Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When other parents ooh and ahh at your DC...

What do you say when parents who see your DC doing something very GT, comment on it in front of your DC about how smart they must be...? And how do you handle it with your DC?

As an example, DS9 frequently goes through spurts where he wants to read something challenging. Earlier this year, it was Lord of the Rings. The other day, he was reading the original Count of Monte Cristo (probably more impressive by its page count than its level) at his younger brother's baseball game.

One of the other parents saw him reading it, and asked him whether he'd forgotten his own book and was reading something I brought. DS answered that it was his book, and the oohs and ahhs followed about how impressive and smart he must be, etc....

I encourage DS to read at the level he likes (as long as we clear content), and I think it's great that he wants to push himself in this area. But DS has this tendency to want to impress people. He doesn't pick the books purely to "look impressive" and will read them at home for hours when he has the time, and frequently will re-read them a couple months later for better comprehension. But he readily admits that he enjoys the attention he gets when people see him reading something above level.

Not sure what to say to DS or to the OOOHs and AAAHs when they happen when I'm around.

Any thoughts?

I think Dr. Sylvia Rimm is pretty thoughtful about this issue.

http://www.sylviarimm.com/article_rimmslaws.html

Why Bright Kids Get Poor Grades And What You Can Do About

is one of her books, and good, except that she doesn't really acknowlege how much harm normal schools do to highly gifted kids until 7/8th through the book. But that is fair, because the vast majority of the readers don't have highly gifted kids, they have bright or OG kids.

Anyway - her take seems to be that it's best to Smile/nod/agree and reframe, as in:

"Yes, we are very proud of the HARD WORK (or ENTHUSIASM or DETERMINATION) our son puts into reading."

The idea is that we should compliment character traits, not inborn gifts.

I think it's pretty normal for boys to frankly enjoy the attention - one year a bunch of boys litteral had a race to see who could finish reading 'A series of unfortunate events' books. Why shouldn't feats of reading have the same status as sports feats?

((shrug))
Grinity

Hmmm. Well, it has always made us uncomfortable, as well. I don't like the idea of drawing attention to something that is as natural and effortless for my DD as... well, her blue eyes. Or breathing.

DD has also seemed to feel pressure to adopt a persona that she has learned that others expect of her as a PG kid.

So at eight, it wasn't enough for her to say that she "loved reading" and list Lemony Snicket and Tolkien as her favorite authors... noooooo... she went right to DICKENS. (Which, okay, yes, she read Dickens at that age, but it was hardly a "favorite," the way she implied...)

I never encouraged or coached that, and I definitely discouraged adults from reinforcing or drawing it out, but often it was just too little, too late-- they'd already SAID the words. I sometimes wish that I'd had a better way of reining it in, too, because I think this gave her the start of that socially oriented perfectionism that she's struggling with now. Super-kid syndrome.

It can't be good, I'm thinking. Kids can feel that they have to live up to the archetype, that they really ARE entitled to praise and accolades just for showing up/being gifted, or if they're introverted enough maybe they resolve to hide any evidence of being different so as to blend in better.

DD likes the attention, for sure-- well, sort of. She's actually somewhat shy and doesn't like being the center of attention as much as she likes feeling that competitive advantage of "being number one," as odd as that sounds. The real down side is that if you live under a magnifying glass, that comes with a certain amount of pressure to always be "on" for your public, too. KWIM?

I think this must be what child celebrities struggle with as they grow up.

_________________

Please note that I'm not saying that a child who reaches a remarkable achievement as the result of focused effort and personal goal-setting shouldn't enjoy the accolades that come with that. THAT, in my mind, is quite a different matter from being praised for innate qualities that you just happen to have. Being praised for being "beautiful" is different from being praised for being "the team-mate that everyone else can count on when they're feeling down." KWIM?

Yes, but let me play devil's advocate for a moment. Character aspects are inborn just as much as aspects of ability. Being "the team-mate that everyone else can count on when they're feeling down" isn't that different from being "beautiful", really - they both involve a person building on their natural assets and using them in a way other people appreciate. Similarly, focused effort isn't always hard. The more I think about it, the more I appreciate the point of view that says *any* praise - that is, anything perceived as evaluation of the child by the parent - has the drawback of encouraging the child to rely on evaluations from others. What's hard is working out how to put this into practice...

When my DS7 was 2, he had heard so many times how beautiful his blue eyes were that he started responding, "I know." I thought that was a perfect response.

We haven't had too many of the oohs and aahs lately about DS's advanced abilities, since he kind of flies under the radar and is usually shy with new people. I'm not sure what he'd say if someone said to him, "Wow, you're really smart." I think he'd probably answer, "I know," but maybe we should have a discussion ahead of time about some more appropriate responses...

I think that part of the issue here is teaching our children to balance humility with self-esteem. We've been struggling with this at our house. DD is an extremely adept child both physically and intellectually. Adding to that she is the kind of child that people stop on the street to comment on her appearance. My dd has generally been walking around like she's on top of the world her entire life. So! With that we have her believing deep down that she is the world's sweetheart and that everybody loves her.
So far, we've been trying to temper that belief by teaching her to search for the positive qualities in everyone else she meets. We talk about her friends and discuss all of the good we see in them. We're hoping that this practice will help her to see that we're all in this together and that no one is better than anyone else.
Having said that, when my dd is complimented we accept the compliment as graciously as possible and change the subject. We wouldn't ever want dd to think that being smart (or pretty or musical) is something to be ashamed of.
Later on I will sometimes ask dd why she thought that the compliment-er said what they did and we'll discuss why they were impressed. If we have the opportunity we will talk about the positive qualities of the compliment-er but if we don't know them well we don't or I'll mention how kind they were to notice dd or to speak such kind words.
We don't spend a lot of time on it but I feel that it is important to acknowledge the compliment both to the speaker and with my dc.

I was in the elevator yesterday with a new mother and her 3 month old and I remember being at the Harvard/Yale game when DD was 2 months old and this woman came up to me and made a comment about my baby "observing". She said it was striking how my child seemed to be taking in the room etc etc. Since then, strangers will comment on the bus when she is talking. Times you don't expect anything. That generally I didn't respond or say thank you. When complimented physically, I generally just say thank you and now tell her to say thank you.

It is strange that kids in her class are making comments. I guess they have some team stuff in their "free period" and we heard from one child's parent that DD is the smartest in the class and their daughter always wants to be on her team for this activity. We were a little shocked that a kid in grade 1 -- a gifted class, would comment on the "smartness" of another kid.

We didn't really know what to say to that.

Ren

As DD gets older we don't encounter this much anymore. We really didn't encounter it too much when she was a toddler because DD is shy, but the other day while picking her up from school I was taken back by another mother's comment. One of DD's classmates has a 18 mth old sister and she was talking about what her sister can say which led to DD commenting on how she would say "What's this" all the time. The mom looked a little shocked and said "Well, that probably explains why your so smart." I was a little taken back by the comment. We, the parents, don't hang out in the class with them and only see the other kids at drop off and pick up. Perhaps with her few conversations with DD she figured it out or maybe her daughter talks. Not really sure.

As for the beauty side ... now that one we still get all the time. DD is a gorgeous child and we still get the sucked in breath and comments from strangers. Even at school, the teachers are always quick to comment to me about DD and her looks. DD has her own way of answering the comments. She smiles and says "Yeah, I was born this way." LOL Later on in life that is really going to sound conceited but she manages to do it in away that is matter of fact.

I like that a lot ("Yeah, I was born this way") and think it is a pretty humble sort of acknowledgment, and mature too. Disclaiming credit, with a simple acknowledgment, is charming.

I think oohing and ahing over appearance may have something to do with giftedness. I think an intense personality can add a lot to charisma, and may take a cute kid (lots are cute to begin with) and elevate her/him to super-cute. As a tiny example, my son opens his eyes wide when he gets excited and intense about something, which I think intesifies his cuteness.

ColinsMum, it's an interesting thing you write about any reliance on evaluations from others being a drawback.

Daytripper nailed this one. Returning compliments makes it an enjoyable exchange for everybody. I think it also helps squash imposter syndrome if you make it a habit of giving compliments where compliments are due you're acknowledging out all the positive that exists in the world all around.