Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Wanting to Be With the Older Kids

Hi all!
My DS5 (6 in 2 months, because it tends to matter in these earlyish years) tends to gravitate toward older kids; generally 8-12 year olds.
I know that gifted kids tend to gravitate towards older kids, but I guess in my head I picture this as more maturity and a different kind of intellectual stimulation. For example, I went to a college-level program when I was 16 that included a few high school seniors, but mostly college age (or post-college age) students. Though I was the youngest one in the class, I gravitated toward hanging out with the college and grad school students.
Since I went to traditional school and didn't really have a gifted program, I don't have any experience able what this "hanging with the big kids" thing looks like in younger kids. My son is into biking, scooter riding and skateboarding, and so the kids he wants to hang with are the ones who are into these things and are at a slightly higher level than him. So I don't know that it's intellectual stimulation that he's seeking, but maybe this is sort of the same thing?
We homeschool and I think are pretty lucky in that we end up in a lot of situations where these older kids are friendly with him, sometimes teaching him new tricks, and are at least tolerant. However, I, as a parent, can sense/see some eye-rolling about the little kid trying to tag along. And in some cases, he really is trying to tag along, as they're faster than him and he's trying to keep up.
Kids his age aren't as physically talented as DS in these arenas, so in some ways, the older kids are closer to being peers. But, you know, a 5 year old hanging out with a 10 year old is a bit awkward when it's all the time.
How have people navigated these waters in the early years? I think I'd be more comfortable if he was, say, a young teenager hanging with older teens, but he's just so little, ya know?

My DS will try to play with older kids if we're going to a park or something like that. I tend to redirect or say that those kids came to the park to play with each other, not new kids, etc. I think it's hard to guess what the older kids may be thinking, but I assume they don't want to hang out with DS. I think it would be a different scenario if they were in a group together (mixed ages academic groups or physical groups), but we don't do that usually.

I'm going to try to find gifted kids who are true peers for DS. I'm considering starting an odyssey of the mind league, a Junior FLL, mensa, anything where other kids of similar interests would help DS. But we're pretty busy just with daily life so it's hard. I think in your situation with other HS kids he will get more exposure to older kids and if they're okay with that then I would limit it when it became obvious, or talk to the other boys' moms to have them give the real scoop on what their sons feel about the situation.

While re-directing is, of course, the polite thing to do, I'll just mention that I have an early adolescent who will happily play with much younger children, as well as age-mates and older children. Any time we go to a park or children's museum, our oldest collects an entourage of (younger) children, which is not at all distressing.

Some older kids enjoy younger children. I think you can often tell if they are okay with a younger child hanging about with them by their response to overtures, using the usual signals that someone is willing to be friendly. E.g., Negative: walking away, avoiding eye contact, shutting them out of a group, terse comment, followed by immediately turning back to the age-peer group. Positive: sustained or frequent eye contact, maintaining or initiating conversations, getting down to their eye level, opening the group stance to include them.

I'd hesitate to teach kids that they can't join an established group, or worse, that if they are part of an established group, they can't welcome new members. I think another approach would be to let him attempt to play with them, but preface it by saying that sometimes people have already made plans, or that it might be something like a big kid playdate, where they invited particular people, so of course we can't invite ourselves. So if they don't invite you to play when you ask if you may play with them, that's probably what it is.

My oldest has not had true peers outside of our extended family through most of the school-age years (so far), but is unusually comfortable with a wide range of ages, from much younger to much older (when we visit nursing care facilities, this is the child who has no difficulty sitting with slightly demented (in the medical sense) residents and chatting with them). So I grant that most older kids are not like this.

Is it an issue for you or the older kids if it is some of the time? I would agree with aeh that not all kids are hostile to younger kids.

I remember playing a lot with a girl 3 years younger (she was amazingly gifted in running... our PE teacher had her doing the 50 yard dash against our fastest *boy* who was 3 years older than her and she tied him in raw speed) - we did a lot of physical play outside that involved running and agility and were matched well (I was more agile but she was faster). And I recall my most likely PG friend (she is beyond what I could keep up with) really liking having my much younger sister "tagging" along especially when we were traveling... so not all kids are as age conscious.

(Delayed response due to being so busy...)

In the group that I'm thinking about in particular, there's one boy who's pretty cool with him (This boy also lives nearby and me and his mom are friends, so we see each other apart from the other older boys. That boy also has spent time being the younger guy in a crowd, so seems more receptive to playing with a younger kid, as the older kids played with him.). The other kids aren't outwardly mean about it, but I just get a vibe that they're not cool with the little kid. Like, the older boys will take off on scooters or bikes and my son will try to keep up, but can't do it...and they don't seem to be stopping to turn around and wait for him.

I was talking to the mom of the nice boy and she tried to reassure me, saying that my son doesn't seem to feel upset that he's lagging behind and he doesn't feel that he's being excluded. I just....ugh, ya know?

Both of my kids are way more into older kids, so I think it's just something that I'm going to have to deal with. I think things might also get better as we work on getting out and expanding our circle. I just want him to have a good friend or two and since his interest is in these bike/scooter things, it just seems that he's -- at least for now -- going to be more in "big kid" territory.

One other comment: if your son doesn't appear upset by the current group dynamic, it may not be as much of a problem as it feels to you. As parents, we sometimes take our children's experiences to heart more deeply than they do. (The opposite, of course, can be true.) I can remember being out when one of mine was very young, and hearing another child say they didn't want to play. I was heartbroken for my child, and consequently a little shocked when my child's response was to say a calm "okay", turn away, and happily find something else to do.

I wouldn't take this as "not cool" with him as much as not not actively interested in trying to include him at all time--there is a big difference. They may be totally fine with him being around when he's around, but not patient enough to wait up for him. This would be very age-appropriate and typical. You would only find a few kids this age (probably kids with little siblings and/or girls who have an interest in babysitting or have been more socialized to be nurturing to younger kids) who would be this inclusive, unless your child is somehow extremely compelling. It doesn't mean they are mean or anything. It's just normal.

My younger child (6) likes older kids a lot, probably because he hangs out with his older sister a ton and thinks he is older than he is. He can hang pretty well with an older crowd, too. But when he plays soccer with 9 and 10yos, he inevitably gets left behind/out some of the time. It is what it is. He has a healthy self-concept and is not bothered unless someone makes a comment (rare--they like him).

Thanks guys! You are probably right and it's just me feeling weird about it, not my son. I think I do take things way more personally than he does.