Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Sensitivity issues

How do others deal with their children's sensitivities? I have tried to be patient and understanding, tried a tough(er) love approach, tried rational discussions, and tried to teach him coping mechanisms- all to no avail. I don't know what else to do with a child who wears his heart on his sleeve every single day...

He's not around other children much, so I really think much of the problem stems from his unrealistic expectations for the behavior of his agemates. How do you explain to a child who expects fair play and rules to be enforced that children are just mean sometimes and not to take it personally? Because just telling him that hasn't worked.

Any advice from those of you who have dealt with these issues already is much appreciated.

Maybe try explaining that "it won't always feel like this."

Because fundamentally, some of this is asynchrony. Other kids will eventually catch up to notions of fair play and rules of conduct. Grown-ups don't act like that, (mostly-- er, and in front of others, I mean... Hmmm) after all.

As our children get older, they find that different aspects of their agemates 'fit' better-- and some fit worse, at least temporarily.

That's just part and parcel of what it means to be asynchronous, unfortunately.

Does your child have any chance to spend time with true peers? If not, I'd explore some ways to make that happen at least occasionally. That way he knows that he isn't a 'freak' or an anomoly, just different than most people he knows who are his age.

My biggest problem is dealing with my poor husband, who just doesn't understand our kids... but me, being a fellow sensitive giftie - I totally get it, and that's how I deal with the kids - by making sure that they know that I get it. I try to make them feel understood, and normal. "You're ok - there's nothing wrong with you. We're all unique, and some people are more sensitive than others. It gets easier..."

It's hard to see our kids hurt. My ds is sensitive, and I worry that this trait is particularly difficult for boys. I think practicing is the only way things have gotten better for him. Practicing with same -age peers and even practicing dealing with my dh's good -natured teasing has helped - slowly. We also use a concoction of empathy, humor, and tough love depending on the issue.

Hard to say if you can teach epiphanies. But I can share what just clicked for me one day when I was in grade school:
An emotional reaction to a situation depends on the situation and the interpretation of that situation.
You can rarely control the situation but you can take ownership of the interpretation.

If something unfair happens I can be sad about the injustice I've experience or I can hope that one day that person will learn to be fairer. I remember reflecting on things that made me sad and trying to figure out a point of view that wouldn't make me sad. I realized that often times I was sad for myself and that felt pretty selfish which really ran counter to my fledgling moral system.

Even when it was someone else in pain, I was seeing that often I was sadder about my disempowerment than their pain.

Yes. sigh. My DH has also helped in this regard because he's loud and also teases both kids (also good natured). Still, DS8 is more sensitive than other boys his age and I'm sad thinking that he'll be bullied and it will cause him pain.

I try and make him feel loved, and that he has a home to return to where he is unconditionally loved.

I also try and teach him (and DD9) to control his emotions. We talk about how it's ok to cry, everyone does, but if you cry too often some people will think you are weak (when you're actually not, but they don't know that). So, learn to control your behavior. Take a deep breath, and calm yourself down. etc etc. He's getting better.

In an effort to teach him skills that will protect him from peer abuse, I'll actually give out a consequence when he doesn't control his emotions. For example, today he wanted to leave the park before his sister and I said let's compromise and leave in ten minutes. He melted down completely. I gave him until the count of five to stop crying or he'd lose his computer for the rest of the day. He got more upset, saying he needed more time to calm down. Boom - no computer. Later on he cried again over losing a coin toss. I reminded him what had happened earlier when he failed to control his emotions, and voila - gone were the tears, instantly. He can stop crying at the drop of a hat when he chooses to.

The trick is how do I motivate him to control his emotions at school in front of his peers, when I'm not around to "manage" him? I was bullied for being a cry baby, and I'm female. I cringe when I think about what he may be up against.

Oh, ouch, CCN. Your strategy for dealing with crying would be a disaster for my DS10. If your son truly can't help it, as mine can't, it doesn't really seem fair to get a punishment. Plus, aren't sensitive men what women want? Of course every family and situation is different, so I don't know what happens in your house.

My son cries easily, too. (My husband is an admitted crier and cries at every emotional movie, so it's in the genes in addition to being one of my son's sensitivites.) We have talked to my son after the fact and ask him why his emotions were so strong and he says, "I think that's just the way I am." It is getting better over the years, though.

He hasn't faced bullying. I think a lot of boys still cry at this age. But my son doesn't cry at school-- he avoids frustrating situations which might lead to crying. That's what we've taught him, and what he naturally does. He's involved with an extremely rigorous sport and it's not uncommon for the boys to cry when the going gets tough. Their coach just ignores it and the boys don't think anything about it.

Our advice to our son is to take deep breaths, walk away or think about something else for a while. We also remind him that he can't control other people, he can only control his behavior, and that seems to help.

This is a good example of how we each tailor our approach to our own kids because they're all a little different

Mine can help it. I've seen examples of this countless times. He's extremely sensitive, but he is also very strategic and plays me like a fiddle.

I agree with you in principle and I didn't use this approach when he was younger, but often when my DS says he "needs more time" it's because he's mad and is testing me. If he has had a recent consequence that is fresh in his mind, all of a sudden he doesn't "need more time."



Oh, that's good Maybe because your DS is older, or just socially more savvy, I think.

Mine has several times. Here's one example: One day he angered the other boys in his class by turning the change room lights on and off repeatedly as they were changing for gym. So after class they all hid as he was coming into the change room and then jumped out and yelled boo so loudly that it scared him and made him cry. I didn't give him a consequence for that, obviously, but we discussed it at length: "what could you have done differently?" and "yes they were mean to do that, but do you see that you upset them first and are partially to blame?" etc etc.

Maybe that's the difference between our sons - yours is older and has better impulse control and avoids these situations to begin with. Mine still needs more intervention and sometimes consequences are the only thing that work.


I like that idea - there's no shame in crying in the right circumstance. Everyone cries sometimes, and here your son fits in with his peers.



Ditto for us. As I'm counting to five, I'm using a calm voice and coaching him to breathe. Sometimes when he and DS fight I send them to different rooms in the house for a cool down period.

Also I should mention that as I'm counting to five and telling him to breathe and calm down or risk a consequence, I'm also counting very slowly. Even if he is not pushing me and is instead having a sensitive moment, I give him ample time to calm down so that he can if he chooses to. If not, consequence. Life isn't always going to coddle him, so he needs to learn to pull himself together even when he's upset.

No one ever taught me that and it took me years, well into adulthood, before I could control my tears. Meanwhile I was "written off" in situations (i.e. work, social, etc) as being weak. Arrgh!! So not true! It takes strength to face and experience your emotions, but our society doesn't get that. Ah well. Must be chameleons or be ostracized I guess.

Anyway... we all parent from our own personal experiences

Being a boy/ man in our society is hard. I initially thought that my sometimes "suck it up approach" with my ds was potentially gender-motivated. But I find myself parenting my dd the same. I see that helping my kids "move on" from the occassional stubbed toe, breakdown over too much ketchup on the plate, need for tylenol at the slightest hint of an ache is helping them learn to tolerate frustration and self-regulate their reactions based proportionally on the problem. My kids are not on the spectrum, dealing with severe sensory issues, or other struggles that would make it much harder for them to, "suck it up."

I'm sure different kids need different levels of pushing.

Thanks so much for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

My son doesn't actually cry most of the time, but he does get his feelings hurt easily and feels the other kids target him at times. We've had the "I feel like an outsider" and "I don't fit in" conversations already, and I understand that is still a problem.

But at this point, I think he feels targeted when it's really, honestly just kids being kids. Kids taunt/tease each other when they get out in four square and when they are beaten in a foot race. He thinks it juvenile, says he knows he was out, Anna knows she lost the race, etc. and that it doesn't need to be pointed out. I think at this point we have to just work with him so that he understands that kids ARE juvenile!

If it turns out to be that he is actually being targeted and bullied, then that's a different story and we will have to address that then. Thanks again!