Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy It always goes down like this

The girls have their friends over... younger dd, who is 8, makes up a game, uses really rigid rules, makes hard math questions for the game and the friends don't understand or know how to solve these questions. My older dd tells younger dd to make easier questions/rules and younger dd throws a temper tantrum b/c nobody likes her game and not following the rules. The friends happily follow older dd in her play and younger dd retreats to her room.

Nobody thinks younger dd is very fun and she can't understand why they don't like how she likes to play.

Pretty normal behavior, in my observation, though I don't usually see it to this extent as late as 8. She's taking the my-way-or-the-highway approach to play, which is rarely a good social strategy in any context, but exactly the kind of self-centered attitude you expect in young children. Playing with other kids requires give-and-take, and seeking of common interests, skills that doesn't come naturally. These are social strategies that have to be learned, and, once learned, they pay off big later on down the road.

I would sit the child down and explain that different people have different interests, and she has to be accepting of those, just as she'd like people to accept hers (insert a couple of anecdotes of how DW and I differ in our interests here for examples). Then I'd start looking for the interests she has in common with these kids, and encourage her to emphasize those.

DD8 is like this, although usually without a tantrum. I have tried coaching her about respecting the interests/ideas of others - and she either doesn't "get it" or (very possibly) just doesn't WANT to get it. She is very much, "my way or the highway," generally. It is sad (to me, not her), but if another child starts to walk away after she asserts herself, she lets them, without a second thought. She'd just rather do it her own way, and she is actually incredibly self-entertaining. Not sure how to help her other than keep repeating my message, with the hope that some day she will listen.

Still, she is quite gregarious, and she seems attract people merely because of her enthusiasm. The problem starts when she goes into major "boss-mode." (sigh)

Loy58: If you've already tried reason, a good next step might be role reversal. You could try to get her engaged in an activity she enjoys, then randomly change the rules, and start behaving like you've seen her do when she doesn't want to play it your way.

Then, come back later and talk about how she felt.

This step was never necessary for our DD, primarily because she got subjected to this kind of treatment by other kids, so we just reviewed those experiences as examples.

Good advice above. In addition, you might try brainstorming a menu of activities before a playdate, with the specific friends in mind. That gives you in vitro time to discuss the pros and cons of various play strategies, and gently guide her towards ones with a higher likelihood of success. It can be good to practice some cue words or signals, too, to help remind her to implement strategies you've agreed on. Then, once the playdate commences, stay in the area to cue her.

Or you can try inserting roleplay, maybe with older sister's help, to practice the collaborative play strategies you've talked through. In between planning and live play, that is.

We have a standard for play in our house which includes two key principles: 1) Every child present must be included, even nonverbal ones (of course, they have the individual option to abstain, but the design of play has to be fully inclusive, and they must be welcomed and invited). 2) Unless everyone is happy, it's not play. Corollary: if you are happy (e.g., because you got your way), and everyone else is upset, then you are happy at their expense, which is essentially bullying/victimizing the others.

On the one hand, this is somewhat vulnerable to sabotage by a child who decides to sulk every time, de facto eliminating the state of "play" for everyone, but we have found that, with gradually faded adult coaching, they (at least the older ones; we're still working on the tail end) have learned to negotiate mutually-acceptable play for a wide range of ability and developmental levels, because the explicit expectation is that there is always a way for people to find a common enjoyable interest. It takes a lot of time, a lot of coaching, and a fair amount of quiet parental hair-tearing...

Does she feel like she always has to play everyone roses games? Just asking because if what you like is different than everyone else it can feel like you are always compromising your needs and wants but no-one is prepared to do the same for you.

For my youngest, who seems to have the biggest issue with black and white thinking and wanting to control play and interaction, I gave him black and white rules about what was and wasn't allowed if he wanted to have friends over or to be allowed to hang out with his older siblings and their friends. "You may not make up new rules for whatever game you are playing." "You are not in charge; you are a guest. If you try to be in charge, you will be required to leave the group." "It is not ok to make up games that make your friends feel stupid. It is your job to find something to do that everyone can like if you want to suggest an activity."

It really helped. Once he understood the rules, he was - for the most part - willing to live within the rules. And when he didn't, I made sure to back up what I said would happen.

It stopped the crazy-making for me when I stopped trying to get him to understand the rules instead of just making rules that helped him navigate the social nuances.