Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Gifted teens and suicide

http://espn.go.com/espn/feature/sto...nnsylvania-runner-showed-only-part-story

The loss is tragic, however it is not clear from the article whether she was "gifted", in the context of this forum. The article mentions perfectionism and depression, but the only reference to being gifted is related to others' misattribution of her track prowess - others being unaware of how much practice went into her athletic performance:
Persons concerned with suicide amongst the gifted may wish to read about the impetus for founding SENG.

Many insightful articles are found with a search for "suicide" on the Davidson Database.

Well, she had a 3.5 at Penn her first semester, as a college athlete. I think it unlikely that she was *not* gifted in the context of this forum.

The point is very well-made that for the younger generation of people-- particularly young women-- the IMAGE of perfection that social media bombards them with is a powerful, narcotic, and TOXIC force.

Those with perfectionistic children should read that very sobering and heartbreaking account.

I know kids like that girl. So does my DD.

I see echoes of what my DD and her friends have gone through in their first year at Uni in that write-up. It's very troubling.



Colleges may know that they have a "suicide problem" but precious few of them are doing much to stem the tide.

THIS is the ultimate destination on the college-admissions crazy train. I firmly believe that. NO kind of real-life experience can possibly match the expectations that are generated along that route. The pressure placed on college entrants now is downright scary.

Never forget that no matter how talented, how gifted-- teenagers are really still so young, in so many ways. They are still children, and we're (meaning as a culture) placing a pretty heavy burden on them, and then reinforcing it with social media and the subscription to college admissions mania. Think about what that admissions game is like now-- truly think about it. NOTHING is ever "enough" and kids as young as-- well, even some of the early elementary kids whose parents are here, for example-- are already into "managing" their children's resumes for this purpose. We do so by editing what they show the world of themselves-- by picking and choosing those things which show them to best advantage, the closest to "perfect" that can be presented as a collage, with all of the less-stellar and average (or, heaven forbid, below average) bits edited OUT. Think about super-scoring, even, for an example of what I'm driving at there.

We've managed their growing up years by grooming them to APPEAR always at their best, emphasized high performance to them, ensured that all is "within reach" all of the time both academically and otherwise, meaning that success or failure is ALWAYS a matter of personal effort or ability. Their lives are engineered to teach them that perfect is both attainable-- and REQUIRED. That if they don't achieve at high levels, it's a failure and that it's because of something wrong with THEM, since, after all, their lives are often engineered so that this is fundamentally more or less TRUE.

Then they enter college and it just isn't so. The most capable and insightful among them are the most prone to unraveling at that point, because existential dissonance is so extreme for them in particular. That gap has grown a LOT larger than it was in the 1960's-1990's when their parents were growing up.

No wonder a few pithy "it's okay" platitudes and 40 minutes once a week with a counselor that grew up in another era don't do much for this problem.

College used to be a great way to "figure it all out" and to grow up. NOW, we expect them to have (somehow) done all of that exploration* before they get there.

Nobody can really expect to graduate in 4y if they don't:
1) go in with preexisting credits (that way you can get priority registration** so that you can get INTO the classes you need), and

2) already know what they intend as a college major.

The general education core at US institutions now leaves very few credits to play around with along the way to finding your passion.

In talking with other parents of kids this age-- a shocking number of them are going into college without knowing what they want to get out of it, and many without any idea what they want to major in, even. The entire focus has been on Getting Into a Fabulous College. Winning! (As JonLaw might put it).


Then no magical Disney moment happens-- they don't suddenly KNOW by virtue of arrival on a college campus. Not knowing-- how can they possibly have motivation to work that hard for something that doesn't even exist in their minds? Then they experience failure as a result of the gap in their preparation versus the new demands upon them (and for some of them, it's the first time). And because they've been conditioned to hide imperfections-- they can't or won't tell anyone.

All of this LOOKS very much like generalized anxiety or garden variety depression, of course-- and on some level I suppose that it is. But I'd characterize it as an existential crisis instead. The response isn't an irrational one given the inputs they have: a) I must be perfect, b) I can no longer be perfect, c) it doesn't even matter what I do and I have no time/energy/information to consider it anyway, and d) I can't get out of this.

Sorry if I sound bitter here-- it's just that this system is SO broken-- and it's broken from absolutely top to bottom.


* Of course, this is incompatible with the production of a stellar and focused RESUME, which means heavy editing and polishing to the point of outright fabrication in some instances... or accepting that Very Elite College isn't where you're bound, which is intolerable as that means Failure Writ Large.


** The other routes to priority registration are team athletics or a disability waiver. FYI.

If one considers college admissions as a self-advocacy effort whose goal is to find the best (or least worst) "fit," then collecting documentation through the years may provide a clear picture of one's interests, pursuits, passion(s), and strengths (both for self-awareness and also to present one's self to an institution for their consideration as to whether they perceive a "match")... then it may be a low-key, stress-free, stepwise approach to preparing for that self-advocacy. Parents often may help collect such documentation when children are young, and ideally a child gradually takes ownership of this process as they develop their interests, independence, organizational abilities, and sense of self-determination.

Some may say that success or failure may also be a matter of perspective, resiliency, ability to learn from mistakes, and/or growth mindset (as opposed to fixed mindset).

Some may say this not related to LOG per se, but rather related to preparation such as prior experience handling challenges and overcoming them, learning from mistakes, developing "grit," achieving personal goals, valuing their personal best (as opposed to fluctuating in self-esteem by frequent comparison with others), striving for balance, and cultivating a long-term perspective.

Just the title of this thread made me shudder and hesitate before opening it to read it.

The sudden shock of actual challenge for the first time in her life with a scholarship on the line too cannot have helped.

This was a local story here with my DD one day heading to the same high school so this struck a chord with me.

Dad shares that high school was too easy for her...

This has reaffirmed my resolve to keep my DD challenged.

My high school son says most of his high school classes are too easy-- some content, some pace, some both. No clue how to fix it for him.

My elementary school son said the other day that he should have just attended the even years (k,2, and 4) and skipped all the odd...any resulting gaps would have finally made something hard. What does one say to that and how does one make sure middle school isn't the same.

Following on Howler's commentary about a lack of direction in university, children are streamlined to such a degree into activities that are CV-enhancing that they miss out on the opportunity to explore true interests, read widely, experience downtime, think, and meet people from a variety of walks of life. Finding one's life path comes from the lived experience, not some hermetically sealed vacuum tube connected to an Ivy with an on-ramp at grade 1 (or earlier!) They're driving toward some arbitrary goal with absolutely no perspective on what it contributes to society or themselves. It's terribly sad.

On a more personal note, this story struck me deeply. There is a history of depression in DS' extended family, and of giftedness on both sides. I am actively trying to create an environment for DS where he will have the supports and role models he needs to develop a healthy internal monologue and life habits as he grows up. I want to consciously model struggle and failure around personally meaningful goals to him as he grows up so that he learns how people--even outwardly successful ones-- pick up the pieces of a shattered dream, be it personal or professional, and pivot toward a new path.

I fully plan to have DH and I share with him our personal and professional failures when appropriate. He needs to know that marriage, work, health (physical, mental, spiritual) are the product of grit, struggle, and learning. When the passion in any of these areas inevitably wanes, success boils down to a sequence of small habits repeated consistently over time that center on a guiding set of values.

I wonder how Madison's story might have been different if her parents had encouraged her strongly to withdraw for a semester (or longer) to regroup or to significantly reduce her courseload, not just transfer. I wonder if she would have felt so trapped if someone had told her that she could scale back until she found her comfort zone. She might well have learned the ropes after a few months and been able to happily sustain her load with a more gentle easing into university. I had a humdinger of a first semester at university as a young matriculant taking extra credits and starting in second year (thankfully I had the presence of mind--or lack of intestinal fortitude-- not to do varsity fencing, which required 30 hours of training per week!). I needed to learn how to live in a new environment that presented some challenge before thriving, eventually with a relatively low level of effort again. It was a season that passed quickly, and I suspect Madison could have experienced similar success if she had been allowed to admit she was overburdened and unhappy.