Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Worried girl

Hi,

I'm just after some thoughts on what to do for my dd5 who has reached a new level of worry. In the last week she has been terrified by the idea of her room setting on fire, and then the house (triggered the 'low fire danger' tag on her pjs), going blind, her head falling off (a toy's head fell off) and loosing her nose (there is a man in our community who has no nose). She has also hit a new level of compassion - for example, she was devastated when her dad squished an ant.

I feel very confident that this is due to a new level of awareness, plus a few changes in our family situation - she starts school in a few weeks and I recently returned to work (after looking after her full time - though she has been looked after by her dad or at friends houses rather than a carer when I've gone to work - but it is still a change) rather than any one significant event.

She is doing really well with some self talk. When she identifies something she's scared of we'll look at the facts of it - particularly after I stupidly said she wasn't going to loose her nose and of course she asked how I could say for sure. Fair question! So we've been looking at what causes fires for example and it has shown how safe we are and how low risk our situation is. We've talked about the reasons why someone might loose a nose (skin cancer etc) and how we can look after our skin, etc. - and how there are cosmetic surgery options if someone did. Poor little thing - I made a joke about the different kinds of noses on might choose - pelican... Pony... And she burst in to tears and said 'I just want my little nose' We've been giving her an affirmation to say whenever she thinks the scary thought (I.e. 'it is very, very unlikely a fire could start in my room, so I don't need to worry), which has worked really well. But we have to prove it's true first. But I am wondering if anyone has any ideas on how to help her gently (may not be possible) expose her to the fact the world is full of potential hazards and that if we worry about them all we'll never cope!

We do tend to see more anxiety when she has brain spurts, but she's so overwhelmed at the moment and if I am honest, my husband and I are loosing patience. She can burst in to tears and be in consolable for half an hour + while we try to talk her down (multiple times a day). It's exhausting. I tend towards consoling her and helping her understand the situation and why it doesn't apply to her (though it is exhausting and by the end of the day my patience is pretty spent). My husband tends towards the 'harden the $&@? up approach' - though of course not in that language to her! Possibly we're completely confusing her and possibly one or both approaches are wrong. Happy for judgement.

I'm across OEs, but am wondering if it is possible to help her desensitise. When she doesn't have a scary thought she's one happy little camper.

Thanks

I should point out that I don't expect to fix it - she's always going to be a sensitive soul. Just to make life a little easier for her.

Sounds exactly like my DD who is 9!!!!!!!!! She has even packed up all her stuffed animals in case there is a fire, so that she won't lose them, or packed them all up for fear of a tornado coming! She too, is exhausting and I spend much time "talking her off the ledge" as I call it. She has ALWAYS been very intense. She is a little easier to rationalize with now that she is older, but she still worries about crazy things. Don't think the packing the bag happened years ago, this was when she was 8! I do find that the worries are always worse at night, at bedtime. I also find that talking harshly only escalates it. I have explained to her that she tends to be bothered by things that most people aren't, and that's okay, but that these are things that are most likely not ever going to happen (again, same thing, have to prove that it won't.) I explained that while I can't say it would never happen, the likely hood of it happening is extremely small. Had to say it's never happened to Mom, Dad, G.ma, g.pa or anyone I knew so she most likely has NOTHING to worry about. This whole thing started from a conversation about what would happen if there was a fire and the dog was in the house, would we save it. I made the mistake of saying we had to get all the people out first and she lost it saying she would risk her life for her dog etc. I have learned that this is just the way my child operates and that I have to help her learn to cope and how to handle those strong feelings.

Thanks bh14 (I think...! Doesn't sound promising long term). Heartbreakingly sweet re the dog.

What you have described is exactly what dd has been experiencing. She was terribly worried about her toys when the fire thing was the main issue (much more so than worrying about herself). Today's terrors have included (but were not limited to) eating carrot while jumping up and down and eating green potato (she's worried she'll forget not to do each of these things and will choke/get poisoned).

bh14 - I am curious how your dd goes at school? As mentioned, dd starts school in a couple of weeks. She's going straight in to grade one. I have to admit I am worried that she is going to have these break downs and they're going to say she's emotionally immature - which is definitely not the case. Just desperately emotionally sensitive. I guess I particularly worry about her responses to school yard myths - all those things kids have mis-heard and/or try to scare each other with.

Sigh... have been doing a bit of reading on it. Sounds like we're in it for the long haul. Don't feel like I am dealing with it well and hoping I find a groove with it soon.

Thanks again.

Go honesty, Go noticing Brain spurts! Go getting back to work!

Here's the deal. At this point you see your job as 'talking her down.' That means you are giving out lots of 'relationship' in response to her fears. Your attention is the biggest positive reinforcer in her life, particularly now with you back to wage-work. You are also feeling guilty or uncertain so you are more likely to be giving extra energy as you think: What am I doing to this poor child!

What I would do is learn some deep breathing techniques - breath in for 5 heartbeats and then out for 5 heart beats. No holding breath to handle anxiety.
https://sites.google.com/site/giftedmeditation/

Then I would sit down and come up with a plan of 'how much' energy you are going to give before you model taking care of yourself and say 'I'm starting to feel very bad. I'm going to take a little break and do some breathing. Do you want to join me?'

I wouldn't set out to teach her, but let her watch and learn, or answer any questions she generates. Mostly parents what to teach the child meditation so the child and then say 'now go do this and stop feeling anxious.' It's fine to expect the child to handle their own feelings, but not fine to tell them which tool to use. You goal is to encourage her to be in charge of handling her own strong feeling, knowing that you believe she can do it.

For me the plan would involve setting a timer for a few minutes and saying, 'I believe that sometimes thinking isn't the best way to solve feelings, so I'll try and help for 5 minutes, then when the timer goes off we can go do something else, got it?' Something else could be bake cookies, jump on the trampoline, or deep breaths. If you find her in a good mood, you can get her help to brainstorm what the something else might be, and how long the timer should be set for. It will take practice, but what a lucky mom you are to be able to teach this life skill.

When she isn't melting down, I would be sure to notice what she is doing and perhaps point out that she is a strong person because she is handling strong feeling all on her own, and say so, about once every 5 minutes. Read 'Transforming the Difficult Child Workbook' by Howard Glasser and Lisa Bravo for more on the very important part of building relationship by putting attention on strengths and neutrals rather than on drama. This didn't come naturally to me! I've been a 'glass 4mls empty' sort of girl for a long time - cheerful but very interested in drama.

If you don't see improvement you can also go the 'professional help' route.

Love and More love,
Grinity

I can totally sympathize with the mom of worried girl!

We have found Elaine Aron's research about sensitive people to be of great use with our son. She has a book about sensitive children that talks about both the pros and cons of noticing and feeling so much, and also examines how sensitivity is found in various life forms and has some evolutionary advantages (since the negatives are so obvious and exhausting, it is pleasant to hear about some positives!) Not sure if this is like your situation, Giftodd, but if it sounds helpful, you can check out more at: http://www.hsperson.com/pages/child.htm

Here's what's been most useful to us:

1. Learn more about real risks. Our son is reassured when we clarify the likelihood and severity of risk, so he knows what to really be careful about. (Car accidents are a leading cause of injury and death for little kids, so wearing your seat belt and not distracting the driver of the car are really practical steps for safety. On the other hand, you are very unlikely to choke to death on your applesauce!) Our son likes math so we use probability to clarify the likelihood of dangers.

2. Laugh. We use a great deal of humor whenever possible (we are debating whether it is impossible or just extremely unlikely for a pink elephant to fall on our house).

3. Learn about people who have lived through the worst. Our son has been so relieved to know that even if something "horrible" happens, life goes on. His heroes are Helen Keller (who got sick as a toddler and lost both sight and hearing) and Stephen Hawking (who has a progressive disease that has made him a paraplegic and unable to talk). He loves to learn about their beautiful ideas and thoughts and adventures, and about their adaptions to their disabilities (Braille and finger signing for Helen, computer-speech machine for Stephen). Right now we are enjoying a book about a boy who, when 8 years old, fell on an arrow at camp and it went through his eye and into his brain. He almost died and had all sorts of problems--but he wrote a book about the experience a few years later because he is okay! I know this wouldn't work for every kid, but somehow my son feels inspired and reassured by such stories! What about your neighbor with no nose�would they be willing to talk to your daughter and would your daughter want to talk to them? Maybe they can answer questions (here�s what happened, here�s why I am glad I got help and am still alive, etc.)�sometimes people are really willing to answer kids honest questions.

4. Learn how to deal with danger. My son is very interested in learning how to address dangers. For instance, he has learned how to deal with a burn, choking, how to help grandpa when he cut his leg with a chain saw (grandpa was lucky and just needed stitches!), what to do when the ice you are walking on becomes weak, etc. He feels better when he sees that problems do happen, you work through them, and that he can be helpful and competent.

5. Avoid the scary! No need to introduce extra worries, like from scary movies.

About proof: you can prove how common a danger is; a little research can yield info about dangers for various age groups and populations. This has helped us! For instance, childhood obesity and diabetes are a growing problem; tell that to your kid the next time you say no to a sweet--gotta love it!

I know it can be exhausting to deal with all those worries and fears! Each kid has their own fears and needs to develop their own ways of dealing with them (and each parent takes a different approach). Good luck finding what works for all of you in your families.

Giftodd, DD has learned coping skills that have helped tremendously. We had to learn deep breathing techniques, like Grinity mentioned. When she first started school, I had to explain to the teachers that she was very sensitive and that if she ever went up to them and told them she had "butterflies in her stomach" they should tell her she was okay, and to take a few deep breaths. This really was only necessary in K, after that, she learned on her own, what she needed to do. Most of the time, there was never anything that would cause her to get scared, worried, etc. at school. I was terrified the first time they practiced a "lock-down" drill that she would freak out, but she didn't. I sort of disagree that the amount of time you "talk your child off the ledge" should be limited. Trying this with our child only escalates it unneccessarily. I think that you know your child best, and no book or person can tell you what works and what doesn't. I can tell you that almost every parenting book that said try X, Y, Z, had to be tweaked for my child. Find what works for you and your child, and go with it. Some kids are VERY verbal, like mine, and they need that talk to help talk themselves into being rational. DD got upset a few times at school, but it resulted in a little eye water, and she learned to handle it. She does great now. She seems to save the worries for home (which is fine with me, as long as she can handle them away from me as well!) Once you realize that this sensitivity is part of who she is and that it isn't going anywhere, the easier it is to work on learning to cope with it, not ignore it. It does get better with time! I know I said these things still happen, and they do, but they are less frequent by far, and we no longer get that butterflies in the tummy, nervous feeling that happened all too often. There is hope, but it will never go away. You just have to learn to work with it. Make sure your child knows there is nothing wrong with her for feeling this way (when she's older). I have to explain to DD that just like she thinks differently than other kids when it comes to school, she feels things differently too, and that's okay.