Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy help me do something constructive w my anger, pls

Some of you know our story - it's rather familiar and similar to many others' on here. I have a PG child who was attending public school full time and then after a million hours of polite advocacy and twisting myself into knots to get accommodations for my son, we ended up partial homeschooling my son. We had lots of negative and ridiculous interactions with administration and staff. Par for the course, unfortunately, for our lot (those with HG kids). Fortunately, because of my professional background, because of my Mama bear status who will not allow my son to be mistreated, and because of the support of THIS COMMUNITY, I could take a lot of heat and was able to deal quite well with the confrontations at school (at least in the heat of the moment, on my feet).

Anyway, another parent from out school contacted me. She has a gifted child as determined by her observations and by outside testing. She is new to the public schools and new to the country. She reached out to me because she heard from others that we had quite a struggle and was wondering if I could help. Turns out that we have had almost exactly the same experience, except the staff took advantage of her newly arrived status (I mean newly arrived to the country and newly arrived to world of gifted advocacy) and was verbally abusive, intimidating and all sorts of horrible things. Then after her million hours of meetings and advocacy they told this mom, "well your child is not a Davidson Young Scholar, so he doesn't need any accommodations". Uh, where do I even begin with the insanity of this statement?

Anyway, this family does not have the resources that our family, very fortunately, does. The family is asking me - out of desperation, as they have no where else to go and they can't homeschool - to help. I am so furious that they have taken advantage of this family (they played dumb about giftedness even though the school had received documents and assistance from our tester when advocating for our child - they pretended like they had never heard of gifted before). Before I wade in and figure out how, or if, I can be of help to them, I need to deal with my blind anger at this situation. Give me something constructive to do here, folks.

Plus, is there somewhere to report this blatant lying and treatment of this family?

It's hard to know where to go to report- I live in a metropolitan area with with gifted advocacy groups and a fairly robust (compared to other areas) gifted and HG public programs.

Without resources for homeschooling or a carefully selected private school- it's going to be hard for this family.

If her child meets the Davidson qualifications, she should definitely apply. Our consultant would be an advocate if we need it.

If the staff is being abusive and dishonest, it needs to go to an administrator- starting with the principal and upwards from there. That is unacceptable.

I have heard that parents and families can find themselves at the mercy of district policies and lack of programs. If a child isn't struggling academically and the district doesn't have a gifted program, families can find themselves SOL.

We opted for private at some financial sacrifice because we wanted to have some voice--even so, we found ourselves at odds with my child's school in first grade because it was the "real" academic year (his K teacher was happy to differentiate because she saw that he had mastered K skills). I think the school was overly worried about their standardized test results so was basically educating all of the kids to the test rather than to their needs. (I wish I could say I'm being cynical). We moved DS to a more progressive school with a differentiated curriculum and less emphasis on test results.

I digress:)- my point is that when kids are HG or higher, there is almost no perfect long term academic solution. We have come close for the present, but it took some shopping.

I think as far as your anger- you may be projecting (no offense intended). I was quite angry after moving my son out of school- and still simmer a bit when I think of some the conversations and runaround that I got from his teacher. It's going to be up to this family to advocate for their child.

I think the chief difficulty is that in many states gifted kids don't have a right to gifted education. You could try the state's office of education.

I witnessed a somewhat similar instance with an immigrant family I was trying to help get special education services (as in non-gifted, disability related services). Really egregious behavior--including catching mom in the hall and having her sign a document the teacher claimed was just permission to start special services, that was in English (mom's English was conversationally ok but limited for legalese) and then later claiming that constituted a valid IEP!

We reported them to the state office, who investigated and meted out minor punishment. But then office of education leaves and you have to deal with the bitter aftermath. I guess I'm saying it helped in the short run but not the long run. YMMV

This stuff is the major reason we homeschool now. There are some amazing people in the public schools--teachers, psychologists, speech therapists, aides. My disabled child has been helped tremendously by many of them. Unfortunately there are some less than amazing people in the public schools, too. And I have reached the point that fortunately I have enough resources that I don't need to depend on those people.

But I realize this doesn't help people who are trapped in public schools. Sorry to be a downer.

"If her child meets the Davidson qualifications, she should definitely apply. Our consultant would be an advocate if we need it."

The child does not meet the qualifications for DYS. He is below it, but not so far below it.

"I think as far as your anger- you may be projecting (no offense intended)."

Well, sure there is some projection here. But this is not the first time I have heard of another family going through what we have been through. I think what really chapped my hide is: they are clearly taking advantage of the fact that this family is new to the country, so they withhold information and plain out lie about certain things that they wouldn't do with other American families (or at least families that have been here for a longer period of time), and the school is talking about other families' confidential business with regard to other children's LOG and accommodations (our family included). It's unethical, unprofessional and probably illegal.

Yes, I think they are aware that they have to do the advocacy for their child. They have been doing that. But they were reaching out to me (and others) because they need help, badly. (The kid is really suffering in school.)

I guess I will advise them to take it up the chain of command. At the very least, what I can do, is perhaps address with staff members that they should not be talking about my son's confidential information with others. That's at least within my control.

Yes, there is some down and dirty behavior going on here too.

I guess I can just point the family in the right direction of the applicable laws of our state and let them know who makes up the chain of command.

Well, there's clearly not a lot that you can do to help them advocate within the system for their child. In the end you weren't successful, and that implies that others won't be either.

It might be more productive for you to help them focus on what other options might be out there. For example, their limited resources could make them eligible for a scholarship at a private or religious school that would be a better fit. Or maybe they have some flexibility in terms of neighborhood (maybe they are renting and could move more easily). Are there also charter schools around? And could they be eligible for support and help (maybe legal) because of their newcomer status?

Yes, you went through the same situation with the school, but in other ways your situations are very different. I'm thinking that re-fighting a battle that you already, admittedly, lost is not going to be productive in the long run for them or for you.

Instead maybe there's a way you can help another family escape the system that's failing these children. That would be better for the family and better for your own emotional state.

I still get angry when I think about some of the BS we had to deal with, but the more we focus forward, the better we all feel.

Might you suggest to this family that they join this forum?

Here they may receive lots of advocacy tips, resources, and pointers, including meeting prep lists such as:

- Research state laws and the school or district policies and practices. This information is often found online. You may wish to print and put this in an advocacy ring binder to refer to over the years as the laws and policies/practices may change over time.
- Have any test results and other pertinent facts available to share (milestones, reading lists, other accomplishments/achievements)
- It is good to have them speak first. If asked to speak first, you may simply wish to thank everyone for attending and summarize that you are all here to share information and ideas about how to best meet your child's educational needs... and that you would like to hear from them.
- Agenda
- Know who is in the meeting, and their role(s)
- Stay calm
- Know what you are asking for
- TAKE NOTES including Who-What-Where-When-Why-How of differentiation, so you can summarize in an e-mail afterward [Some families announce they plan to record the meeting and then do so, rather than taking notes.]
- Use active listening (rephrase what has been said, and put it in a question form) to clarify understanding
- Be open to receiving the school's data/observations.
- Listen to any proposals they may make, ask appropriate probing questions, such as how a proposal may work, how the proposal may help your child, the schedule/frequency of service delivery, etc
- Do not be forced to make a decision if you need time
- Summarize next steps & time frames, and/or need for a follow-up meeting
- Thank everyone for their time & interest
- After the meeting, write a summary (points of agreement, etc) and share it, possibly by e-mail

Well said. In addition to moving forward, helping others see and avoid the ruts in the road can also be healing.

All great suggestions everyone! Thank you. I will direct them to this forum. Hm. Maybe I could attend a meeting with them. Not sure I would be any good for them. But at least my presence would cut down on the total BS factor.

The mom contacted me after she saw us going to our "gifted in the title" camp this summer! She asked another family who also attends this camp about us and our situation. The other family knows about our struggle (as they have had the same struggle and are now off to private school).