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    Joined: May 2011
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    I'm curious how many have high achievement relatives who perhaps look upon an identified gifted family member with amusement (at best), or disdain (at worst)?

    What conversations have you had within your family about both, if any.



    Last edited by Ametrine; 05/02/13 06:05 PM.
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    Interesting question. Not so much of a high achiever family here. DH was adopted and his sisters were pretty much work really hard to get a C and B students. We get disdain from one sister and it has strained our relationship for sure. We don't really talk at all about DD. She flat out said when we went to eat with the whole family and DD was 2 and picked up the menu and read and ordered what she wanted "well I would rather have an average kid over a gifted kid anyday." She would say disparaging remarks about dd in front of her, and told me the only reason DD knew the things she did was "because you answer her questions." Well, yes I do, it's called be a parent. Now we live across the country from DH's relatives and haven't seen his sisters in almost 3 years. I can't imagine dealing with it all the time.


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    This is more of a problem with LOW achievement relatives, truthfully.

    My paternal relatives have all been EXTREMELY supportive. Including the emeritus mathematics chair of a public university, who comments that my DD is "just like" my father, and shares my regret that he didn't have a chance to know her. The two of them could have shared SO much about how it is to view the world through a PG lens.



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    I don't think achievement ranking factors in for my family. Some of my family is really accepting and nurturing of Emily and her intelligence and will openly praise her and talk about it with me without making me feel defensive.

    Some of my family defends their children to me without me even saying anything to instigate it and this makes it uncomfortable for me because I don't see this as a competition in any way shape or form.

    I don't think I am gifted, but I think DH and I are both high achievers and the actual problem I have from being a high achiever who was never recognized as one, is that I had (have) a hard time determining whether or not DD is gifted because for along time, I just assumed every kid was like her and she was normal. When she got into school, I fully realized she was definitely not normal.

    Last edited by kelly0523; 05/03/13 05:07 AM.
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    Originally Posted by kelly0523
    I just assumed every kid was like her and she was normal. When she got into school, I fully realized she was definitely not normal.

    ha - i'll second that! DD5 is our only kid, so we appealed a lot to our parents when we had questions - and they said she's just like we were as kids. so we hummed along in our delusional bubble for years, simply enjoying our lively little bean without a care in the world. but this year she hit Jr. K., and i have to say it's been quite an education for me! (ha - if not for her.)

    so our family is totally cool with her (exhausted, but cool.) it's friends of the family and the parents of her peers that are the hardest to work with. i try very hard to be as circumspect as possible, but everyone knows we have issues, so i do get a lot of judgment for going the extra mile for DD when the prevailing perception is that her intelligence should take care of itself.


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    Originally Posted by amazedmom
    ...She would say disparaging remarks about dd in front of her, and told me the only reason DD knew the things she did was "because you answer her questions." Well, yes I do, it's called be a parent.

    Aren't you amazed by so-called parents who "dumb-down" their children like that?

    When DS was just able to sit up in a shopping cart and look at something other than overhead lights, I would talk-talk-talk to him about what I was buying, pointing out prices, naming the product and saying if it was a protein, carbohydrate, etc.

    When he was a toddler, he'd want to find all the emergency exits and ooh-and-ahh over them. He wanted to know what they were and I explained to him the whole thing.

    Yes...I look at little ones in the stores and wonder why the parents act like they are brainless blobs. Even before I knew DS was gifted, I always treated him as if he were able to understand years beyond what the baby books said was possible.

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    Here's my long-winded experience:

    I had this issue with my in-laws, though I wouldn't call them high-achieving per se (a GP and a lawyer turned home-maker), just professional class. The limited extent of DH's family's interaction is directed at propping up my father-in-law's cavernous inferiority complex. He's a legend in his own mind and has taught his family to be threatened by intelligence in others. Not pretty.

    When my son first presented conspicuous signs of giftedness, like speaking in short phrases (like "read book" and "I love you") at 5 months, I was met with incredulity and outright scorn from my in-laws. I took a "water seeks its own level" approach and have let DS' precocity speak for itself while limiting our interactions. I just don't have the patience to suffer fools.

    Suffice it to say, my in-laws have been blown away and forced to eat their words, though I think they *still* haven't adapted to the pace and level of interaction my son needs. They infantilize.

    ---
    For example, when playing with some trains with DS, a broken piece had to be removed from the set.

    MIL said, "The train has an owie and has to go to the doctor."

    *DS looks at her, perplexed*

    I corrected her, "No. The axle on the locomotive is broken. It's being decommissioned and needs to be hauled to the roundhouse to be repaired by a mechanic; in this case, Mummy."

    ---
    Another example: my mother-in-law visited us briefly this week and was having trouble opening a collapsing seat that we keep in a storage closet. DS18mo figured out the mechanism and set up her chair for her, never before having seen it. I noticed her diction was more elevated after that...
    ---

    So, I guess to sum up my experiences, I speak to my son like a peer and assume he can do and understand anything with sufficient explanation. My in-laws tend to infantilize him, but I think they're genuinely trying to meet him at his level and just need to let go of their insecurities.

    There's still an undertone of his being a "pet" or fascination to them, so I'm cautious to ensure their messaging never crosses over to "we love you because you're X or because you do X." That was the messaging my DH heard as a child, and it has been the root of considerable anguish for him throughout his life. In our house, the rule is that love is unconditional, and I expect extended family and friends to honour that code.

    I have to crack the whip and tell people to stop quizzing him most visits, though I'm experimenting with a few ground-rule reminders at the beginning of visits. I want my son to value his mind and find joy in lifelong learning, but not be constrained by a self-limiting view of himself as being "only" intelligent.

    Frankly, I'm relatively new at this parenting game, so I could probably benefit from *your* advice, Ametrine.

    Last edited by aquinas; 05/04/13 08:01 PM.

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    Originally Posted by Ametrine
    Originally Posted by amazedmom
    ...She would say disparaging remarks about dd in front of her, and told me the only reason DD knew the things she did was "because you answer her questions." Well, yes I do, it's called be a parent.

    Aren't you amazed by so-called parents who "dumb-down" their children like that?

    Yes...I look at little ones in the stores and wonder why the parents act like they are brainless blobs. Even before I knew DS was gifted, I always treated him as if he were able to understand years beyond what the baby books said was possible.

    Yes! A child's mind is so receptive and inquisitive. It's a real disservice to any child-- gifted or otherwise--not to offer an immersive, engaging environment. I wish more people understood that deprivation of intellectual stimulation is the mental equivalent of withholding food to children. They need all-encompassing nourishment and nurturing. Aargh!!

    I'll get off my soap box now...


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    Originally Posted by doubtfulguest
    Originally Posted by kelly0523
    I just assumed every kid was like her and she was normal. When she got into school, I fully realized she was definitely not normal.

    ha - i'll second that!

    I'll third that smile

    In our family there isn't any kind of disdain re: the gifted vs. high achievers. I think this is partially because some are both (not me - I'm a gifted low achiever, lol). We all just kind of support each other and cheer each other on.

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    Originally Posted by aquinas
    It's a real disservice to any child-- gifted or otherwise--not to offer an immersive, engaging environment. I wish more people understood that deprivation of intellectual stimulation is the mental equivalent of withholding food to children. They need all-encompassing nourishment and nurturing. Aargh!!

    Just thinking this through, though:

    If you look at the history of parenting, even parenting kids who turn out to contribute brilliantly to society, "all-encompassing nurturing" is extremely unusual. It's a trend of our time, but didn't exist much before now.

    When I grew up it was normal to be turned loose to play outside for long periods; nobody thought my mother was failing to nurture me by not talking to me 15 hours a day. In some societies, they have the 6-year-olds doing a lot of housework and contributing to the family's sustenance by generating income or carrying water. I'm not sure that's the kind of nurture anybody here is practicing, but I don't think it's necessarily wrong either.

    I totally agree about providing intellectual stimulation in principle, and I talk to my kids a ton; but I profoundly dislike what I see a lot of these days, the making of motherhood into a high-pressure, high-stakes enterprise that must be done a certain way.

    DeeDee

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