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I need some advice. My son (11) has been taking piano lessons for six years. It's always been a struggle to get him to practice. However, the last 3 - 4 months have been really bad. I've about had it. I've tried all sorts of things, both to motivate him and to let it go and not get stressed about it. It's not working. It's expensive and I'm putting more work into it at this point than he is.

We agreed on Friday that he would practice at least 12 days out of the 16 days he has off school for break. If he did that, I'd continue lessons. He hasn't touched the piano since.

So, do I pull the plug? I hate to take him out becaue I think it is very good for him and it's a great skill and learning opportunity. Plus, he performs with groups and in individual contests. What I'd like to do is pull him out and then put him back in at a future date. He likes his current teacher but she has a waiting list so wouldn't be able to take him back in, say, three months. I don't know how long her list is.

What would you do? What would you consider before making this decision? What would be the criteria for starting lessons again? I think that if he doesn't meet our agreement, which looks unlikely at this point, I need to follow through by pulling him out.


Advice? Comments? Ideas?

I can understand why you want him to continue in piano after so many years and he's good at it. On the other hand, is it worth making both of you miserable over this? At some point, he will likely stop piano anyway since very few people become professional pianists.
Is it possible for him to start a new instrument and be in a student orchestra or band? He obviously can read music well, and this could be a new opportunity for him. You could have him pick the musical instrument.

Okay, this is some BTDT (still doing it) advice for you, which may or may not apply, but I suspect that at least some of the underpinnings DO apply, given some of what you've stated.

My DD13 has been taking lessons for seven years. She, too, goes through periods where even getting her to practice for twenty minutes a day requires Herculean effort on OUR part. It's at times been misery. We've used a kitchen timer, the alarm of which has seemed like a starter's pistol as DD SPRINGS away from the piano bench. Not kidding.

Now, here is the part that I think that applies to us both.

1. Are you really sure that this is a "privilege?" Because that is how you (and we, at one point) were treating piano lessons-- as a "treat" rather than, say... something like allergy shots which is "unpleasant sometimes, but ultimately for your improved quality of life in the long term/big picture." Now, maybe it's all of those things... but if it's a "this is good for you" thing, and I'd argue that it is; then maybe this isn't a decision which IS the child's to make. They lack the life experience to KNOW whether or not they should quit.

2. If piano is a responsibility that YOU (parents) have deemed a priority, then be matter-of-fact about that-- practice is either negotiable or it isn't, or something in between...

3. Find out WHY your child is/is not into playing-- but know what is B.S. and what isn't there, and be honest about how much control you are actually ceding to him. My DD's favorite excuse is that her "hands hurt" if she plays longer than 15 minutes. Which is baloney-- because she is willing and able to use the ergonomic equivalent of "The Scream" on her computer keyboard to IM with her friends for four or five HOURS at a time, thank-you-very-much. Czerny isn't stressing her hands NEARLY as much as that must. The other excuse that we hear is "I forget to practice." Well, the answer to that one is routine-routine-routine; a morning SCHEDULE that allows for thirty minutes of practice to be tied to that scaffold (along with other chores and personal care, KWIM?)

4. What is YOUR goal here? Is it to foster love of the instrument? To foster a sense of personal responsibility? To teach that effort is proportional to results? To develop work ethic? All of those are worthy goals-- but they require different responses to the situation, certainly... our goals were basically weighted toward the end of the list because we don't have ENOUGH of those opportunities for our DD. Sadly, that means that item one is up for sacrifice if that is what it takes.

5. Different teacher? Is it that this teacher and your child are no longer a good fit either pedagogically, interpersonally, or musically? My DD has struggled with this one, since her teacher is a Baroque afficionado, and DD's interests are more along the lines of the 20th century Russians and Jazz improv... but the interpersonal fit is good, and frankly, any advanced teacher is going to kick her to the curb in a hurry given her mouthiness and lack of 'commitment' to practice.


Personally, I'd be reluctant to let a child determine how important this is. I mean, yes, ultimately it IS his/her decision in terms of how seriously they invest in it themselves... and that determines how well they play (or don't), how much they enjoy it, and the like. But it is about larger things than most children (even OUR children) can grasp at this point in their lives, since they lack something very important that we as parents possess-- perspective.

Quitting is easy. How many adults have you known who are glad that they quit and that their parents permitted it?

(Yeah-- me too. That gave me pause, actually, and caused me to rethink the approach that we'd taken up until that point. Our previous approach was much like yours. We'd tried making HER pay for any lesson that she hadn't practiced for, threatening to 'take away' this privilege if she didn't toe the line, etc. Rethinking changed that-- we battle over it far less than we used to.)

My feeling is that if DD tells me that she WANTS to quit... she needs to feel that way for {some period of time} before I'll consider it. That period is, for our family, six months. Her doldrums have never lasted that long, so she's still playing.

Reading replies with interest. So far, with DS8, it's worked fine to say that practising daily (unless there's a genuine reason why it's impossible some day) is a condition of having lessons. You don't feel like practising today? Ah, so you've decided to give up this instrument. No? Off you go to practise then. (I present this as partly a value for money of lessons issue, but more a respect for teacher issue.)

I do think the "daily" rule is probably a lot easier to insist on than something less than daily but more than not at all!

Taken in the context of your other threads like missing ballgames and scouts and now piano and of course homework... seems like a recurring theme, could it be at root stress from being overscheduled?

Our rule was one sport, one musical instrument - your choice, feel free to try out several, but you will do something in music and a sport at least through mid school. We left practicing up to them for music, because life is crazy and busy and none of our kids had a passion to become a concert performer or musician.

I'd personally back off and not see pulling the plug as punishment but not paying for an extra that maybe has outworn its place in his life. Ask if he'd rather play a different instrument. We were thrilled when our kids picked band, because it took the "work" away from us and into school where it was also an escape from bad fitting academic classes.

And with our youngest who is 2E, it is a different story. He can't handle as much on his plate, so we don't push it as much. He does track and the rest of the time just goes to the gym and he plays drums in the band. When he practices and home, I tell him how nice he sounds, but I don't require practicing. His life is way too stressful to add more.

Who initiated the piano lessons? Whose decision was instrument selection? How much ownership of decision-making (e.g. repertoire selection, ensemble work, timing of lessons) does your child possess?

I think I come closest to HK in this and I am very grateful for her post as its made me realize that next time we face this issue that there are some better ways to think and talk about it. I see piano as OT/therapy for my DD, so I need to stop kidding myself or anyone else that it is optional.

OP every day or at the very least every weekday works for us and as a set part of morning routine. And using the "home routines" ap on an iPad was life changing for us in terms of DD learning to manage her mornings and herself in general. The ap is meant to help you manage your chores, flylady style, but it works just great for programming kids' routines, down to having individual daily lists, for morning, afternoon and evening (particularly great if your kid needs different uniform, different equipment, etc each day). We use it less now but it used to be programmed down to : Tuesday morning: dress in sports uniform, pack formal uniform, unpack lunchbox from school bag after school, bag on hook, etc

I saw this earlier but didn't have time to comment. I think that if you made this deal, you need to stick with it. If you really feel that he will ask to go back after a month off, then maybe you could pay the teacher to hold his space.

This reminds me of when my niece was given an ultimatum by her mom that if she didn't get a project done by a certain date that she would no longer be allowed to homeschool. When I heard about this, I looked at my niece knowingly and acknowledged that she had no intention to finish the project. She got a huge grin on her face and said of course not. She didn't know how to tell her mom that she wanted to go to a traditional school. Her mom was very invested in homeschooling and was convinced that regular school was the ultimate punishment. Maybe your son is saying that he wants out of piano? If so, why force him to continue at this point? It sounds like time and energy that could be better spent elsewhere. After 6 years, he's not a frustrated kid who can't handle the challenge. I like the idea of getting him into another instrument.

For my kids, I think that the greatest value has come from the adult/mentor relationship. With my DD who is 2e, we have had various phases where she just needs a break for a month. Her teacher has been willing to work with us. We haven't paid her for the time but we've always managed to work back into her schedule though not always at our preferred time. Dd likes piano but she really misses her teacher who also acts as an informal therapist. I've decided that I value that relationship too. Now, I don't stress out as much when she doesn't practice enough.

We've never had to push that hard, not really. I am glad we have pushed through an our DD does have an ever growing love of music. But knowing whether to push through comes down to knowing your child... Or hoping you do...

I do think you need to follow through on threats though.