a student's participation in extracurricular activities as well as good grades.

At that age I did orchard work 40 hours a week in the summer. When not doing that we read, talked, listened to music and occasionally watched TV.

Since he is not being reclusive and you didn't mention a financial need to work I would relax. Leave info about interesting stuff lying round and see what happens but let him rest,relax and enjoy having a few friends.

As the parent of a 17 year old rising senior. I'd disagree with this statement. I think many 10th graders are still trying to find where their passion lies.

ON the other hand I agree that he may be unaware of the details universities look for in the admissions process. Have you taken your son on a college visit. I'd highly recommend this. You don't necessarily have to go far, nor look at one with a perfect fit. You are just shopping. Took my son to his first tour the beginning of last summer. It really opened his eyes as to what he needed to accomplish to get into university.

Talk this over with your son about what he should accomplish & how busy he is over the summer. Work through some goals. Think before you have this discussion what are your goals for him this summer, and let him define his? Is this about his getting outside of the house? Getting enough exercise? Spending too much time in front of the computer/electronics? Hanging out with other kids?

If he doesn't buy into the ACT class. It's probably not going to be helpful. I tried a writing program for my son the summer he was a rising 10th grade and it was a HUGE flop. Had to pull him out, we compromised by making him write in a journal all summer. As a gifted kid does he really need ACT class? Could you compromise with his doing an amount of self-study?

Keep in mind that teens these days seem to hang out with each other in person a LOT less frequently than I used to when I was this age. They play games over the internet & spend time in chat rooms. Your son is by far the only kid out there that seems to want to spend all his free time online or on computer games. When my DS is just home & all he wants to do is spend time online, I require him to at least go outside and do something physical for at least an hour. (Swim, bike, run, hike..) My son is busy for the summer, but a large portion of it is going to a wilderness camp where he is outside, away from electronics, and not at home.

I'm laughing because he sounds like a totally normal teen! Who does like SAT prep?? I sure didn't. Tell him he needs to go and the "reward" is if he does well that he will only have to take the test once and study for it once. This did motivate me and I only took it once while many of my friends took test after test and studied for months on end.