Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Need help with balance

So until recently DS5, and DD4, have had very limited screen time. DS5 has started to request to do "educational" things on the computer. Examples would be Big Brainz, Khan Academy, and Stack the States. I spent an entire afternoon the other day going through the Recommended Resources forum here so I have many, many more sites bookmarked that I know he would love. The problem is that he wants to do these constantly and often has a HUGE meltdown when he is told that it is time to stop.

I am so torn. I love seeing him learn on these sites but I really dislike seeing him want to give up most other play to sit in front of a computer screen. Also his meltdowns when it is time to stop often turns the whole thing into such a negative experience. I think if I thought he was learning much at school I wouldn't be having such a hard time. I see these programs as a chance for him to get some of what he is not getting at school.

How do you view educational sites and apps? How do you manage to have them be a nice addition to life instead of taking over life?

Thanks for any advice or insight you may have!

Hi Eibbed
There was another thread about tv screen time and there was a wide range of opinions. I actually don't think it's the issue unless you see it as an issue and it seems like you don't. I have had success putting the behavior on the table with my DS. Okay you can use it for an hour but if you get upset when it's time to stop you won't be allowed to the next day or cut into the time - I would have given you an hour but you are only getting 45 minutes because of your behavior last time- and the first time he is ok - he doesn't have to be happy just not tantrumming -and then give him extra time and interrupt him to make sure he knows he is getting extra.

He's young, they both are, so this is the time to try to start setting up behaviors. Some kids are huge addicts for screen time and it has to be controlled - managing it now can only help in the future.

To actually answer your question, we are fairly flexible, but he rarely stays on the iPad more than an hour - our choice but he doesn't fight it. He is now learning scratch and that takes awhile so I have been more flexible about time so he has time to accomplish something. But then he got a great courses DVD and wanted to watch all of it - I think we let him watch 2.5 hours in one setting, which was a new high, but hugely educational.

DeHe

With my ds5, I set a timer. When the timer goes off, the computer goes off (I do give a 5 minute warning). Also, my household flows better with a schedule, so ds knows the routine. But that's how it works for me. There have been times when he's really into something and can have more time. I think you have to figure out what you are comfortable with.

We use computer time as a reward, so if he doesn't cooperate when it's time to transition (within reason), no computer time tomorrow. As much as I love all that he can learn on the computer, he needs to do other things too.

Also...for a young child I look at what comes after the computer time.

When I was teaching I had a student who just never wanted to leave the playground after recess. His only other "love" was lunch. So I finally moved recess to directly in front of lunch. It was the only activity powerful enough to entice him to run to line up.

So sometimes creatively scheduling the activity that follows the one that is highly attractive to also be a highly attractive activity helps. I would never schedule bath time directly after computer time with my one son because he HATES baths. So bath first, then computer, then I read aloud with him (highly sought after activity).

"Eat your peas, then you can have your ice cream"...behaviorists call this the Premack Principle.

I'm guilty of letting my kids (DS4.5 and DS2.10) a lot of screen time all day ... from TV, Kindle apps, android apps, Leappad ... But they are both pretty good at just walking away from it on their own to find something else (like books, puzzles, pretend play) ... so as long as it's not the ONLY thing they want to do, I let them have it. It's the only time I can get anything done!

We've found that using timers for tasks (of all kinds) REALLY helps with a child that has a high need for autonomy. It takes (some of) the power struggle out of it, and prevents a lot of meltdowns on both sides.


If it's a transition thing, then yes to making a desirable activity "next" and to giving a gentle time-limit warning so that "the end" isn't a very unwelcome, intrusive surprise.


We still use all of those strategies with my 13yo DD. I give her a ten minute warning in the evenings when she's online with her friends. Without it, she is prone to the kinds of tantrums that only teens can muster. (Oy.) Even proctors for the SAT/ACT/AP exams use transition cues with adolescents, recall.


It's hard to remember that as cognitively able as our HG+ kids are-- they are still very much children. I'm always surprised when my DD behaves in very age-appropriate (but maddeningly irrational/contrary) ways. I'm just not used to it because she is ordinarily SO mature and rational! She's conditioned me to NOT treat her like a __ year-old. It is really rare that something like this isn't at least partially about my unrealistic or inappropriate expectations of my DD-- which she ordinarily meets. It's kind of unfair to her, really; I get upset because she isn't capable of ALWAYS behaving like an adult?? I feel horribly guilty when I realize that I'm doing that.

Most kids under 8-10yo have considerable trouble with transitions and limits (some of them for much longer). I've concluded that parents who never have this problem are blessed with children who are unusually compliant and have agreeable dispositions, high flexibility, and unnaturally low degrees of autonomy. Either that or they're not being truthful. Most gifted kids don't seem to be that sort of children to begin with, just anecdotally speaking. LOL.

I use timers in my sixth grade classroom all the time. Sometimes I'll ask students how much time they need for a task, and sometimes I negotiate. Or I'll say, "Let's see where we are in ten minutes. Ten minutes begins now."

I agree with using the electronics thing as a way of learning about themselves early on. I used to try and not have the electronics when she was younger, but once they're in school, especially from 2nd grade on, absolutely everyone uses something and it's part of "being in on the conversation" or having a community topic to discuss if all else fails. There are even some kids she's had playdates with that you can't get to play outside no matter what (if they're not your kids you can't really throw them out the door, LOL) so they end up playing XBox something or other.

We did have trouble in 2nd grade because the teacher let kids bring their DS to school for indoor recess. DD doesn't have one, and if she did she wouldn't have been allowed to bring it to school because she even had her crayons and jacket stolen! Besides I didn't agree with the teacher allowing it because some kids have families who could afford that stuff and some didn't. But all winter DD went on about it.

I'm glad that people here think that 8-10 year olds and above still need assistance with transitions and timing things, that makes me feel better about where DD is these days.

I don't think I really answered the question though

"How do you manage to have them be a nice addition to life instead of taking over life?"

Set limits, be very clear (such as using timers) and be clear with consquences such as lack of cooperation/outbursts when it's time to stop means no time allowed the next day or something like that. I stay away from electronics at least one hour before bedtime. No electronics in her bedroom. That's just us.

You have to manage it every step of the way. You can tell if it's interfering with scheduled activities outdoor play, eating, whatever. When they're a little older like what happened to my DD is that kids might try to get other kids' passwords if they play on servers (to use someone else's character to play if they are banned etc.) and it expands as they get older into how to use social networking, etc. When I disallowed her from playing on the minecraft server she got some hard times from a few kids at school who were trying to get her password (she doesn't know it, so the kid called our house and I politely sent him packing) but in the end she actually seemed relieved that the burden was lifted - not her choice she has strict parents!! She went back to single player or playing with her dad only. I hated, hated, hated those server days.

You just really have to stay in control - as usual easier said than done!

Thank you everyone!

I definitely think that I don't follow through with consequences for bad behavior as well as I should. I will work on the transition period a little more. You are right, it is so hard to remember that our little ones are still little sometimes.

I don't think that I expressed myself very well in my first post. I'm really interested in your views as to whether educational screen time, i.e. math drills, Khan Academy, etc. fall under the same restrictions on computer usage. I have this debate with myself constantly. Is there, should there be, a difference between the computer as a learning device and the computer as digital entertainment?

I know that a lot of my concern and inability to know where to draw the line comes from feeling as if he is not learning much at school. I feel guilty when I tell him he can't get on the computer for a school type activity when I know that he is showing that he is ready and willing to learn more. Where else is he going to get it? At the same time I see him being able to live on the computer and that is not something I want for him. He is only 5. What about building, playing outside, doing an art project?

I'll apologize now as I'm afraid I'm still not articulating this very well. Thank you for your patience.