Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Supporting the introverted child

DS23mo is a classic introvert and needs time and space to warm to new activities and environments. In group settings, he prefers to sit to the sidelines and observe carefully, as though he is internalizing the activity and harmonizing himself with it.

When presented with new activities, even one-on-one with me, he prefers to see the process from start to finish before actively engaging. Then, once his understanding of the activity or concept is well formed, he dives in confidently and enthusiastically and performs effectively flawlessly.

At home, this poses no problem. DH and I simply respect whatever boundaries DS sets and let him determine his own pace. I do try to encourage attempting challenging activities before mastery because I believe persistence is a valuable trait to inoculate against perfectionism.

Where the situation gets sticky is in group activities around young children (say, aged 2 to 4). The problems that arise tend to fall into these camps:

1. DS senses someone has invaded his personal space and feels threatened.

2. Other child is eager to play with DS and/or his toy, while DS would prefer to be alone or take time to warm up to the child before socializing.

3. DS is bothered by lots of movement and noise made by people around him when in relatively enclosed spaces.

I'm realizing how ingrained the expectation of extraversion is in western socialization. I can commiserate with all 3 situations, so much so that I'm beginning to question my self-concept as an extrovert.

DS has considerable verbal fluency, so we've been working on talking through his feelings and desires when other children. But at 2-4, not many children understand his requests, let alone respect them. He will say things like:

"I need more space please."

"I don't want to play, thank you."

"Please don't touch me."

"I am using my [insert toy]. You can't have it."

"Please go away."

Yesterday poor DS became inconsolable when two little boys began following him around the park trying to (not maliciously) take his toy away. He went through all the language above, then turned to me and began crying. The other parents had such little control over their children, even when I confronted them, that DS and I had to leave to give him the space he needed. This was after I had to physically prevent them from reaching DS.

We had a discussion on the walk to a quieter park about how it's okay to withdraw from an over-stimulating situation, and I explained to him that other young children are just learning to talk and may not understand him. I encouraged him to continue to use his words and praised him effusively for speaking his needs plainly and respectfully. He really was clear.

Any recommendations from veterans on managing respect for introverts in the outside world would be terrific. I'd also be keen to hear of any books on raising introverts that you folks might recommend.

Thanks so much!

Thanks for the great feedback, Portia. We have him enrolled in swimming and a general ball sports class, which give him two half hour sessions each week around age-peers in the sort of environment you describe.

As always, I appreciate your sensitive insights and will be putting your recommendations into practice.

I'm in awe of you and your child, how naturally you've analyzed and accommodate his needs, and teach him strategies to self-advocate... and how naturally he employs these techniques, even at a young age. Have you considered suggesting that your son try the simple words, "Stop", "No", and even calling "Help!" when others may not respond to more complete communication? Often children may understand this, even with limited vocabulary, or limited English. Adults within earshot may also get a clear picture of what is going on.

Meanwhile I'm sorry to hear that other children would not back off, and may have been unresponsive to their parents (or the parents were unresponsive to the situation). Not to make excuses, but it is possible these children may have ADD/ADHD or other diagnoses in their future and their parents may be overwhelmed and out of ideas other than to let their children run and play in the park until they are exhausted.

I share the following to encourage you in the important task of helping your son maintain control of his physical space. It is my understanding that in daycare, preschool, playground, etc it is most often the children with limited vocabulary, frustrated and unable to express themselves, who tend to bite other children as a means of communicating their displeasure. Unfortunate illnesses can be spread by a bite, and institutions tend to protect the identity and medical history of the biter.

Most likely you lifted your son and whisked him away to "physically prevent them from reaching DS"... this is wise as in general parents may not touch another person's child. Some may allege assault.

I will also be interested to see what books others may have to recommend for raising introverts.

Mine is not an introvert, Aquinas, but is highly verbal and began having "group" issues in Bible class at 8 mo. The other children grabbed at him and babbled. He used words and was truly frightened and horrified at their interaction. It was really hard at that point because we couldn't reason through it together.

It has been a long road to 7yrs old and we did have to make careful choices in friends and sometimes environments. Both of us prefer to avoid crowds. Smaller groups work better. For my child, getting involved with a MOMS club (Moms Offering Moms Support--stay at home mother group) and finding other bright children with ATTENTIVE parents helped the most.

The other mothers bridged the development gaps when my son verbalized his needs to their children and theirs did not respond. I really think the key is the other parents at this age. Some are working hard on socializing and training their children well.... others just want a break and tune out.

I agree with Portia though that this improves as the NT kids begin to develop more.

Thanks indigo, for your kind words and suggestions. I spend about 96% of DS' waking time with him, so I've become somewhat attuned to him.

I really like your suggestion about simple one-word responses. All this time, I've been focusing on how to have DS communicate effectively, but I failed to appreciate the very real communication barrier between DS and his age-mates. It's no wonder he gets so frustrated at the impasse. That suggestion is more attention-getting.

The other day, a parent actually laughed and commented on "how cute" DS was when he cried and said, "I need more space." Call me a stodgy old stick, but I said, "He's not being cute, he's afraid and is trying to protect himself." I think most parents who hear him self-advocate almost don't believe what they're hearing and get caught up in a did-he-just-say-that loop. Ugh!!! Try listening and respecting his request, parents!

ITA about not prejudging others' children or touching them. How children behave at a given point in time is influenced by so many factors to which I'm not privvy, so I try to assume the best. One of the little boys was being a genuinely friendly, if somewhat clingy, natural extrovert.

I will use my body as a passive barrier between another child and DS, but I actively avoid touching the other child for exactly the reasons you mention, even if only a gentle redirecting pat on the elbow is needed. I'd prefer not to do this wherever possible because I think it sends a subtle message to DS that he needs to be protected from other children.

HappilyMom, "frightened and horrified" about sums it up.

I'm of the same opinion that this mostly boils down to parents. Where we are, I'm in the extreme minority as a full-time SAHM. Most young children near us have nannies, even if the mothers stay home, and the vast majority of the nannies and parents turn the children loose while using smartphones (iNannies and iParents, to use an expression Dude and I co-coined).

I signed up for some activities with DS this year in the hopes of finding like-minded parents, but the search is proving less successful than I'd hoped. I'm going to look into MOMS to see if we have a local chapter. We're losing our favourite playmates, who are returning to Spain after a year long sabbatical by the oncologist wife at a local hospital, and their family is leaving some big shoes to fill.

hi aquinas! i'm a bit late to the thread, but i wanted to chime in because it all sounds sooooo familiar!

when DD5 was your son's age, she also had many of these issues. it really puzzled me at the time, because it seemed like she was a complete magnet for too-much/too-close/too-aggressive attention. she did all the stuff your DS has done to try to explain to the other kids that she needed time and space, but no matter how clear she was, she still routinely needed adult intervention. as it turned out, the kids (even the 6 year olds at her Montessori) were simply too small to really hear her.

Pre-K was, unfortunately, more of the same. every single kid seemed to think that DD was her One True Friend, and yet at the same time DD reported feeling completely isolated, frustrated and angry. the good news is that her dance buddies (8ish) are a whole other story. they get her - and she gets them, so like HappilyMom said, the early years really were very difficult.

during that awful time, we did manage to befriend a family with kids in a range of ages - we didn't do it on purpose, but if i could have planned it, i would have! the beauty of a whole mess of kids is that everyone could take turns playing together and it frankly seemed a bit more natural than trying to forge a friendship between my 2 y/o and a 6 y/o from school!

oh! and i just remembered an observation DD once made about "park friends" that might help. she said that park friends are not the same as real friends. they can be ok to play with, but you don't know each other well enough to know what might upset the other person. over time, i've seen her use this insight to get over conflicts that she didn't see coming - and i think it has helped her a lot. of course, she's totally given up on age-peers at this point, so her new park strategy simply involves finding a younger kid to "play" with as a gateway to chatting up the parent(s). your DS is a bit young to employ that one yet, but... maybe next year? he'll totally be the big kid to all the 2 year olds playing in the sandbox with their parents!

and btw - i completely empathize with you on that "cute" comment - DD used to announce she needed to "go away to manage her feelings" in that kind of situation and i've seen a few of those responses, too. they made me want to SCREAM!

doubtfulguest, I'm so glad to hear your thoughts, but am sorry your DD had a similar experience. I need a red phone here with a direct line to you sometimes, it seems.

I'm now starting to appreciate the logic of parents of HG+ children having another child, in part, so the firstborn has a natural playmate. (A LOT of assumptions feed into that statement, though.) I reached out to some local homeschooling groups to see if we could join them on some excursions and was told DS was too young to participate. I was surprised.

The logical part of me wants to keep actively searching for like-minded families, but the solitude-loving part of me recoils at the thought of having to make nice with more insensitive parents. Your daughter's apt insight on "park friends" sums up how I feel about most social interaction. No wonder DS feels the way he does! Time for me to step outside my comfort zone, I guess!!

oh, yes, what a beautiful thing that is to see, isn't it! way back in the day, it warmed my heart every time i'd heard from the teachers at Montessori that DD had spread her little arms in the playground and clearly stated, "DO NOT TOUCH MY BODY!" i used to joke that these boundaries were good training for being a teenager... but all jokes aside, it's just so key for kids (and especially introverts, who may prioritize blending in) to really know their own minds.

hee! that's lovely. red phone/PM me anytime!

and yeah - now that i'm homeschooling anyway, i frequently think "if i'd had another..." but honestly, this one was ENOUGH. i rarely say this (thought i think i have to y'all here) the main reason we didn't have two is that this one is beyond exhausting. i was so relieved when i started to research giftedness that the high-intensity is a real thing - for years, i thought i was just really weak!