Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to help with big age diff due to acceleration?

Hi fellow parents. DYS DS8 is currently in third grade. We first found out that he may be gifted around a year ago, and we changed our parenting methodology to letting him direct the pace he learn the material (as opposed to us introducing what we thought were grade level appropriate for him). Since then he has asynchronous development and is meaningfully accelerated in math.

- In school, we left him in third grade so he could be with his friends. He is ahead in subject areas other than math, but we didn't want to grade skip. He was bored in math but otherwise was very happy.
- In after school enrichment math (this is where he gets somewhat challenged in math), he tested into their 5th grade level. He is still crushing that class and he occasionally complain that the older kids talk about him, ask him why he is there, etc. So far he seems ok with it.
- We just started AOPS Pre algebra 1. The kids in the chat room told each other that they were in 6th/7th grade and around 12 years old. He felt that he didn't belong, and even cried. Then he tried the Alcumus problems, got to the blue level (mastered the concept), and was very happy that he was able to do it.

Any thoughts / advice from other parents in how to talk / explain to your child about WHY they belong to wherever they end up based on their ability level?

Thanks!

When our ds was in 3rd he was also in 5th grade math and LA/reading (no skip). He was also at the top in these classes. He kind of liked being with the older kids. He has also been big for his age which helped.

We were very involved in and out of school in our area. He knew a lot of these kids from playing baseball. DS could play ball well, he knew the game and would usually be one of the top pitchers. We have been involved in 4H since he was old enough to do that too.

We were also part of a group that did service project for the elderly and nursing homes. Several of these older kids were involved in that. Nothing big just spring cleaning of lawn furniture, plant flower pots and sweep the patios.

Is there a way you could be involved outside of school so he could be on an equal level with some of the older kids. I think it helped him very much.

Thanks for the feedback!

Portia - how did you talk with your DS about these issues so he can understand? The things that you did gave me a lot of ideas about what to do - I think online is a good idea because he can hide a bit. But my DS felt out of place even in AOPS when the others didn't know his age. He logged in early before the classroom was moderated, the kids were chatting among themselves, someone asked what everybody's grade and age was, and it's a bunch of 11/12 6th/7th. He was ok at the time, then after class he cried that he was only 8. It's his self awareness that he felt he didn't belong. But like I said, he then did the alcumus problems, successfully saw through some "tricks" (as he call them), and he was very happy.

You said it well! They belong, based on ability level.

Tamara Fisher, blogging for Education Week on Sep 12 2012 discusses The Right Fit
http://blogs.edweek.org/teachers/unwrapping_the_gifted/2012/09/the_right_fit.html.

Portia gave great advice (as usual) in cautioning against sharing age/grade.

Did your son cry because he felt intimidated? Or possibly because he was disappointed that he did not find other accelerated kids like himself in the class? Did he feel isolated? Left out?

For accelerated kids (whether subject accelerated or whole-grade accelerated), these issues can pop up throughout life... especially at milestones such as the legal age for driving, voting, etc. As kids get older, they may become more adept at deflecting the conversation when it comes to the topic of age, and more confident in their ability to find common interests to focus on.

Humm, thanks for asking all those questions. Now that I really think about it... he was stuck on a hard alcumus problem and got frustrated. Then he cried and said the others were 12 and he was only 8. It was probably more perfectionism rather than self awareness of his age.

It has been really helpful for DS (also DYS) to attend gifted weekend workshops held at a major university. There, he's met other kids who are also in "asynchronous" placements or homeschooled.

He is currently with age mates (although he's on the young end)for about half the school day and accelerated two years for three class periods. This is largely his choice (to stay with the split vs. whole grade acceleration). Fortunately, the older students are used to him and even applauded recently when he was the one to answer a tough question correctly (the teacher told us, he didn't).

As for explaining it, his frustration levels were so high when at age-based grade level, he was glad to move up (if maybe a bit nervous at first). We have talked with him the drawback of the current traditional system being age-based placements instead of those which let children move through at the right pace for them. (This was a fascinating conversation, he had some really interesting thoughts on it. He worried for the kids who might be left back by too much in that method, for example. Yet he noted that many kids would be able to work at a higher level in at least one subject.) We have also shared that one grandmother skipped two grades and graduated at 16. We pointed out famous people (historic and current) who have been accelerated. All these seem to make him feel less alone.

AoPS actually has an awful lot of quite young kids. You son might be interested to ponder whether others in his class were being equally mum about their ages, for the same reason he was. (I certainly remember my own DS doing that - but once one kid admitted to being 9, several others did too.)

If your DS is actually feeling like he's freakish for being the only one, it might help him to show that there are many, many like him in AoPS. You may find age-related discussions through a search of the AoPS forums, or even, depending on your privacy concerns, want to post yourself asking other young ones to share experiences. Or send a note to the teacher or to general AoPS staff asking if they could privately connect you to a couple of kids - the people there are really responsive, and I am sure they would totally get your challenge. Your DS shouldn't feel alone - because he is definitely not alone! Sometimes the attempts to camouflage work too well...

My DD did AoPS pre-algebra when she was 8 and about to turn 9 - the age difference made no difference to her and she totally rocked the class.

They are very accepting of ALL ages of students and technically students are not supposed to exchange personal information- possibly to stop kids like your son not feeling welcome.

He should not feel unwelcome - he will see that he belongs there if he sticks the temporary feeling weird out...