Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Do intelligent people make others feel inadequate?

I don't think I am gifted but consider myself highly intelligent. It takes me less time to see through a situation and come up with a solution than those around me. People around me generally respect my insight. However, I have learnt lately that many people, both at work and personal life, are intimidated by me. (Well, one person admitted it to me so I started asking others and it was a general consensus). I never would do anything to make people feel insecure so not sure what I can do to make people more comfortable around me. Anyone else realize this is an issue and any ideas on how to deal with this?

Well, for me, the gloves mostly only come off in an emergency or if I'm with others who can keep up. Otherwise in group problem solving, I lead through questions. But it is a style I developed starting in like third grade, and am constantly revising.

Much of such things can come from verbal and non-verbal cues. Like what do you do when you become highly engaged in a topic or have a solution? I've known myself to send off some intense vibes, like sitting on the edge of my seat, leaning forward, reduced blinking, raised voice volume. Or if you are in hot pursuit of an answer, are you firing off a series of questions to different people?

Do you by habit correct people (grammar, minor factual points, logic flaws)? Correcting intimidates people, and some people just do it without thinking and with the belief they are being helpful. Though in practice it tends to stifle and make people anxious and unconfident.

It's a rough balancing act, as if you go too far the other way then you can waste a lot of effort contextualizing solutions to build trust.

Personally, I don't think you should hide your gifts. I'm not gifted myself, teach my young son that everyone has things that they do well, and we should notice those qualities in others with appreciation. For instance, a friend may be an excellent artist, or may be especially kind.

At a young age, we talk about context. For instance, if you're in the first grade and working on hard math problems, it's okay, and it's okay if others notice (we don't have to hide). It's also okay if someone asks you what you're working on in math, and you answer honestly.

Bragging and showing off is what happens out of context- the need to "one up" another person with our abilities, or to describe our abilities on the playground or in the lunchroom when it's not being discussed. We say in our house "smart is as smart does." People notice our skills and intelligence, by what we contribute, not by what we say about ourselves.

If people are intimidated by your intellect it truly is their problem. If your intellect is something that you use against other people to make them feel inadequate (for instance, belittling or berating others who may not "get it" as fast as you), then it's something you would want to change.

You seem sincere and kind- my thoughts are that we can be humble without hiding our abilities to fit in or to make others feel more comfortable.

I get this a lot. I use some of the same methods Zen describes to avoid coming across as too pushy. Except when it's obvious I should be taking the lead, I generally try not to unless it's obvious that there's a leadership vacuum, and then I fill that vacuum.

In a collaborative situation, I deliberately avoid making firm declarative statements. Unless I'm 100% sure of a fact, I'll start off by saying, "My understanding is that...", partly because I'm genuinely interested if anyone has more information on the subject. When we're looking for a decision, I'll be careful to paint my input as an opinion, and if anyone has a different opinion, I'm fine with that.

I use some of these same tactics here on this board. For instance, when it comes to parenting advice, I generally share anecdotes about what works in my individual situation, and "This is what I would do, based on the information shared so far..."

And yet, here among fellow gifted parents, I've been told that I can come across to people as something of a bully. I've also seen that sentiment expressed towards at least one other poster, who does not come across as a bully in my opinion.

Ultimately, you can't control how other people feel, so it's really not in your hands.

cammom, you made me smile so thank you. ZS and Dude, I follow the same strategies as you do. However, it is hard for me to sit in a meeting and not throw in my observations when I feel like people may not be seeing the thing in proper light. I do it gently and always as "just my understanding or just a crazy thought", but often times it is a perspective that is different from others. I know that I am good at what I do and that not many people can do what I do. However, I also know what others on the team are good at and that I am not that great at. I have no problem asking for advice and receiving input/criticism. However, most often than not, I end up being right. I can see how that would make others feel insecure. I know that I can't change how people handle their insecurities. However, I can't not care because it affects my relationship with these people, especially those in my personal circle. Hence my post. Has anyone tried any kind of therapy to help see oneself from another's perspective and modify how you react? Any good book suggestions?

Yes!!

Often, though, what I (or DH) consider "emergency" involves the level of risk, not the temporal imminence of the threat, if that makes sense.

I know that I can come off as abrasive sometimes when I do that. But I figure that I can live with that, and I can't live with someone following the stupid-train when it stops at brain damage or possible fatality to their kids or themselves.

I just know going in that opening my mouth is going to blow my cover and make me seem like a horrible, pushy person.



As Dude notes, you ultimately can't control it. It's a zero sum game on some level-- either you get to be YOU, speed, insights and all, or they get to feel cozy about you, even though you're clearly way different from them.

The latter only works when I'm willing to hide some of the 'shine' from the brain. KWIM? As soon as I unmask-- I make others insecure. It is what it is, and communication style alone doesn't change their own SELF-perceptions, which seem to be at the root of the problem.

I second Zen Scanner on the intense vibes thing.

I used to wonder about the pull-back from people when I'm passionate about a topic, but have since realized I also tend to raise my voice, gaze intently, and also gesticulate in a jerky manner. (I feel the topic, so this comes naturally.) Now when I find myself becoming overwhelming, and see the beginning of pull-back, I take a deep breath, look down and forcibly will myself to R-E-L-A-X. I've discovered by just doing this it gives the other person some sort of "psychic space" and often they will continue the conversation.

I also have learned to smile more! When one is smiling, one is not dominating the conversation. I find that alone makes others more comfortable.

You may enjoy reading these blogs of Rajesh's and others he has written about smart people.

7 Reasons Why Some Smart People Criticize Others

7 Reasons Why MANY Smart People Have Trouble Communicating Their Ideas